You had to sit next to the airliner toilet? Gee, that's too bad...

And now for something completely different....

A passenger on the Scandinavian airline SAS has failed in his complaint about allegedly unpleasant circumstances while flying due to the toilet's proximity to his premium-class seat. The Norwegian news agency NTB reports that the man demanded 2,000 Norwegian kroner ($198) in compensation.

Despite his costlier ticket, he had to endure a line of waiting passengers' backsides in his vicinity during the flight from Oslo to Sharm el-Sheikh in Egypt. Moreover, according to the complaint, some people queuing broke wind while he was eating his meal.

As a result, he maintained that he was unable to enjoy his flight at the beginning of the year. SAS rejected the petition, noting that the flight had proceeded without incident. It could therefore not offer him any compensation for his experience on board. 

The supervisory authority's complaints office agreed with the airline's position that no compensation should be paid.

The cause of global warming?

As anyone who tries to milk this animal will find out, it's actually a bull. It turns all that plant material into bullshit, just like vegans. Point taken.

Another "True Stories &c" winner... involving lawyers!

An assiduous reader has entered Walt's "True stories &c" contest, with an instant winner, from yesterday's online edition of the (UK) Daily Mail.

Tarique Mohammed, Esquire, a senior barrister with the English Crown Prosecution Service, sued the CPS for harassment and discrimination after a colleague asked him to stop breaking wind. He lost.

An employment tribunal was told that Mr Mohammed was left feeling "embarrassed" after he was asked by a colleague to cease farting in the small office they shared. He said he couldn't help his flatulence because it was caused by medication he was taking for a heart condition. 

In his claim for disability, he also accused co-workers and bosses of discriminating against him by deliberately throwing his water bottles away when he left them on a shared desk, asking him to work one day a week 60 miles away, and failing to pay for his barrister's practising certificate while he was on sick leave.

The tribunal threw out Mr Mohammed's claims of disability related harassment and victimisation and found the request to stop passing gas reasonable, given the size of the office shared with his colleague, and the "repetitive nature" of the flatulence. The judge apparently took his colleague's word that he threw out five water bottled which Mr Mohammed had left on their shared desk because he thought they were rubbish.

All the same, the tribunal found the CPS was guilty of disability discrimination and failing to make reasonable adjustments by not allowing the barrister to work from home two days a week, leave work at 4pm to help him manage his condition, and by removing him from court duties. 

Source: Mailonline, 21/12/21. Reporter: Bhvishya Patel (presumably a non-Muslim).

Shock! Horror! Brandon farts in front of Duchess of Cornwall!

Mrs Charles Windsor, aka the Duchess of Cornwall, was reportedly blown away by US President Joe Brandon's massive eructation while they chatted during a reception at the COPOUT-26 climate summit last Monday.

In fact, she hasn't stopped talking about it! An informant told the Mail on Sunday that Camilla told her, "It was long and loud and impossible to ignore!"

Ironically, Sleepy Joe had earlier averred that one of the most important things society faces in the near term is to "reduce our methane emissions as quickly as possible." Walt sez, show some leadership, Joe!

Austrian polizei fine man for farting in their general direction

No, this story was not made up by the Monty Pythons.

The Grauniad reports that a man in Vienna has been fined €500 ($563 in real money) for breaking wind loudly in front of police. The Österreich newspaper reported that the penalty stemmed from an incident on June 5th and that the offender was fined for offending public decency.

City police wrote on Twitter "of course no one is reported for accidentally letting one go," but added that the man had behaved provocatively and uncooperatively during an encounter with officers that preceded the incident. He got up from a park bench, they said, looked at officers and "let go a massive intestinal wind apparently with full intent."

Inspektor Katzenhammeer noted that the decision could be appealed against.

Note from Ed.: You can't imagine how long I've waited to be able to use this meme. Walt said the day would never come, but he was wrong! {Lifetime pct .977.)

Man denied sex, unleashes revenge fart

The following story appeared this afternoon on Canada's PostMedia network.

He wanted sex -- and wasn't just full of hot air.

A woman in Sweden called police to report a man farted in her apartment after she refused to have sex with him.

According to regional newspaper Hallandsposten, the unnamed woman told police the man delivered the "revenge fart" before leaving her apartment in a huff.

The gas disturbed her "peace of mind," she said.

"It smelled very bad in the apartment," she noted, according to the police.

That's it... the hole story...

Farting is good for you!

Beans, beans, they're good for your heart

The more you eat, the more you fart

The more you fart, the better you feel

So eat some beans at every meal!

