UPDATE on the NOLA massacre, from the Babylon Bee

Further to our report on an unpleasant incident in New Orleans, in which a former soldier, who may or may not have been a Muslim, and may or may not have been a member of ISIS, and may or may not have been a jihadi wanna bet, took out 15 innocent bystanders, we are pass on the news, gleaned from the Babylon Bee (where else!) that the "FBI Assures Nation It Will Put Its Most Diverse Agents On Terror Case".

Makes you feel safe and secure, doesn't it?

Poor Len Canayen reviews the Canadiens' season to date

We haven't heard from our National Sports (As Long As It's Hockey) Editor since the beginning of the NHL season, so it's high time for Poor Len Canayen to address the current state of the CH (Montréal Canadiens) nation. Over to you, Len...

Tank  youse, Hed. First the standings and stats. We are now almost half-way into the 2024-5 season -- 37 games played -- and les Glorieux are in 6th place in the Eastern Division, with 17 wins, 17 losses, and 3 overtime losses, good for 37 points and a points percentage of .500.

That's not good enough to make the playoffs, but after a poor start in October and November, last month was encouraging. Les Boys are on a 3-game win streak, and have won an amazing 5 out of their last 6. New Year's Eve's 3-2 comeback win over the Golden Knights warmed the cockles of my heart. [If they're still too warm, try rubbing them with ice. Ed.]

To what or whom should we attribute the change in the Canadiens' fortunes? Let's see... 

Goal - Cayden Primeau had his chance to provie that he was a reliable backup to Sam Montembeault. Turned out he wasn't, so Primeau is now back in the AHL, where he belongs. Knowing that his position as the starter is safe seems to have increased Monty's confidence and he has been playing well of late.

 

Montembault doesn't have the reflexes and style of Carey Price, and still needs to make sure that he has hold of the puck when he stops it, but overall he is much improved. Jakub Dobes, called up from Laval to replace Primeau, pitched a shut-out in his first game against the Florida Panthers, and looks like a good bet for the future.

Defence - Coach Martin St. Louis tried a number of players and combinations to build a solid defence, but nothing worked, and there was talk of replacing veteran D-man David Savard, which IMHO would have been a mistake. Right-handed defencemen are hard to find. Instead. Finally they traded accident-prone Justin Barron to Nashville for another veteran, Alexandre Carrier, whose play has brought stability to the blue line.

The big news of this season, though, is rookie Lane Hutson, whose ability to skate and stick-handle made him an instant favourite of fans of the bleu-blanc-rouge. He has scored only two goals but has an incredible 24 assists. The big things about this little guy, though, is that opponents just can't take the puck away from him. Yes, he still makes rookie mistakes, and he needs to put on some weight, but the -9 beside his name isn't solely his fault.

The blossoming of Hutson may have miffed Mike Matheson, one of my personal favourites, but he should be relieved not to have to shoulder the defence burden all by himself. Two younger players, Arber Xhekaj and Kaiden Guhle, can also relax a bit and concentrate on improving their positionaql play. They'll be OK, and if not, then Jayden Struble will be happy to come down from the press box and bring his brawn with him.

Forwards - In the first two months of the season, scoring was not as big a problem for le CH as was defence. However, there was a problem with the offence, in that it was unbalanced. The team had one (only) scoring line, composed of Cole Caufield, Captain Nick Suzuki, and whoever was out there with them. The other nine forwards mostly ragged the puck until it was the Suzuki line's turn again.

That has changed. Patrik Laine, acquied from Columbus, had the bad luck to have his leg broken in his first regular season game with the Habs. The limb has mended now, and he has scored 8 goals in 13 games. It would be nice to see him score 5-on-5, but Laine has definitely earned his place. Good on yer, Patrik!

With Laine in the line-up [geddit? Ed.], Juraj Slafovsky is back on the top line, where his inability to put the puck in the net isn't as noticeable. Old pros Brendan Gallagher and Josh Anderson, with a big tip of the toque to Anderson, who has finally figured out that his strength is not as a scorer but as a defensive forward, à la Bob Gainey. Well, maybe not quite, but he has certainly moved to the "asset" side of the ledger.

Another veteran who has risen to the challenge is Joel Armia, who, with Anderson, is doing a great job on the PK. Even more surprsing is Jake Evans, who has become a star on the PK, with 3 shorties, to which he's added 7 even-strength goals, for a total of 10, tied with Gallagher as the Habs' third-highest goal producer.

