Transcript: BBC coverage of the funeral of the Prince of Edinburgh

Note from Ed.: The funeral held at St George's Chapel in Windsor on last April 17th was a sombre and low-key affair, not the sort of thing that makes for good television. We were hoping to have some video for you, but a lengthy search has produced nothing other than still photos like this one.

However, Agent 3 has just sent us what purports to be a transcript of 

BBC Coverage of the Funeral of HRM Duke Philip, Prince of Edinburgh 

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Welcome one and all, wherever you may be, to this Right Royal Funeral here in the truly fabulous surroundings of St George's Chapel in the age-old city of Windsor. Well, the sun is shining and it's one heck of a beautiful day, but of course this isn't what one might call an altogether "sunny" occasion, is it, Sophie? 

SOPHIE RAWORTH: Morning, Alan! There's a tremendous lot of excitement, with young and old come out to watch, and a group of kids by me painting lovely little miniature coffins, but, no, Alan, you're right - this is, at heart, a very very solemn occasion, as it's a funeral to mark the death of someone very very special.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Wonderful! And remind us who that very special person is, Sophie - or should I say "was"?!

SOPHIE RAWORTH: It's none other than His Royal Majesty Duke Philip, Prince of Edinburgh, Alan! For younger viewers, he's the one who was married to Queen Elizabeth 1 for I don't know how long! Years and years. But he's now, of course, very sadly died.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Her Royal Majesty must feel his demise most terribly. How do you think she's feeling now, as she prepares for this, her big day, Sophie?

SOPHIE RAWORTH: They say she's very saddened by her husband's death, Alan and who can blame her?! But it's worth remembering, Alan, that if he hadn't died, none of this would be happening today, and the whole event would probably have had to be cancelled, which would have been very disappointing, especially for all those who have come so far. So, in that sense, Alan, every cloud has a silver lining.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: So now let's go over to Dale Winton, with all the lovely people who've gathered outside Windsor Castle on this truly splendid occasion. What's the mood like down there, Dale?

DALE WINTON: Absolutely super, Alan! How are we all doing ladies? Give us a right royal cheer! Wooh! Yes! Well done, girls! They're all determined to have a really great time here today! And now back to you Alan!

ALAN TITCHMARSH: I'm delighted to welcome Royal expert Simon Schama. Tell us something about King George's Chapel, Simon. It's something of an iconic building, am I right, Simon?

SIMON SCHAMA: Very much so, Alan. It has a history as long as my arm. It was in the 13th century that King Hen... 

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Before you go all historical on us, Simon, I'm afraid I'm going to have to interrupt you because some sort of royal procession is now starting. So over to The Woman Who Knows yes, it's our right royal fashion expert Eve Pollard, no less, soaking up the fabulous funeral fashion!

EVE POLLARD: Yes, Alan, the excitement's mounting as they're take their seats in King James's Chapel, which gives us a golden opportunity to take a look at their frocks! Sadly, the Royals seem to be playing very safe today. It's all black, black, black. Princess Kate is wearing black, and so's The Queen, who's the one in the centre, and even the lovely Pippa has opted for something very very dark. One longs for a flash of bright yellow or lime green to cheer up the proceedings! And what about showing a bit of leg for the blokes, Pippa?! Ha ha! Back to you Alan!

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Thanks Eve! And now we welcome the one and only Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber to the studio. A very sad day, then, in many ways, Andy?

ANDREW LLOYD-WEBBER: Yes, Philip was a remarkable figure who came to see a great many of my shows - Superstar, Cats, Phantom - and he always took a keen interest in everything I was up to, so we'll all miss him terribly.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: And am I right in thinking, Andrew, that you have a brand new TV series on in the autumn?

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER: Yes, we're all very excited, we'll be searching for the new Little Orphan Annie...

ALAN TITCHMARSH: I'm going to have to stop you, there, Andrew, as I'm being told something's happening in the Chapel. Talk us through it, Matt!

MATT BAKER: Well, Alan, this is very definitely the "Wow!" moment we've all been waiting for. Various military types, soldiers or sailors, I'd guess, are striding along holding what looks like a great big box on their shoulders...

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Might that be the coffin, Matt?

