Note from Ed.: The original title of this piece (August 2010) was "How to offend an American". As if Walt would ever do that, taking into account that most of our readers hail from the Excited States of America. All the same, although I distinctly recall posting some text, today (4 September 2011) it's a blank. Wonder who deleted it? But you need something to read, so here is
11 ways to annoy an American (for Canadians)
1. Talk really slowly, enunciating every syllable.
2. Refer to the United States as "the eleventh province".
3. Frisk them for weapons.
4. Intentionally mispronounce rapper Jay-Z's name "Jay-Zed".
5. Flash them your Health Card.
6. "Maple syrup or grits? Yeah, there's a tough choice."
7. Tell them they couldn't possibly be American; they're not obese enough.
8. When in conversation, ask them to repeat themselves, saying, "I'm sorry ,I just can't understand your accent".
9. "The next 'Bachelor' is Canadian. Now you'll see how a real man deals with the ladies".
10.When they commend your politeness, tell them to eff off.
11."New York? Where is that exactly?"
Walt doesn't discriminate. He leaves no group unoffended!
Im an American and I hope to leave this country some day. But believe me nothing on this list will phase an American or upset them in the slightest. These people insult each other every day and in very vicious and cruel ways so they will only look at you like you are a child if you mention maple syrup or health cards. Besides Americans know very little about Canada. In fact most Americans forget that Canada is even up there. All that said I love Canada and want to get away from all the insulting Americans down here. Also Ive tried annoying fellow Americans to get revenge but it only makes things worse because Americans feed off it. But the number 1 worst thing you can do to an American is avoid them. And I don't just mean ignore them because if you are near by they will antagonize you. But if you can distance yourself from them (be it a democrat, republican, thug, bully, or any American) it will irritate them to no end. The trick is to distance yourself from them and ignore them but FIRST you need to give them something to miss. You know act like you are really interested in what they like and get them that person or group of people interested in you then all off a sudden cut off any phone communication, new address. etc move away. I wasn't even trying to piss off other Americans when I started pulling away from them socially. I still have friends but very few and I noticed that both the people that liked me (usually people at work or school you are forced to side with or they cause you trouble) or the people that hated me anyway BOTH were infuriated when I started pulling away. Now I have a lot of friends on-line from around the world that I relate to better, including Canada. - So like I said the key is to have something they want which is "your attention". But you have to make sure to be on their radar. Be it someone that hates you or loves you. And people that loved me were usually people that were controlling me or I had to side with them at school or work, usually people that could make life miserable for you if you stood up for you morals. Sometimes the people that hate you are just the usual meth head neighbor or some bigot or what ever. - However like I said you need to be on their radar. For example Americans are very self absorbed and actually are lacking in education about other countries. And like I said most Americans don't think of Canada, and some actually forget Canada is up there. However, when ever a news report or a person mentions that Canada has a better economy or better test scores the Americans pretend they didn't hear it BUT will start making mean comments like Canadian drivers that visit the US are terrible, or Canadians are wimps, etc the usual American bull shit. Because deep inside Americans are suddenly aware of Canada and tries to drag Canadians down to their level. However when a Canadian turns the other cheek and acts lice the American becomes Antagonistic. You would think a decent argument helps but it doesn't. Also simply ignoring the American at this point does bother them but they just turn up the heat. The best thing to do is to move away because you will then stick in their mind once you are on their radar. Mostly because Americans are addicted to resentment. To Sum up: 1st get on their radar as someone they love or hate (keeping in mind Americans don't love but rather fake love to get what they want). 2. Ignore them when they dish out verbal abuse or controlling threats (keep in mind most their words are insidious and might trap you but ignore it no matter the cost because it's worth losing what ever it was they had over you, in the end you'll lose less this way anyway). 3. Get away from them, place distance. And keep ignoring.
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