Leaked! Report into the sanity of President Biden

Around the middle of July, as the administration of President Biden neared the six-month mark, the Supreme Court of the United States was asked by Vice-President Harris to investigate the conditions under which Mr Biden, though obviously suffering from senile dementia, managed to continue to hold office.

SCOTUS referred the matter to a Special Commission, which held hearings in camera in late July. To ensure impartiality, SCOTUS appointed as the sole Commissioner the Hon. Merrick Garland, former Chief Judge of the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit.

Justice Garland's report, based on up to 36 hours of evidence and nearly an hour of careful deliberation, has been forwarded to SCOTUS. A photocopy was mailed to Walt in a plain brown envelope. Here's a summary of the findings.

The report finds that "though President Biden is suffering from advanced dementia as well as paranoiac schizophrenia and infantile regression, no-one could be held responsible Ior faiilng to detect his illness. Only his wife, Dr Jill Biden, had the opportunity to diagnose his condition, and she, not being a medical doctor, quite understandably said nothlng to anyone." Justice Garland describes Mrs Biden's conduct as "intensely laudable. A very wonderful lady."

President Biden, whom the Commissioner described as "a rather irritable fellow", was asked by White House doctors to not work so hard, following an incident in the spring when he was discovered planting bricks in the Rose Garden. When questioned by security staff, he said, "They should make a lovely display in the fall." He then was observed to leap in the air, deliver a passable imitation of a blue jay, and throw himself into the arms of one of the officers oflering to administer "the kiss of life".

The report continues: "None of the President's colleagues, prior to this disquieting incident, could be reasonably expected to have discerned his evident lunacy. Although many commented on his actions, such as changing his mind twice over anti-Covid masking, and ordering the airlifting of undocumented immigrants into Kansas and Wyoming, these were attributed to tiredness and the fact that he was working, on average, a 44-hour day.

Accusations that conditions in the Cabinet during the last four months had become intolerable are dismissed by the Commission, although the report suggests that much could be done to attract a "better type of person" to government work.

The evidence of one witness (not Jen Psaki) who described the Biden cabinet asas a "bunch ol dimwitted diversity hires" is stated by Justice Garland to be "'most probably' exaggerated and biased. Even if she is right it would not be in the public interest to admit as much. The Cabinet has a difficult job to do and were the public to lose confidence in its ability to do that job, then plainly conditions would become intolerable."

Answering allegations that President Biden was in the habit of leaping onto the cabinet table and saying "I can handle this! I've driven 18-wheelers before!" the Commissioner remarks that such incidents "may have occurred. ln view however of the President's ebullient personality and ready wit, his colleagues were justified in not paying too much attention to such exhibitions. The fact that he was complaining of deafness at the time did much to explain his behavior." 

The only person, in the report's view, who had reason to suspect the President's deteriorating mental condition was his wife. In her evidence, Dr Biden stated that she first suspected that something was wrong was when her husband began disappearing for long periods during the night. His explanation of his sorties from the confines of the Lincoln bedroom was that he was working for the CIA, the FBI, or (sometimes) SMERSH. He told her that he had been selected to take a number of immigrants to the moon, but instructed her not to tell anyone. He then leapt out of the window shouting, "Hiyo Silver, awaaaay!" 

The report praises Mrs Biden for "her devotion and courage" and. describes her as "a model lunatic's wife. If only more American lunatics were married to her, the country would be in a stronger position than it is today."

Justice Garland discounted the evidence of Benjamin Dover, a deaf-mute who claimed, through his attorney, that Mr Biden had "offered him a million dollars if he would keep quiet." The report also dismisses as "exaggerated" the photographs of immigrant corpses said to have been hurled from the top of the Washington monument. The Commissioner commented that it was all too easy to describe people as "dead" when in fact "not alive" woutd be a more apt description.

In conclusion, the Commissioner's report finds no fault in anyone bearing the surname "Biden", and makes no recommendation respecting or in any way referencing Article 25 of the Constitution. Copies of the report have been sent for non-action to the New York Times, the Washington Post and Vice-President Kamala Harris, POC.

Note from Ed.: On receipt of this shocking report, we contacted Ex-President Barack Hussain Obama for comment. "I've known that lying old fraud all my life," said the Prez, assuring us that the document was a total and utter fabrication.