Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Announcing Walt's Gay 90s Theme Park

Walt has another brilliant idea, the latest in a long string. Yes, it's Walt Whiteman's GAY 90s THEME PARK, opening soon [too soon. Ed.] in a neighbourhood near [too near. Ed.] you. Here are just a few of the attractions guaranteed to titillate and delight all members of the LGBTQ community.

Judy Garland Theater - You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll simply swoon when you see shows themed on "Cabaret", "Some Like It Hot" and "Judy's Greatest Hits".

Camp Itup Adventure - Visitors don cute little shorts and Boy Scout hats for a walk in the woods with Big Gay Al. For the big finish, everyone sits in a circle while Al ghost stories that will scare your pants off.

Back Tunnel of Love - [Ed., please get an artist to work up an illustration of the entrance.]

Petting Zoo - Featuring lots of adorable woolly sheep. Are they rams or ewes? Play the guessing game and find out.

Confessional Capers - Priests [actors dressed as priests, surely! Ed.] will help you pour out your guilt. Heavy penance, including self-flagellation, for those who beg for it.

HIV Fantastic Voyage - Ride in a giant HIV virus through the bloodstream and lymphatic system, dodging the dreaded antiretrovirals, until you emerge in the middle of a colourful carcinoma.

Simply Spectacular Pride Parade - The highlight of your gay day! Don't just watch, but march along with our Champions of Diversity and celebrity marshals. [Ed., did Wynne, Baird or Kenney respond to our invitations?] Colourful beads and squirt guns for all marchers (fluids not included); posing pouches available in a rainbow of colours.

Dear gay friends, that's just a sampling! More thrilling attractions are in the pipeline even as I write. To get your FREE brochure just send a picture postcard to Walt at the usual address. It's gonna be so super to see you!

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