MATT BAKER: Hard to tell, Alan, as it's got a flag of some sort covering it.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: And what's the atmosphere like down there?

MATT BAKER: Not many smiles, to be honest, Alan! In fact, I'd almost describe it as funereal. Hang on, there's this bloke down the far end of the Chapel who's started to speak. I'm pretty sure it's Rolf Harris.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: No Royal occasion is complete without Rolf. Let's hope he'll sing Two Little Boys, in honour of poor Wills and Harry, who let's not forget have lost their dear old Granddad... 

SIMON SCHAMA: It looks to me more like the Archbishop of Canterbury Alan.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Oooh! Very POSH! Nothing but the best, eh? To get down to the nitty- gritty, Simon, I'd imagine he'd have cost the family rather more than some other vicars I could mention. But I guess he's worth it for all the dignity he offers, eh?

SIMON SCHAMA: I... 

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Back to Matt in King John's Chapel itself. Well, the choir seems to be in full throttle, singing some sort of old and much-loved hymn, I'd imagine. Any sign of Gary Barlow, yet, Matt?

MATT BAKER: No, but once this is all over, I'll bet there's some mega celebs lined up for the after-party, Alan. With me now, as the coffin is carried back out, are Will.i.am, Ann Widdecombe, David Walliams, and Katie Price. Tell me, Katie, how well did you know Duke Philip?

KATIE PRICE: Who? Oh, him. He was well fit.

MATT BAKER: Could I ask you to speak up a bit, Katie? The choir's drowning us out! Back to you in the studio, Alan!

ALAN TITCHMARSH: A truly memorable day, a day most of us will probably remember for quite a few hours. So from the funeral of Prince George at St Philip's Chapel, Windsor, it's cheerio from us - and it's cheerio to him! Cheerio!

Another note from Ed.: Examination of the original with an 8x magnifier has revealed a date, 15 June 2012 (almost nine years earlier than the funeral we were thinking of!) and the words "Craig Brown" and "Private Eye". Whatever can it all mean?

Queen Elizabeth: lost without Prince Philip (1963 version)

As noted earlier today, I've been looking through some back issues of the British satirical magazine Private Eye, which I read assiduously for decades after discovering it on a visit to Not-so-great Britain in 1963. This is the cover from one of the early issues (No. 41) which I brought home with me.

 

On the cover date, 12 July 1963, I was en route to France to be there for Bastille Day on the 14th. Apparently I missed a spot of local (?) trouble, viz. the visit to London Her Majesty Queen Frederika of Greece. Born Frederica of Hanover (Friederike Luise Thyra Victoria Margarita Sophia Olga Cecilia Isabella Christa), she was Queen consort of Greece from 1947 until 1964 as the wife of King Paul. 

Her visit to the UK caused some little fuss because, according according to Wikipedia, Queen Frederika was thought to be "inherently undemocratic". [Imagine a queen being undemocratic! Ed.] She was "notorious for her numerous arbitrary and unconstitutional interventions in Greek politics and clashes with democratically elected governments.... 

"At home in Greece and abroad in the United Kingdom, she was targeted by the opposition. In 1963 while visiting London, rioting by Greek leftists demonstrating against the situation with the political prisoners of the Greek civil war, forced her to temporarily seek refuge in a stranger's house." I'm not sure if that's a reference to Buckingham Palace, but that's the story behind the Eye cover. 

So farewell then, Prince Philip

His Royal Highness Prince Philip, consort of Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, died this morning, surrounded by most of his family -- you know who wasn't there -- at Windsor Castle.

Affectionately (?) dubbed "Phil the Greek" by the British satirical newspaper Private Eye, Prince Philip was actually part of a very large German-British royal family, the Battenbergs, who members sat on the thrones of Russia, Germany, Greece and Great Britain at various times in the 20th century.

Philip, Prince of Greece and Denmark, the son of Princess Alice of Battenberg and grandson of the 1st Marquess of Milford Haven, took the name Mountbatten when he became a naturalised British subject on his marriage to Princess Elizabeth in 1947.

Philip became the longest-living royal consort in British history, surpassing Queen Caroline, the wife of George III. He spent 74 years supporting his wife in a role that both defined and constricted his life. He died just two months short of his 100th birthday.

