VIDEO: "Sorry about Apu" (sez Hank Azaria)

In the New Woke America, it was bound to happen. Today, longtime The Simpsons actor Hank Azaria has apologized to "every Indian person" for his voice characterization of Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, the owner of the Springfield Kwik-E-Mart. If you've been living off the TV grid for the last four decades, heeeeere's Apu! 

 

Of course we all know that Indians don't sound like Russell Peters imitating his father, unless they just got off the boat five minutes ago. And the idea of an Indian owning a convenience store? Ridiculous! Everyone knows that convenience stores are owned by Koreans! If you don't believe me, watch Kim's Convenience, on CBC-TV. Oh wait, it's been cancelled.

All the same, The Simpsons has been under fire for years for its depiction of Apu, whose thick Indian accent — voiced by a man who happens to be, errr, white — caused backlash and accusations of... wait for it... racism. In 2017, the documentary The Problem With Apu examined "the damage of the portrayal and enduring stereotype, and how that rippled through society over decades."

Mr Azaria, who apparently was something of a tippler, decided to step away from the role in 2020, after he sobered up. In his statement today, he said, "I really do apologize. I know you weren't asking for that, but it's important. I apologize for my part in creating that and participating in that. Part of me feels like I need to go to every single Indian person in this country and personally apologize. And sometimes I do." 

So, farewell then, Apu. Come back again! 

Note from Ed.: Did you catch the part where Apu almost flunks his citizenship test for giving a politicfally incorrect answer about the causes of the Civil War?

"Tom & Jerry" begat "Itchy & Scratchy", right? Oh... wait...

I'm already bored watching the Dumbocrats race towards the edge of the cliff, so have been reareading some of my National Lampoon mags, from back in the 70s. (These will eventually wind up for sale on Walt's Attic.) I found something in the June 1973 issue that sheds some light on a question which has bedevilled cartoon fans for ages: the origins of Itchy & Scratchy.

Everybody knows that "Itchy and Scratchy" was inspired by (or knock-off of) "Tom & Jerry". Right? "Tom & Jerry" is an American animated franchise and series of comedy short films created in 1940 by William Hanna and Joseph Barbera, who later became infamous for the "partial animation" which ruined their made-for-TV cartoons, like "The Flintstones". The 161 cartoon shorts produced for MGM centered on a friendship/rivalry (a love-hate relationship) between the title characters Tom, a cat, and Jerry, a mouse.

Although, deep down, Tom and Jerry supposedly were great friends [homosexual lovers? Ed.], they spent most of their time chasing and battering each other, with violence which was more edgy than that seen in the more popular Disney and Warner Bros. cartoon. So when Matt Groening and the others responsible for "Itchy & Scratchy", a feature on many earlier episodes of "The Simpsons", made their cat and mouse even more violent, many fans-- and there are many -- figured it was just an outgrowth or parody of "Tom & Jerry". One entire episode is devoted to Marj's complaining about the violence of TV cartoons.

The comic book cartoon I discovered today in National Lampoon suggests that there may have been an intermediate step, like the so-called "missing link" between cavemen and modern men (sorry, "persons"). Check out "Kit 'n' Kaboodle", written by Brian McConnachie, with art by Warren Sattler.

Who knows? Maybe Matt Groening, or Brian McConnachie, or both of them, were (like Walt) regular readers of the "Adult Humor Magazine".

Indian priorities on display -- world's tallest statue

Here it is, dear readers, a photo of the World's Tallest Statue, unveiled just in time for Hallowe'en in India's western state of Gujarat.

Nearly 600 feet tall -- twice the height of the Statue of Liberty -- the "Statue of Unity" really is a biggie! Indeed so! It depicts Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel (or "S.V. Patel" for short), a leader of India's independence movement. Mr Patel, who orchestrated the annexation of India's self-governing "princely states", is not exactly a champion of unity. His political philosophy fits better with the aggressive nationalism of India's ruling Bharatiya Janata Party than more famous heroes of independence, such as Mahatma Gandhi and Jawaharlal Nehru, who stood for the softer ideals of peace and tolerance. However, Mr Patel, like his millions of namesakes aroound the world, is a "Guj" -- a Gujarati. So that explains it.