Who amongst us has not heard this ancient schoolboy rhyme? [Who, indeed? Ed.] Turns out there's some medical truth behind it. Canada's QMI Agency today published this short but informative item, titled "Gas we pass could have health benefits".

The gas that we pass has health benefits, believe it or not.

A new study says that when used in the right tiny dosage, hydrogen sulfide has the potential to help treat diabetes, stroke, heart attacks and dementia.

Scientists at the University of Exeter [UK] have designed a new compound (AP39) they claim could hold the key to future therapies, by delivering small amounts of the substance to the right (or key) places inside cells.

The team says it has already found that the compound protects mitochondria, which drive energy production in blood vessel cells. Preventing or reversing mitochondrial damage is a key strategy for treatments of a variety of conditions such as stroke, heart failure, diabetes and arthritis, dementia and ageing.

Prof. Matt Whiteman said, “When cells become stressed by disease, they draw in enzymes to generate minute quantities of hydrogen sulfide. This keeps the mitochondria ticking over and allows cells to live. If this doesn’t happen, the cells die and lose the ability to regulate survival and control inflammation. We have exploited this natural process by making a compound, called AP39, which slowly delivers very small amounts of this gas specifically to the mitochondria. Our results indicate that if stressed cells are treated with AP39, mitochondria are protected and cells stay alive.”

The research is being conducted in several models of disease, and pre-clinical results are promising, the team says on the university's site.

So get that in ya! Or rather...get that out of ya!

Kiwi kid's fart speech blasts competition

12-year-old Victoria Grant's "Enslaved by our banks" speech, reported here last month, has drawn considerable readership and comment. Now, via Agent 6, comes word of a less serious, but still ripping speech by Sophie Paterson, apparently about the same age, a Grade 6 student in the Central Hawke’s Bay area of New Zealand. Here's the text of Sophie's prizewinning oration on the subject of... wait for it... farts.

Hi, today I am going to talk to you about farts. Some people think farts are rude and some people think farts are funny, like me. I think farts are hilarious.

Farting is a fact of life. Everybody farts. The Queen farts, superstars fart and I fart. We will fart until the day we die. And apparently a person can still fart after death!!

Do you know why we fart? Flatulence, wind or farts, whatever you like to call them, is the production of the mixture of gases in the digestive tract, that are by products of the digestive process. The average person farts about 14 times a day, which produces about half a litre of fart gas. (Personally, I think I fart more than 14 times a day).

Farts are made up of the following: Nitrogen, the main ingredient making up 59 percent; next behind is hydrogen at 21 percent; 9 percent carbon dioxide; 7 percent methane, 3 percent oxygen and 1 percent other stuff. But listen to this! Hydrogen sulphide is the compound that makes them stink!

Here are the top 10 farters:
1. Termites
2. Camels
3. Zebras and my pony Free
4. Sheep
5. Cows
6. Elephants
7. Labradors and retrievers
8. Humans (vegetarians)
9. Humans (non-vegetarians)
10. Gerbils (also known as the desert rat)

If If you are going to fart, do not sit by flames, because farts are very flammable. Also, they can come motoring out of your body at 10 kmh. No wonder some of you have holes in your undies!

Please do not panic if you find yourself trapped in a small space like a closet, as it is impossible to suffocate in your own farts. Unless Ben (my little brother) is in there with you!

Anyway next time you fart, don’t think it’s rude. Just know that everybottie, oops, I mean, everybody, farts. Thank you for listening to my fartastic speech.

Here’s a little poem that I’d like to share with you.
A fart can be useful
It gives the body ease
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.

Way to go Sophie! Keep `em flying!

And dear readers, please note that Walt is quoting from a report in the Napier (NZ) Mail. There's at least one other version of this speech extant on the Internet, with a couple of bogus limericks tacked on at the end, replacing the nice little poem Sophie recited. Trust Walt to give you the real article.

Revolutionary product copes with SBDs, as seen on TV!

Walt doesn't watch much TV, and when the infomercials come on, that's my cue to grab the newspaper and head for the little brown shack out back. Thus it is that I missed the pitch for a great new product, guaranteed to cure one of the greatest causes of marital discord. I have learned about it only now, thanks to a tip from Mrs. Walt.



Well?! Don't just sit there! Dial that 800 number! Get your Better Marriage Blanket today!

What??!! You think this is a spoof? Here's the link; see for yourself.

School bus! No farting allowed!

Walt never road the bus to school. I walked. Seven miles each way. In snow up to my waist...and I was shorter then! [Get on with it. Ed.] But I am told that those who rode the yellow school buses found it hilarious when one of their number belched or passed gas.

