Sunday, May 22, 2016

Budweiser to market something even worse than Bud Light

IMHO, one of the worst products ever exported by the Excited States of America to the rest of the world is Budweiser "beer". I put the word "beer" in quotation marks because any resemblance between Budweiser and proper, tasty, alcoholic beer is purely a matter of nomenclature. If they didn't call Budweiser "beer", how would you know what it was supposed to be?

Some years ago, as an experiment, I sent a container of Budweiser -- sans label or other identification -- to the FDA for testing. Some days later I received this reply:
"Dear Mr. Whiteman, Your horse has diabetes."

And that was just the regular, "full-strength" Budweiser. Don't get me started on "Bud Light"! Well OK, now that you got me started... Why is Bud Light like a couple making love in a canoe? Because they're both fucking near water! [That's positively ancient! Ed.]

Now, believe it or not, the marketing geniuses at Anheuser-Busch InBev -- Bud's parent company -- have come up with something even worse than Bud Light. It's called "Prohibition Brew", and its alcohol content is not 5%, not 4%, not 3.2%, but... believe it or not... 0%. Zero percent! Not a drop of alcohol in it. Which is why they can't call it "beer".

Who would drink this piss? Believe it or not (again), the target market is... wait for it... Canadians! Kyle Norrington, VP of marketing for Labatt's (which owns the Bud brand in Canada) thinks there's a big opportunity in a country known to be full of beer-loving hosers. He points to Germany, home of Oktoberfest, as a country where beer lovers appear to have embraced alcohol-free alternatives. According to market research, in 2013, almost 50% of German consumers bought an alcohol-free beer. [How many times? More than once? Ed.]

Mr. Norrington told AP that Canadians have likewise increasingly guzzled low- and non-alcoholic beverages in recent years, and Labatt is counting on that to continue. They already sell several other "non-alcoholic beers" in Canada, but the launch of Prohibition Brew next week will mark the first under the Budweiser brand name. This product, Mr. Norrington said, is for those who enjoy the taste of beer without the buzz. How many such wusses exist in Canada remains to be seen.

Questions from Ed.: Is Kyle Norrington a Canadian or, like his beer, an import from south of the border? And where does he drink his alleged brew? At some cute little pub on Toronto's Church Street? Just askin'...

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