Walt didn't know Prince Philip personally, [Really?! Ed.] but was inclined to like him for being politically incorrect, and by all account not suffering fools gladly. His dislike for Crown Prince Charles was fodder for "Heir of Sorrow", a parody of a Mills & Boon bodice-ripper which appeared regularly in Private Eye. One can only imagine what he thought of Prince Harry and the Princess of Woke.

The Prince was known to be "irascible and tough-minded", not afraid to call a spade a spade. He is said to have told a British diplomat posted to Hong Kong not to stay there too long "or you'll become all slitty-eyed like them." And on viewing a rat's nest of wires on a tour of a factory in India, he remarked, "Must have been done by a local electrician." 

In the 21st century, saying those kinds of things makes one politically incorrect, and obituaries are being published even as I write describing the late Prince as "racist" and "sexist". I don't think he would care. Here's a photo, posted on WWW years ago, which we think pretty much sums up Prince Philip's view of himself and his place in the overall scheme of things.

What is the reason for the enigmatic smile on his face...and the priceless expressions on the faces of the others, especially Prince Harry? Did Prince Philip fart? Seems like he didn't take himself too seriously, and Walt says, "Good on yer, Phil! RIP."

Death watch 2016 and other stuff

It's been a quiet weekend here in Lake Wo... [Hold it right there; that line's been taken. Ed.] [No! Garrison Keillor's line was "It's been a quiet WEEK (etc)."] What I mean to say is that I didn't do much, read much or think much, therefore have not much about which to write. However, I did ruminate [Not on the carpet, I hope! Ed.] about how old everyone is getting, except myself of course.

The cause of my rumination was my discover, in Jeremy Paxman's highly recommendable book On Royalty (Penguin 2006, Public Affairs 2007), that Eliabeth II, Queen of Great Britain, Northern Ireland, yada yada yada, will turn 90 in April. 90! Imagine that! She doesn't look a day over 80, does she. What, I thought, are the odds that she won't live to see her 90th birthday? Pretty long, I should think, given that her mother lived to 101. I expect Prince Charles will have to wait until 2017 at the very earliest.

But there are other octogenarians and nonagenarians who might not make it through 2016. Some bookie in England probably takes bets. Wonder what odds they're giving on the Queen's consort, Phil the Greek (as Private Eye calls him). Probably long odds as well, given Prince Philips damn-them-all outlook on life.

How about Pope Francis? Only in his 80s, but rumoured almost since his election to be in failing health. Perhaps for some Traditional Catholics the wish is father to the thought.

If not the Pope, then how about a President, or, I should say, former President, thinking of poor old Jimmy Carter. He thinks he may be free of cancer, but then he also thinks a little more goodwill will bring peace to the world. He should live so long!

The President almost everyone would like to see them close the lid on would certainly be Comrade Robert Gabriel Mugabe, President for Life of Zimbabwe. For the last couple of years he's been grooming his second wife, Grace, to be his successor. She seems to think she's ready for the job, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's prepared to wait another year. Perhaps she would go so far as to hasten the Old Man's demise. Hey, it's Africa!

Well, that's enough death watch. Let me close by giving out this week's Walt Award for Super-DUH! Headlines. No, it's not "China may be using sea to hide its submarines", rightly ridiculed here on Friday. That beauty was pipped at the post by a late entry from the Globe and Mail. Over a story from Reuters about an entirely predictable disaster in Mumbai, the Groan and Wail ran the headline "Huge fire engulfs venue at ‘Make in India’ event". Not stupid, really, just funny. Congratulations.

If you're not sure why Walt would find that headline and story funny, consider what Prince Philip had to say on the subject of Indian wiring. See "Prince apologises as latest gaffe offends Indians", in the Grauniad, 11/8/99.

Further reading: Jeremy Paxman, mentioned above, is a British journalist, best known for his work presenting BBC's Newsnight and University Challenge, the latter on my must-watch list when I lived in Olde Blighty. He has also written some eminently readable books, including On Royalty, and The English: A Portrait of a People (Penguin 1999). It is, of course, impossible to understand the English, but Mr. Paxman makes a very good attempt to explain the unexplainable.