Transcript: BBC coverage of the funeral of the Prince of Edinburgh

Note from Ed.: The funeral held at St George's Chapel in Windsor on last April 17th was a sombre and low-key affair, not the sort of thing that makes for good television. We were hoping to have some video for you, but a lengthy search has produced nothing other than still photos like this one.

However, Agent 3 has just sent us what purports to be a transcript of 

BBC Coverage of the Funeral of HRM Duke Philip, Prince of Edinburgh 

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Welcome one and all, wherever you may be, to this Right Royal Funeral here in the truly fabulous surroundings of St George's Chapel in the age-old city of Windsor. Well, the sun is shining and it's one heck of a beautiful day, but of course this isn't what one might call an altogether "sunny" occasion, is it, Sophie? 

SOPHIE RAWORTH: Morning, Alan! There's a tremendous lot of excitement, with young and old come out to watch, and a group of kids by me painting lovely little miniature coffins, but, no, Alan, you're right - this is, at heart, a very very solemn occasion, as it's a funeral to mark the death of someone very very special.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Wonderful! And remind us who that very special person is, Sophie - or should I say "was"?!

SOPHIE RAWORTH: It's none other than His Royal Majesty Duke Philip, Prince of Edinburgh, Alan! For younger viewers, he's the one who was married to Queen Elizabeth 1 for I don't know how long! Years and years. But he's now, of course, very sadly died.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Her Royal Majesty must feel his demise most terribly. How do you think she's feeling now, as she prepares for this, her big day, Sophie?

SOPHIE RAWORTH: They say she's very saddened by her husband's death, Alan and who can blame her?! But it's worth remembering, Alan, that if he hadn't died, none of this would be happening today, and the whole event would probably have had to be cancelled, which would have been very disappointing, especially for all those who have come so far. So, in that sense, Alan, every cloud has a silver lining.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: So now let's go over to Dale Winton, with all the lovely people who've gathered outside Windsor Castle on this truly splendid occasion. What's the mood like down there, Dale?

DALE WINTON: Absolutely super, Alan! How are we all doing ladies? Give us a right royal cheer! Wooh! Yes! Well done, girls! They're all determined to have a really great time here today! And now back to you Alan!

ALAN TITCHMARSH: I'm delighted to welcome Royal expert Simon Schama. Tell us something about King George's Chapel, Simon. It's something of an iconic building, am I right, Simon?

SIMON SCHAMA: Very much so, Alan. It has a history as long as my arm. It was in the 13th century that King Hen... 

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Before you go all historical on us, Simon, I'm afraid I'm going to have to interrupt you because some sort of royal procession is now starting. So over to The Woman Who Knows yes, it's our right royal fashion expert Eve Pollard, no less, soaking up the fabulous funeral fashion!

EVE POLLARD: Yes, Alan, the excitement's mounting as they're take their seats in King James's Chapel, which gives us a golden opportunity to take a look at their frocks! Sadly, the Royals seem to be playing very safe today. It's all black, black, black. Princess Kate is wearing black, and so's The Queen, who's the one in the centre, and even the lovely Pippa has opted for something very very dark. One longs for a flash of bright yellow or lime green to cheer up the proceedings! And what about showing a bit of leg for the blokes, Pippa?! Ha ha! Back to you Alan!

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Thanks Eve! And now we welcome the one and only Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber to the studio. A very sad day, then, in many ways, Andy?

ANDREW LLOYD-WEBBER: Yes, Philip was a remarkable figure who came to see a great many of my shows - Superstar, Cats, Phantom - and he always took a keen interest in everything I was up to, so we'll all miss him terribly.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: And am I right in thinking, Andrew, that you have a brand new TV series on in the autumn?

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER: Yes, we're all very excited, we'll be searching for the new Little Orphan Annie...

ALAN TITCHMARSH: I'm going to have to stop you, there, Andrew, as I'm being told something's happening in the Chapel. Talk us through it, Matt!

MATT BAKER: Well, Alan, this is very definitely the "Wow!" moment we've all been waiting for. Various military types, soldiers or sailors, I'd guess, are striding along holding what looks like a great big box on their shoulders...

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Might that be the coffin, Matt?

MATT BAKER: Hard to tell, Alan, as it's got a flag of some sort covering it.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: And what's the atmosphere like down there?

MATT BAKER: Not many smiles, to be honest, Alan! In fact, I'd almost describe it as funereal. Hang on, there's this bloke down the far end of the Chapel who's started to speak. I'm pretty sure it's Rolf Harris.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: No Royal occasion is complete without Rolf. Let's hope he'll sing Two Little Boys, in honour of poor Wills and Harry, who let's not forget have lost their dear old Granddad... 

SIMON SCHAMA: It looks to me more like the Archbishop of Canterbury Alan.

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Oooh! Very POSH! Nothing but the best, eh? To get down to the nitty- gritty, Simon, I'd imagine he'd have cost the family rather more than some other vicars I could mention. But I guess he's worth it for all the dignity he offers, eh?

SIMON SCHAMA: I... 

ALAN TITCHMARSH: Back to Matt in King John's Chapel itself. Well, the choir seems to be in full throttle, singing some sort of old and much-loved hymn, I'd imagine. Any sign of Gary Barlow, yet, Matt?

MATT BAKER: No, but once this is all over, I'll bet there's some mega celebs lined up for the after-party, Alan. With me now, as the coffin is carried back out, are Will.i.am, Ann Widdecombe, David Walliams, and Katie Price. Tell me, Katie, how well did you know Duke Philip?

KATIE PRICE: Who? Oh, him. He was well fit.

MATT BAKER: Could I ask you to speak up a bit, Katie? The choir's drowning us out! Back to you in the studio, Alan!

ALAN TITCHMARSH: A truly memorable day, a day most of us will probably remember for quite a few hours. So from the funeral of Prince George at St Philip's Chapel, Windsor, it's cheerio from us - and it's cheerio to him! Cheerio!

Another note from Ed.: Examination of the original with an 8x magnifier has revealed a date, 15 June 2012 (almost nine years earlier than the funeral we were thinking of!) and the words "Craig Brown" and "Private Eye". Whatever can it all mean?