However, school authorities in Ohio felt two students from Canal Winchester middle school took the smelly shenanigans too far, temporarily revoking the kids' bus privileges for farting during a ride.

Seems the two boys had been warned by the bus driver previously, after “a similar display of synchronized farting”. Due to the laughter, jeering and overall ruckus that ensued from their latest fit of flatulence, the bus driver reported the incident to their principal, who handed the boys a one-day bus suspension.

James Nichols, father of one of the students, told The Columbus Dispatch he was stunned that the principal found his 13-year-old son’s behaviour obscene.

“He suggested my son should hold his gas on this hour-long bus ride, if in fact he has gas,” Mr. Nichols told the newspaper. But, added dad, “when it happens, it just happens. It’s not intentional.”

Mr. Nichols’ wife said that, while she admits her son is no angel, she was particularly upset, due to her own digestive health problems. The Dispatch quotes her as saying, “As a sufferer of gastrointestinal issues who was recently hospitalized for these issues, I take great offence to passing gas being cause for being cause for suspension and marked as an obscene gesture.”

Malawi to prosecute fortune tellers and public farters

With all the interest in current events in Africa, Walt has been spending a little more time looking at African news websites. Amongst the routine stories of incompetence, corruption, oppression and revolution, one often finds accounts of truly bizarre occurrences or ideas. That's Africa.

From Afrik-News comes a report that the government of Malawi has introduced a raft of legislation that seeks to "mould responsible and disciple citizens" [sic] by punishing people who pretend to be fortune tellers, hinder the burial of dead bodies, or ... errr ... "pass gas" in public.

The Local Courts Bill, the story says, also seeks to punish "any person disturbing religious assemblies, trespassing on burial places, or insulting the modesty of a woman". The bill will cover other offenses including the carrying of offensive weapons without lawful authority or reasonable excuse, fighting in public, challenging to fight a duel, deceiving witnesses, destroying evidence, escape and removal of property under lawful seizure.

Commenting on the bill, an Malawian is quoted by Afrik-News as saying: "How can this government criminalise the release of intestinal gases? Everyone does that, even if it’s in public or it has an accompanying sound which is boring, making it criminal is a joke of democracy."

Another said he "support(s) the bill and is welcome. Sometimes breaking wind in public or during meetings is a disturbance of the peace".

A Member of Parliament is quoted in the British satirical magazine Private Eye: "I had better hand myself over to the police or something, because I just this very second fouled the air while I was laughing at this proposal. Why should fouling the air take priority over corruption amongst legislators or the regulation of Chinese investments? I cannot understand this obsession with farting."

Strategy conclusion: If you're planning on visiting Malawi, stick a cork in it!

Started your Christmas shopping yet?

It's terrible to have to write so soon about getting ready for Christmas. Also terrible that it occurred to me to say "the winter holidays", just in case there might be some "readers of other faiths" who might be offended by my daring to speak of Christmas. But I digress...

Christmas catalogues are starting to arrive in Walt's mailbox. Many years ago, two big department stores, fiercely competitive one with the other, used to send out big, thick "dream books". I and my siblings used to pore over these by the light of the flickering candle, while big white flakes of snow fell past the hoarfrosted windows [Get on with it! Ed.]

Yes, well... Sadly, the days of the huge Christmas catalogues are over. Gone are the books with pictures of everything from soup to nuts...literally. Now I'm seeing slim pamphlets from specialty retailers of chocolates, electronic goods, and, of course, toys and games.

There's a marketer called Calendar Club which specializes in -- guess what -- calendars. Apparently they're not making a large or even small fortune selling calendars, so they've added to their catalogue a section called "+ toys & games".

I didn't see any toys but there are all kinds of board and table games. Included are two pages of "word games" -- all variants on Scrabble and Yahtzee. They also have "games that make you think", the descriptions of which make me think, "Who on earth would buy this?"

Under "adult games", where I was looking for "Twister", I found "You might be a redneck if..." which is based on "Jeff Foxworthy Redneck jokes", whatever they are.

But best of all, under "family and party games", you can now buy a great new game called "FART!" Yep, that's the name of the game, folks. [It's supposed to have a "TM" after it. Ed.] Here's the catalogue description:

Flatulent fun with a CD player... Fart! is the side-splitting, sound-sational game that helps players unwind and release a little pressure! Players race to be the first to play out their cards while accompanied by a fast'n'frantic fart chorus that keeps them in stitches! Wild hilarity at the press of a button!

I guess it was only a matter of time until someone thought of a way to make a buck on such favourites as "Burglar Burglar", and the old artificial-fart-under-the-arm trick. Fun for the whole family! Who said good taste is dead?