Reported on BN: The Neiman Marcus "shoplifter"

Full disclosure from Ed. - Walt is resting up ahead of what he expects will be a bang-up 4th of July (and not just in Baltimore!), so hasn't written anything. But you, dear reader, deserve something to tickle your funny bone, so we've scraped this story, in its entirety, with the photo, from Breitbart News. 

Chicago Police: Man Named Neiman Marcus Shoplifted from Neiman Marcus

A Chicago man by the name of Neiman Marcus Collins is charged with shoplifting and identify theft for using a stolen credit card at, you guessed it — Neiman Marcus. 

The 35-year-old man allegedly walked into the department store on Wednesday and picked out a backpack with a price tag of $1213 and a $364 sweatshirt, CWBC Chicago reported. 

Collins dropped the sweater on the ground while at the checkout counter, and he gave the cashier a stolen Discover card belonging to a 60-year-old woman unbeknownst to the cashier, according to Assistant State’s Attorney Joseph Sorrentino. 

A security guard was watching Collins through the store’s security camera during the transaction. [Wonder why? Ed.] 

After paying for the backpack, Collins allegedly picked up the sweater off the ground and stuffed it into his backpack. He was stopped at the door by another guard. 

The loss prevention office realized that Collins paid for the merchandise with a stolen credit card. He is charged with aggravated identity theft of a person over 60 and a misdemeanor of retail theft. 

Collins already has five outstanding arrest warrants including one in Florida and one in Georgia, and he has been convicted of felonies six different times. Three of his outstanding warrants are for violating his probation. Collins is being held without bail.

Footnote: We note the charge of "retail theft". Maybe there's no such thing as "shoplifting" any more. How about "reparations shopping"?

Would you drink a beer called "Pubic Hair"?

Step right up, folks, and get an ice cold can of "the perfect summer beer, light body with a subtle citrus flavour from the New Zealand Hops! Find one in the wild or in Alberta's liquor stores and pubs"

So says Hell's Basement Brewery, out of Medicine Hat AB [Seriously. Look it up. Ed.], which launched Huruhuru (the Feather) New Zealand Hopped Pale Ale two years ago. Two years. That's how long it took for word to filter back to Canuckistan that "huruhuru" actually means pubic hair in te reo, the language spoken by the Maori people of New Zealand.

A Facebooker named Te Hamua Nikora, who is Maori, this week called out the brewery and a leathercraft shop in New Zealand for both using the word. "What's the first thing most Maori think when they hear the word 'huruhuru'?" asked Mr Nikora in his FB video. "It was brought to my attention a few days ago that there is a new shop in Wellington...and it's called Huruhuru Authentic Leather."

He said he sent the shop a Facebook message to ask what they thought the word meant. He said they responded that they found it in a dictionary as a word for "feather". "When the Maori look at the name of your store, they're not going to see 'feather' or soft leather," he said, "they're going to see 'pubes'."

The FB post quickly came to the attention of Mike Patriquin, founder and general manager of Hell's Basement Brewery, who responded with a stereotypically Canadian fulsime apology. "The interpretation was intended as 'feather' – meaning the beer itself is light as a feather and this is also stated in the name," said Mike in an e-mailed statement.

"We acknowledge that we did not consider the commonplace use of the term 'huruhuru' as a reference to pubic hair, and that consultation with a Maori representative would have been a better reference than online dictionaries. We wish to make especially clear that it was not our intent to infringe upon, appropriate, or offend the Maori culture or people in any way; to those who feel disrespected, we apologize."

Huruhuru IPA is to be rebranded. Names are being checked carefully with the PC police, and "AB0" (AB for Alberta and 0 as in "zero") has already been rejected.

Note from Ed.: Walt has returned.

Aunt Jemima to get anti-racism makeover

I see Aunt Jemima is about to get the Darkie/Darlie treatment. For those who don't know how Darkie Toothpaste was gradually changed to "Darlie" so the cartoon character brand identifier wouldn't look quite so black, check "Politically correct toothpaste makes your smile brighter", WWW 21/1/12.

Now, in the wake of the "protests" (read: "riots") that have followed the police killing of George Floyd, Quaker Oats (a division of Pepsico), makers of Aunt Jemima pancake mix and syrup, announced yesterday that the dear old aunt will get a new image, and even a new name. Why? Because they recognize that "Aunt Jemima's origins are based on a racial stereotype."

No kidding?! Seems Quaker knew this at least half a century ago, when they replaced the 19th-century cartoon [N-word deleted here. Ed.] with a version apparently based on the beloved "Mammy" portrayed by Hattie McDaniel in Gone With The Wind. The resemblance is, of course, purely coincidental.

The 1950s picture changed over time, as America got more and more politically correct, and in recent years Quaker removed the "mammy" kerchief from the character to blunt growing criticism that the brand perpetuated a racist stereotype that dated to the days of slavery. Here's how Aunt Jemima looks now.

Kinda like Michelle Obama, right? You know, a thoroughly modern person of colour who likes nothing better, after a hard day of fighting for social justice, but to whomp up a bunch of pancakes for her husband and kids. (Or maybe just the kids, if their father is AWOL).