Another prominent Guj is India's Prime Minister, Narendra Damodardas Modi, who was the Chief Minister of Gujarat from 2001 to 2014. Prime Minister Modi is a member of the nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) and the Hindu extremist Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh. Mr Modi's administration has been blamed for the Gujarat anti-Muslim riots of 2002 Gujarat riots, but a Supreme Court-appointed Special Investigation Team found no evidence to initiate prosecution proceedings. So that's all right then.

Mr Modi's administration has also been criticized for failing to significantly improve health, poverty, and education indices in Gujarat, and now in India as a hole. [Ed., don't correct my spelling. Quod scripsi scripsi!] Which brings me the question of priorities. The Patel statue is said to have cost upwards of $400 million dollars. This in a country where according to the World Bank, nearly two-thirds of the people still defecate in the open. Makes you think, doesn't it? If you're an Indian politician, maybe not.

Further reading: "Shitting in fields leads to gang rape, hanging of Indian girls", WWW 30/5/14.

Footnote: Another famous Indian who, although he's not named "Patel", is almost certainly a Gujarati, is Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, who is being written out of The Simpsons following NPC criticism that he is just a racist caricature. In an episode last April, Lisa said to her mother, "Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive is now politically incorrect. What can you do?" Indeed.

"The Simpsons" saw it coming

Further reading: "Border Hysteria Delivers Disastrous Week for Establishment Media", by John Nolte, Breitbart News, 25/6/18.
Closing quote: Obama separated children for eight years and the media did not care, which proves this entire narrative is a hoax.
The ONLY way to keep families together is to release these illegal alien families into the American interior. The media will not tell you that, but they know that is the case, and that is what they want.

Mounties get their goat -- a real Canadian story

Readers occasionally ask if Walt is a Canadian making fun of Americans, or an American making fun of Canadians. Let it be remembered that no-one needs to make fun of Canadians, because they quite enjoy making fun of themselves. One has only to watch SCTV's "Great White North" segments, featuring Bob and Doug McKenzie, the quintessential hosers, or watch for the Canadian jokes included in so many episodes of The Simpsons.

One of the big differences between Americans and their northern cousins is that Canucks refuse to take themselves seriously, whereas Americans take themselves much too seriously. That's a fact... a Canadian fact... brought to you by the Canadian Ministry of Facts.

Today we have the perfect example of the Canadian sense of humour in a true story from Warman SK, a crossroads remembered none too affectionately by one of Walt's agents, who passed this along.

Early Sunday morning, two Mounties from the Warman detachment were called to a Tim Hortons in nearby Martensville for an unusual disturbance -- a goat refusing to leave the store (or "coffee and bakeshop", as Tim's is called south of the border).

The RCMP issued a press release -- really -- which confirmed that "There was a stubborn goat refusing to leave the establishment. The employees would ask him to leave and walk him outside, but he would just turn around and come back in through the automatic doors."

RCMP believe the goat was simply cold and decided to sleep in the space. Store employees said the goat ambled through the parking lot, and took a nap in the drive-through at one point. Store owner Camille Barzeele said, "One of [our employees] stayed with him to make sure he didn't get run over, and the other one called the cops."

RCMP said the goat was "arrested" and taken into their cruiser. (No, the Mounties don't ride horses any more, not even in Saskatchewan.) But, they said, "He was very unhappy with this so the members decided to take him home instead of to holding cells at the detachment."


"We are happy to report that the goat is safe and sound back with his owners after his adventurous night out on the town," the press release concluded. "Employees at the Tim Hortons in Martensville see all sorts of customers overnight. This one wasn't kidding around."

How about that, eh?! But when you think about the differences between Canadians and Americans, consider how this story might have played out had it occurred a few hundred miles due south, say in the middle of Wyoming. The errant goat would surely have been shot.

In Canada, if it remained in the store another night, it would only have been taxed. That's right... a tax on real property abutting and abounding on public lands, taxed at the rate of X dollars per front foot. [Aaaaarrrggghhh! Ed.] 

