It was a fine spring morning in the German city of Muenster. Hundreds of people thronged the downtown market square. People were sitting in front of the popular Kiepenkerl bar, enjoying their beer and bratwurst, until a van roared down the street at high speed, crashing into the patio and a crowd of pedestrians. The body count so far: at least three people killed and 20 injured.
Following the crash, the driver of the van shot himself to deadh. Another suspect -- maybe more than one -- may have fled the vehicle after the crash, according to eyewitness accounts. Inspektor Katzenjammer of the local polizei said the driver's identity was unknown. So also his motive. A suspicious object was found inside the van, but police declined to comment on a rumour that it was a black flag with some kind of foreign writing on it.
A spokesthingy for German Chancellor Angela Merkel -- yes, she's still in office -- offered her condolences and said Frau Merkel was terribly terribly sorry that the German people couldn't see the benefits of Willkommenskultur. [Ed., please check that last part.]
The police coverup ["investigation", shurely! Ed.] continues. The koppers put out a brief statement on social media describing the situation as "confusing" and told members of the public, "Please don't speculate." (They didn't say what we shouldn't speculate about! Three guesses....) ”Walt will bring you further details just as soon as the first denunciation of Islamoophobia is released.