"You are powerless against my assault rosary!!!"

Earlier this month, The Atlantic, which used to be a reasonably fair journal of opinion*, published "How Extremist Gun Culture Is Trying to Co-opt the Rosary", by one a self-described "online hate researcher" -- an "expert" no doubt -- by the name of Daniel Panetton. That the original title was "How the Rosary became an extremist symbol" tells you all ye need to know about the biases of the author.

In "Of 'rad-trad' Catholics, 'battle beads' and belly laughs", our old friend Rex Murphy, who was raised Catholic but is by no meands one of us "Trads", calls the piece "the funniest thing I've read in decades...[in] the tradition of National Lampoon or Mad Magazine...a scream from beginning to end."

Mr Murphy writes:  A few minutes later, after composing myself, I read the article’s first sentence: "Just as the AR-15 rifle has become a sacred object for Christian nationalists in general, the Rosary has acquired a militaristic meaning for radical-traditional (or 'rad trad') Catholics."

Almost as good is that sly dig at "Christian nationalists" (they may even exist -- I won’t contest it) for whom "the AR-15 has become a sacred object." Another luminously funny revelation. The AR-15 -- sacred? Is it only that munition? Or do the 12-gauge shotgun, the .30-30 Winchester and the humble .22 exert an equal sacerdotal aura? I expect to this author they do, but like all great humorists he doesn’t overload (a useful verb here) his exposition."

He concludes: ...watch out for those rad-trad Rosary-toting Catholic nationalists. They may be hiding a print of The Lord's Prayer in their ammunition case.

The Babylon Bee "your trusted source of Christian satire", takes up the cudgels with "Catholics Unveil High-Capacity Assault Rosary" Here's part of their tongue-in-cheek report.

Pope Francis issued a papal bull Thursday authorizing the production of a new HM-18X Assault Rosary. The pope detailed key features of the innovative new rosary in his edict, including rapid-fire decades, an extended crucifix clip, and a laser sight....

"For centuries the holy rosary has been our greatest and most stylish tool to fight evil," said Pope Francis during morning mass in St. Peter's Basilica. "But the time has come for more aggressive spiritual warfare to fight evil climate change and protect marginalized communities." 

"Oh, and serve God," he quickly added.

Swiss Guards deployed in Vatican City have advised Catholics not to aim the new rosary at anyone they do not wish to bless.... A pew research study indicates conservative Catholics have latched onto the new rosary, impressed by how many prayers they can shoot off in five minutes. Liberal Catholics are dismayed at what they see as "too much prayer" and are currently advocating for common sense rosary reform.

And finally... a little-known (to Walt, until now) blog called The American Catholic reposted "Assault Rosaries Banned In Virginia" a piece by Guy McClung, first published over a year ago... as satire!

A couple of quotes: The photo above is of a United States government issued “combat rosary” supplied to U.S. soldiers in WW I. They were made of chain and some – the more “deadly” versions – included a miraculous medal and a St. Benedict medal].

"Our law enforcement personnel and national guard troops have done a fantastic job," said Virginia Governor Shearing Northcut following this weekend's raids on homes, churches, and businesses across the state. "In a short 36 hour period, they found and confiscated over 40,000 of the rosary hate weapons. They will all be destroyed."

One state senator, who asked to remain anonymous, told this reporter, "It just makes common sense. No one needs to say 53 of the same prayer or even 6 of the same prayer, over and over. It is in the interest of all the people that these chains or necklaces or whatever they are be limited by law."

In his update, Mr McClung writes: I am working on a new prophecy: "Vatican Bans Assault Bibles; Democrats Exalt."

[That's enough parodies of an article that parodies itself. Ed.]

* Until they started giving space to the TDS-challenged cuckservative, David Frum.