And now, a real-life Simpsons kitchen

Yesterday Walt brought you news about Okilly Dokilly, the Simpsons-themed Nedal band. Today we have a report from Calgary proving that Head Ned and his pals aren't the only ones who show their admiration for America's First Family by making them come to life.

Meet Marcia Andreychuk and Joel Hamilton, who've done over their kitchen in le style des Simpsons!

I'd say they've got the look down pat... or should I say, down Patty. Notice the oversized, cartoonish cabinets and doorknobs. It's an orange, blue and purple dream, eh.

Ms Andreychuk calls it "a retrovation". She told Canadian Press, "I don’t like those gutted, new, modular, everybody-has-them kitchens. I like the colour. I love the style. It just delights us."

But how did they do the curtains? Do you mean you can just go into Curtains-R-Us and buy a bolt of corncob cloth? Well, no. Ms Andreychuk explains, "I was able to order the fabric off of a website that you can upload any graphic to and they will take it and print it on fabric."

The Canuck couple began work on their kitchen a year ago, and still haven't finished. We're waiting to see the fridge, the kitchen table and tablecloth (complete with stains), and all the other appurtenances.The Simpsons may not last on TV beyond next season [What? Do you know something? Ed.] but this kitchen will still be there!

Meet the all-Flanders band -- Okilly Dokilly!

Dear readers, Ed. thinks I owe you an explanation for the dearth of posts this month. It could be the heat, but the main truth is that I'm tired of reading, writing and ranting about the same old subjects: Donald Trump and the 16 dwarves, Obama's wonderful post-racial America, and even the stench of the Canadian election. Not to mention MH370, the Muslim invasion of Europe, Planned Anti-parenthood, and the Formerly Catholic Church. I'll go on writing about those four out of a sense of duty.

I am suffering from weltschmerz, zeitgeist and bad sauerkraut. Nothing has excited me this month... until today, when I read on the Australian website RipItUp about a brand new group called Okilly Dokilly. That's right. They're the world's first (and probably last) Ned Flanders-themed metal band.

No, they're not standing in the Australian Outback. They hail from Phoenix AZ. And here's what their leader -- Head Ned, natch! -- says about how they came up with the Flanders theme, just last month..
 "Myself and our drummer [Bled Ned] were in line at a grocery store, entertaining ourselves by coming up with really cutesy names for really hardcore, brutal bands. The name Okilly Dokilly came up and was very funny to us. [So] we ran with it. I contacted a few friends and here we are. Most of us have played in other bands around our hometown."

So they've got the name, got the outfits, got the moustaches (more or less). What about the music? Head Ned told RipItUp that the metal -- or "Nedal" -- music sounds "Not as fast as Bartcore, a little cleaner than Krusty Punk, and not as heavy as Homer J. Nedal is a happy medium in the Simpscene. This is definitely the heaviest-sounding project any of us Neds have done."

But why read about it when you can hear a demo by clicking right here. You're welcome, fanerinos!

Last gay toon standing? - Part 1

For over 40 years now, the large and influential gay lobby in the meeja and more liberal "Christian" churches have been trying to convince us that it's OK to be gay. Commendable, even, especially when someone who kept his/her gender preference to him/herself comes out of the closet. What good is being homosexual if you can't flaunt it?

That's why, beginning in 1972, TV shows in western, "Christian" countries have increasingly featured characters who are openly gay. This is especially the case in sitcoms, where it's become almost mandatory to have at least one gay character -- always the cleverest, coolest, funniest one -- to prove that it not just OK, but hip to be gay.

It all started with Peter Panama, a character in the mercifully short-lived sitcom The Corner Bar. [Was that the one with Sam and Woody and Cliff and Norm...all those gay guys? Ed.] NO! That was another corner bar and those guys weren't gay... at least, not all of them! Anyway, Peter Panama, played by Vincent Schiavelli, was "the first continuing portrayal of a gay person on American television".

In 1975 we saw the first gay couple, the lovely George and Gordon, in Hot l Baltimore. You can look it up. Inevitably, gay characters were introduced in cartoons. This was not done to influence impressionable children, of course, because we all know that modern cartoon series are really for adults. I speak of The Simpsons, South Park and Family Guy, which I admit to watching and from which these examples are taken.

