1. In the year 1968 a plague was ravaging the land the Indians called Ka-na-ta, their word for "cold and dismal". The God-fearing, hardworking and docile people, whose totem was the industrious beaver, had been infected by the Hippie Virus, emanating from the Land of the Free, and had given themselves over to lassitude and hedonism. They wore strange clothing, ingested strange substances, and behaved in manners unacceptable to the great god Mammon.
2. By the grace of Business, whose great temples remain still on the Street which is called Bay, Ka-na-ta was ruled by the Natural Governing Party, which was called Liberal. Its great chief, at the time, was a feeble elder who was called "Mike", because his real name was "Lester", which the political rainmakers thought sounded less than manly.
3. So behold, a writ was issued by the chief rainmaker, summoning all Liberals to the village of Oddawa, that a new leader might be chosen. Let him be "cool", they said, that he might appeal to the sufferers from the Hippie Virus, and epitomize the counter-culture which they had embraced.
4. The leading contender for the leadership of the NGP, anointed by the Bankers and captains of Business, was a man named Winters, which sounded cool enough as it echoed down the canyons of Bay Street. But the scribes of the Red Star pronounced him "yesterday's man". A new generation was needed, they said, and his star was rising in the East.
5. And lo, there came from the province of Québec, whose tetrarch was John the Wise, three Wise Men (called "doves" in their own language), named Jean, Gérard and Pierre. The youngest of these, but also the wisest (so it was said) was Pierre, who was called Trudeau, which, in his language, meant "waterhole", or something like that.
6. Pierre met with the assembled Liberal chefs in April of 1968, and prate unto them, "It's spring!" So old man Winters slunk away, and Pierre took Mike's place on the throne of power, at the age of 48. There he sat there for over eleven years.
7. But before long, the people of Ka-na-ta began to speculate that Pierre, being unmarried and heirless as he approached his 50th birthday, might be a "homo", which, in those days, was their word for "gay".
8. Thus Pierre took unto himself a wife, a flower-child named Margaret, who, on Christmas Day of 1971, bore a son, of whom Pierre claimed to be the father. They called him "Justin", meaning "He who is the issue of Pierre, certainly not of Fidel or Mick Jagger".
9. Another seven years passed by. The people of Ka-na-ta grew tired of Pierre and, in the summer of 1979, put in his place a man known as Joe Who. Whereupon Pierre declared that the Liberal Party was no longer worthy of him, and retired.
10. The following winter, when the people seemed likely to plunge their daggers into Joe Who's front, as well as his back, Pierre took a walk in the snow, and had a change of mind, if not of heart. He spake to the people thus, "If you miss me already as much as you ought, I am prepared to come back."
11. And so he did, ruling for another four years, after which the people rose up and said to him, "We have been burdened with taxes and liberal ideology, and did we mention taxes, long enough. Go, already!" And so he did.
12. The Natural Governing Party wandered in and out of the wilderness for the next three decades, give or take, under four successive but not overly successful leaders, ending with the prodigal son known as Iggy (although his name was Michael), who led the race to the bottom in the spring of 2011.
13. Then the Business people looked down from the towers of Bay Street and saw that their Liberals were at risk of losing Natural Governing status; wherefore they bestirred themselves to search diligently amongst the bullrushes to find a new Michael, or better, a new Moses, who could lead the party back into power.
14. Lo and behold, the Red Star shone upon Justin, now 39 years of age and therefore sufficiently dry behind the eyes to take command, for did he not verily represent yet another new generation.
15. So it came to pass that Justin Pierre James Trudeau was crowned leader of the Liberal Party of Canada in 2013, and Prime Minister of Ka-na-ta, in 2015. He immediately set out to complete his father's work, to transform Ka-na-ta, once also known as the Great White North, into Canuckistan, now known as Something Else Entirely.
16. It took the Canuckistanis only three years to realize that they had made a Great Mistake in following yet another charismatic leader, and should not drink more of his KoolAid. But until 2022, in the eighth year of the reign of Trudeau II, they were mesmerized by Trudeau's sparkling eyes, nice hair, and other Red Star qualities.
17. Only now have the people awakened from their slumber and determined to rid themselves of their latter-day Neo. Alas for them, they have not yet had the opportunity so to do.
18. But the day is coming. Knowing that, the powers behind the Red Throne are searching for a new puppet, but not searching too hard for they know the next leader will be nought but a sacrificial lamb.
19. The minions of Mammon are clever. They know that it may take a decade or longer before they can pull the wool back over the eyes of the hapless Canucks. Thus their real quest is for someone who can take up the cause in the year 2035.
20. Step forward, then, Xavier James Trudeau, son of Justin and grandson of Pierre-Elliott, born on the 18th day of October, 2007. This fall, Xavier will be old enough to vote, and old enough to be elected. By 2035 he will be 28, the youngest-ever Emperor of All Canuckistan -- EmperorTrudeau III. So let it be written, say the Mammonites, so let it be done. Selah!