But Quaker says a more profound change is needed as part of an effort by the company "to make progress toward racial equality." A spokesthingy for the cfompany told the meeja, "We recognize Aunt Jemima's origins are based on a racial stereotype. As we work to make progress toward racial equality through several initiatives, we also must take a hard look at our portfolio of brands and ensure they reflect our values and meet our consumers' expectations."

Quaker said the new packaging will begin to appear this fall of 2020, and a new name for the foods will be announced at a later date. Something like "Buffy" or "Kendall" or "Madison", perhaps. Readers are invited to send their suggestions to Quaker by clicking on this link. Not "Mandy", please!

Footnote: Looks like Uncle Ben's rice is next, to be followed closely by Mrs. Butterworth's maple syrup. Uncle Ben's I can understand but Mrs. Butterworth's? What's wrong with this?

Oh... I get it... They're afraid Pepsico will sue for infringement of copyright of the original Aunt Jemima!

And now our Wally award for the first half of 2020: the best makeover of all: "Cracker Jack Changes Name To More Politically Correct Caucasian Jack", Babylon Bee (who else?!), 17/6/20.

Why Berthier-Maskinongé voted for Ruth-Ellen

A reader writes from Québec -- he reads the French version of this blog, no doubt -- to ask Walt to explain the results of the recent Canadian federal election.

In particular, our reader wants to know how it came about that le Nouveau Parti Démocratique, which has never held more than a single seat in la Belle Province, suddenly captured 58 of the 70 available. In even more particular, he wants to know whatever possessed the voters of the riding of Berthier-Maskinongé to elect Ruth-Ellen Brosseau.

Mme Brosseau may well be the hottest-ever MP. See pic. However she speaks only a little French, which one would think a handicap in a riding which is 98% francophone. But then Mme Brosseau could be forgiven for not knowing that, since she never set foot in the riding until yesterday, a week after the election. No, not even during the campaign. She spent most of the campaign on vacation in Las Vegas. How could the nice people of Berthier-Maskinongé have voted her in?

The answer to this poser may be found in Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel. There, the brilliant political analyst, Scott Adams, writes: Most voters are ignoramuses who get all of their opinions from paid TV ads.

If you doubt this thesis, look at the "ordinary people" shopping with you at the supermarket. (If you buy groceries at WalMart, don't stare too long or you'll damage your cerebral cortex.) You will observe that many of these "ordinary people" fill up their carts with nationally advertised brands of junk food. This in spite of the availability of equivalent house or no-name brands, usually on the very same shelf.

The generic potato chips or whatever are, as often as not, made by the very same company that produces the branded junk. And the generic junk is cheaper! Yet people buy Krapped foods (thanks to Adams for that one) rather than the no-name product. Why? Because "we seen it on TV!"

Still in doubt? Many malls now have "As Seen on TV" stores! People flock into these stores and flock off with shamwows and slap-chops which are the epitome of over-priced, useless crapola. Why? Because "we seen it on TV!" And here's the thing. Those shoppers are allowed to vote!

So, to win the votes of the "ordinary people", the parties praise (or vilify) the candidates, especially the party leaders, until people vote for (or against) them. The good bourgeois of Berthier-Maskinongé didn't vote for Mme Brosseau. They voted NDP/NPD because its leader, Smilin' Jack Layton, came over on TV as "the kind of guy you'd most want to have a beer with. We seen him on TV!"

Let's give the last words to Scott Adams.

My favorite thing that politicians say is "The voters aren't dumb." This is something that voters generally believe because they are dumb. I realize this sounds harsh. But if I'm wrong, and it's true that the voters are smart, despite allevidence to the contrary, it raises some troubling questions.

How uninformed must a voter be before it's okay to call him dumb?

If all the voters have roughly the same goals and the same information, but half of the voters vote one way and half vote the other way, doesn't that mean half of them are dumb?

How can we tell which half is the dumb half?

To which Walt would add this reminder. To win an election, you need only 50% + 1.

What DO they eat, there?

To the Wormy Apple (it's rotten to the core) to shop for Asian food. I live in a small town, so a trip to the big smoke is necessary to find anything more exotic than bok choy. While Mrs. Walt laded the cart with chicken claws, jiaozi, ribbon fish, wood ears and other fungi, I busied myself checking out the unusual brand names of some of the products on offer.

You've probably already heard of Pocari Sweat, a well-known (?) Japanese sports drink, the oriental version of Gatorade. I was first introduced to it when I bellied up to a bar in China and asked if they had any energy drinks. The barman said "No Sweat" and gave me a Coke. Sweat is now available in powdered form. Just add water and sweaten to taste.

How about some junk food...errr, snacks. You can choose from Hello Panda -- presumably not made from any endangered species -- or Pocky, whatever that is. But it's not as if we don't have strangely named snacks on this side of the Pacific. How about Milk Duds, the most aptly-named candy I ever tasted.

Walt's prize for Strangest Brand Name goes to... the envelope please... Placenta! You wash your face etc. with it. It's herbal soap. As for me, I'll stick with Ivory.

Are there any brand names, oriental or occidental, that strike you as odd? Share them with us. Click on the headline and the post will display on its own page, with a comments box at the bottom. Thums Up! (It's an Indian substitute -- a damn poor one -- for Coca-Cola.)