South Park's Big Gay Al is a stereotypical homosexual man, known for his flamboyant and positive demeanor. For example, he almost always responds to the greeting "How are you?" with an upbeat "I'm super! Thanks for asking!" In the episode which sticks deepest in Walt's Mind, he took the position of scout master of troop 69, for which he was super-qualified, having been in the scouts since he was nine years old. Was it then that he discovered he was a homosexual? We aren't told...

The kids' parents were uneasy about a gay scout leader, so Big Gay Al was fired. But the boys didn't like the new leader -- a person whose sexual tastes were a lot more threatening -- and rallied to get BGA re-accepted. But Al rejected this, saying the scouts are a private club, and have the right to exclude people if they choose to, just as he has the right to express himself as a gay man.

Big Gay Al last appeared in "The F Word", which originally aired on 4 November 2009. For all his flamboyance (etc etc), he was, on the whole, a sympathetic character, kind of a warm and cuddly...and gay...teddybear. It was hard to dislike him.

But there was a dark side to Big Gay Al. In "Follow That Egg", we find him getting engaged to Mr. Slave (pictured left), who previously was the homosexual lover of Herbert Garrison, the South Park kids' school teacher. (Remember the name "Herbert"; it'll come up again.) Mr. Garrison starts a campaign to ban gay marriage, but fails, and Al and Mr. Slave are united in unholy matrimony. (It's worth noting that South Park is set in Colorado.)

Mr. Slave is far being a benign and cuddly character. His first major role was in "The Death Camp of Tolerance", in which Mr. Garrison learns that he can sue the school board if he is fired for being gay, so he hires Mr. Slave as his "TA" -- "Teacher's Ass". The lessons become increasingly sexual, and degenerate in nature, culminating in Mr. Garrison inserting the class gerbil into Mr. Slave's rectum. Not exactly the sort of behaviour you'd want your kids to emulate, is it. But there was no "Don't try this at home!" warning.

Walt also found offensive Mr. Slave's catchphrase, "Oooh, Jeez Christ!" or "Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ!", always delivered in a quavering lisp. He was rarely heard saying anything else. He last appeared in "201", on 21 April 2010.

Note from Ed.: Walt has the bit firmly between his teeth, but owing to constraints of space (and my patience) I'm going to have to divide "Last gay toon standing?" into two or even three parts. Scroll down to the next post to read about the other Herbert.

Acknowledgment of source: The information about South Park, Big Gay Al, Herbert Garrison and Mr. Slave was taken from South Park Archives. Many thanks.

Last gay toon standing? - Part 3

Having considered three openly gay characters from Family Guy and South Park, we turn now to The Simpsons, the oldest show of the three leading cartoon series, and the only one to have no character who is openly gay. The operative word there is "openly", and the one person that everyone suspects is a homosexual has not yet come out of the closet. Waylon Smithers, Jr., is not "open" about his gender preference. Let's just say he's "ajar".

What? You think this picture -- Smithers is on the right -- contradicts what I just said? Well, you have to see it in context. Smithers is the very willing and eager executive assistant, factotum and self-proclaimed best friend of C. Montgomery Burns, the owner of Springfield's nuclear power plant. That's Mr. Burns on the left.

Smithers worships the radioactive ground on which Mr. Burns walks. He has a picture of his boss as wallpaper on his computer, and even dreams about him flying in through the open bedroom window. Yes, Smithers loves Mr. Burns, but perhaps not in the way a man loves a woman... or a man loves a man... or, errr, you know what I mean!

On the other hand, perhaps Smithers' feelings for Mr. Burns are of a sexual nature. According to The Simpsons Wiki, most of the people of Springfield know that Smithers' is a "closeted gay man". Smithers is a confirmed bachelor, although he was once married to a woman. Sadly, the marriage fell apart when she wanted to have sex with him, and also referred to Mr. Burns as "awful".