Then we have Emil Heineman, who didn't do much until recently, mostly because he languishes on the 4th line and doesn't get a lot of ice time. But this month he's played hard, determined to move up the roster, and has 9 goals to show for it.

Finally, Kirby Dach, Christian Dvorak, and Alex Newhook, all of whom YVT would be glad to see traded for a bag of pucks or whatever GM Kent Hughes could get. Except... this month Dach sudde4nly started scoring. Perhaps it's playing with Laine that did it? Newhook has been getting some looks on the power play, and it must be said that he does try hard. 

Dvorak has hands of stone and never seems ready when someone passes the puck to him. But he is one of the Habs' top two at the faceoff dot (Evans is the other), and is a tough guy to play against. The last mention in this review goes to resident tough guy Michael Pezzetta, who hasn't been seen on the ice since... I can't remember. The Canadiens have been lucky, so far, in not having any serious injuries, except for Laine. When the time comes, as it will, Pezzetta will be there.

Prognosis: It would be nice to predict a 4th-place finish for la Sainte Flannelle, but I just can't. If Ottawa folds (as I predict), the Habs will finish 5th in the Atlantic. Playoffs next year. Lifetime pct .987.

Wally Awards for 2024: Best Christmas sweater

To Agent 17... I thought we were done with gloating, but couldn't resist this one.

OK, the American election is over. Coming up in 2025: Germany (this month), Canada (in October but, pray God, sooner), and France (possibly). Up the right!

"Allahu akbar!" in NOLA - Another year of peaceful coexistence begins

New Year's celebrations and festivities surrounding the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans were marred (but not cancelled) before dawn this morning, when a man driving a pickup truck rammed it into a crowd in the French Quarter, killing ten and injuring dozens more.

We were about to run the customary meme when someone said, "What if it's an 'anti-Islamist', like the guy in Magdeburg?" So we waited a couple of hours, and sure enough...

The FBI is investigating the slaughter of innocents as an act of terrorism. An Islamic State group flag was found in the vehicle, they said, along with an IED (read: bomb). The driver, who was killed in an exchange of gunfire with New Orlean's finest, has been identified the driver as Shamsud Din Jabbar, 42, a resident of Texas. It's possible that he is not unrelated to the Shamsud Din Jabbar who appears in this video selfie.

 

If this property manager of Blue Meadow Properties LLC in Sugar Land TX (not a million miles from New Orleans) is the person shown in this photo, he will no longer be in a position to represent you in your real estate dealings.

For some reason, the religion of the deceased terrorist has not been revealed, but if we are correct in our assumption (lifetime pct .987) he is at this very moment in Paradise, being serviced by 72 virgins.

Sleepy Joe Biden, speaking to reporters from his basement in Delaware, said he felt "anger and frustration" over the attack, which would never have happened had he only been re-elected. He is said to be considering a pre-emptive posthumous pardon for the late jihadi.

VIDEO: The recording that sold 50 million copies but is never listened to

OK, it's not a video, just audio with a picture of the label. Yes, it's Bing Crosby, with a New Year's wish. 50 million copies of this recording have been purchased by music lovers all over the world.

"50 million copies", you say? How can you say it's never listened to? Simple. It's on the "B" side of "White Christmas".

Walt, Poor Len (who's busy writing his year-end review of the Montréal Canadiens), [and Ed.! Ed.] extend their best wishes to all our readers as well as the non-readers who just laugh at the memes and watch the videos. (Yes, we are aware that that happens.)

2024 Wally Awards: Worst living Canadian Prime Minister - VIDEO

Agent 3 read "2024 Wally Awards: Worst Living President" and called to remind us that since the passing, last March, of the Rt. Hon. Byron Muldoon, there is no need to ask for nominations for the captioned Award, as there is only one. For reasons which this video makes obvious, we therefore present the Wally to Little Potato, as he is called by his former 2IC.

We wish our Canadian readers and friends every success in making 2025 a truly happy New Year, by getting shut of Blackie McBlackface, and his ill-assorted coterie of minions. The Wally for the Most Rebarbative Minion goes to Steven Guilbault, pictured in the thumbnail, although it was a close thing with Chrystia Freeland.