Smithers has had a crush on Mr. Burns for as long as he's worked for him, but his love is never requited. The kiss pictured above is from "Lisa the Skeptic", in which, when the people of Springfield believe that the apocalypse is upon them, Smithers takes the opportunity to show Mr. Burns how he really feels. However, when it becomes apparent the "apocalypse" was just a hoax, Burns still remains oblivious to Smithers' feelings.

Ten years ago -- time flies so quickly in the wacky world of TV -- the producers of The Simpsons announced that one of the characters was going to come out of the closet, thus setting set off a firestorm of speculation in every English-speaking country, even the USA. Despite the Irish Independent calling Smithers "too obvious" a choice, 97% of the respondents in an online poll by PlanetOut thought Smithers would be the one to reveal his true colours. Imagine their surprise when it turned out to be Marge's sister, Patty Bouvier.

Unlike Mr. Slave, Herbert Garrison, and John Herbert, Waylon Smithers still appears regularly in The Simpsons -- a sympathetic and popular character. Star News Online named "Smithers' fey way" as one of the four hundred reasons why they loved The Simpsons. And in 2007, Entertainment Weekly named Smithers the sixteenth greatest sidekick of all time. They also described Smithers and Mr. Burns as being "TV's most functional dysfunctional couple".

What lesson do we learn from this, boys and girls? Walt suggests it's the wisdom of the US military's policy on gays in the armed forces -- don't ask, don't tell! Perhaps instead of proudly proclaiming their queerness and demanding to be respected if not, errr, loved, the LGBT crowd would be better advised to just shut up about it! 

VIDEO: Groundskeeper Willie gives his views on Scottish independence

A couple of days ago, Walt called the United Kingdom the "Soon-to-be-disunited Kingdom". I'm following closely the referendum to be held in Scotland this coming week on whether or not it should "be an independent country". The question seems clear enough. The number of votes needed to secede has been agreed -- 50% + 1. And if the Scots vote to leave the UK, 18 months has been allowed in which a peaceful separation will be negotiated.

But can Scotland make it on her own? Here's what The Simpsons' Groundskeeper Willie has to say.



Note from Ed.: Hey, just because it's all over the Internet doesn't mean we can't use it here!

Heart Attack Grill spokesman dies of... wait for it...

It was the fatty food -- meals weighing in (geddit?) at close to 10,000 calories -- that killed John Alleman, an unpaid and unofficial spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill, in Las Vegas.

Following the death in 2011 of the previous unofficial mascot, Blair "Gentle Giant" River, weight 575 pounds, Mr. Alleman, aged 52 and a mere 180 pounds, appointed himself chief meeter and greeter, standing outside the restaurant's doors every day to  say hello to the trencherpersons coming in to risk death by cholesterol.

The grill's owner told the Las Vegas Sun that Alleman's death isn't going to mean the demise of "Flatliner Fries" or what the restaurant says is the world's "most calorific burger." His policy, he said, is to let people be themselves. Which apparently means obese. "Over 350 lbs eats free", says the sign. Only in America.

Alleman succumbed to a heart attack while waiting for a bus. What else could it have been? Well, "Gentle Giant" River died of pneumonia. Farewell, then, to both of them. Hope they're not in a hell of rice crackers and undressed salads.

Footnote: Walt isn't sure if Mr. Alleman qualifies for a Darwin Award, since his death could be considered intentional. Still, eating oneself into an early grave is stupid, isn't it.

Query to readers: Walt recollects an episode of The Simpsons in which Homer tackles a giant steak, only to suffer a heart attack. Can anyone provide details?

Where does Homer work?

Quick! Where does Homer Simpson work? At the "NUCULER" plant, right?

Well, that's the way Homer pronounces it, but even he knows that's not right. His better-educated and better-spoken boss, C. Montgomery Burns, knows it's the NUCLEAR power plant.

What's bothering me is the apparent inability of people in the media to pronounce correctly several English words of more than one syllable. "Nuculer" is at the top of Walt's fecal roster. IT'S NOT "NUCULER", you morons! It's "NUCLEAR".

Let's practise. The root word is the Latin -- now English -- nucleus. NU as in "gnu"; CLE as in "clear"; and US as in "anus". NU-CLE-US.

Now, to form the adjective, change the last syllable to AR as in "are". NU-CLE-AR. How hard could it be?

You're welcome.

Simpsons are NOT Catholic: producer

Here's the latest, a firm denial from Simpsons producer Al Jean. Any real fan would know the Simpsons are "Presbylutheran". Clips from the "Father, Son and Holy Guest Star" episode are included.

Homer Simpson secretly Catholic?

It was hard to surf the Net today without seeing a report, based on a story in the Daily Telegraph, that the Vatican, through L'Osservatore Romano, has praised The Simpsons as "among the few TV programmes for children in which Christian faith, religion, and questions about God are recurrent themes".

I'm told the story was carried on Fox News, which I never watch. [Walt's tongue was not in his cheek when he wrote that. I checked. Ed.] I did see the story in the Washington Post, the Toronto Star and Time. The link in Time goes to Orange News, a UK website. I've been wandering through the e-maze for hours and keep coming back to the Daily Telegraph story.

But is it true? The Telegraph refers to an article in L'Osservatore Romano headlined "Homer e Bart sono cattolici" ("Homer and Bart are Catholics"). Sadly, the Torygraph provides neither a date nor a link, making it impossible to check. Links in the Post and the Star took this searcher to the Vatican newspaper, but I searched through it in vain for the promised story.

My scepticism is not assuaged by the Telegraph's synopsis of the 2005 Simpsons episode "The Father, the Son and the Holy Guest Star". Yes, in that episode, Homer and Bart are tempted (by such benefits as pancake suppers) to convert to the True Faith. But any real fan would know that they are "rescued" at the last moment by a team of deprogrammers, comprising Marj, Rev. Lovejoy and (of course) Ned Flanders. Sounds to me as if someone in London (or maybe the Vatican) is making this up!

So...did anyone out there actually see the original article? I want so much to believe it, but the modern Church has made a questioner out of me. I believe the Pope is Catholic (and that other thing about bears) but when it comes to Homer, I want to see proof!

Is nothing sacred to the gay lobby?

A reader has taken issue with Walt's use of the term "gay lobby". Do I really believe, (s)he asks, that there's a homosexual conspiracy to infiltrate positions of power and influence? Well, just as there are some who believe that Jews control banking and finance, so there are some who believe that homosexuals run the worlds of fashion and entertainment.

Have a look at Fashion TV and tell me that those clothes aren't designed by people who hate women. Or want women to look like 13-year-old boys!

As for entertainment, one has only to note the number of openly gay characters who appear in American TV sitcoms and soap operas. Four characters in the Simpsons appear to be, or have declared themselves, part of "the LGBT community". So what? It's all part of an orchestrated campaign (if not a conspiracy) to make being queer seem "normal". That's what!

And of course there was Brokeback Mountain. Hey, there's two nice guys who just happen to love each other and like to spend time doing things together...manly things like riding and camping...so there's nothing wrong with them, right? They don't have those little toothbrush mustaches and do disgusting things in bath-houses, do they?

(Mrs. Walt, having led a sheltered life, asked me what they do do. If she'd gone to school in a place where they have modern sex education she wouldn't have had to ask!)

And then there's comic books. Are you ready for this? Remember Archie? Well, in No. 202 of Archie Comics, coming to your newsstand in September, a new character moves to Riverdale. His name is Kevin Keller and he's a hunk! And guess what, girls? He's gay!

Says Jon Goldwater, CEO of Archie Comics Publications, "We want to make Archie Comics move forward and make it fun and inclusive." Ah yes, good normal fun. "He’ll definitely be part of the gang," he said. And at some point, he added, Kevin will "probably" have a "romance". Progressive parents will doubtless want to snap up that issue so they can show it to their kids!

“We pride ourselves on being a mirror to society, especially youth," Goldwater continued. "The kids in our book are in high school and we want to reflect everything that’s going on in their world from social interaction, to fashion, to friends." Fashion...social interaction...homosexuality... if you're not into all that, hey, you're just not cool...like Archie and his friends.

Footnote: If you can't remember which Simpsons character came out of the closet, e-mail walt.whiteman@yahoo.com and I'll tell you.