Friday, June 2, 2017

Brit scientists to clone 9th-century Englishman with balls

Many people -- not just the Scots and the Irish -- believe that modern Englishmen are a race of effete, pigeon-hearted, lily-livered, self-abusing pansies. With bad teeth. Their less-than-robust response to the Manchester massacre is a case in point. Not one leading Limey "male" could bring himself to utter the words "Islamic" and "terrorism" in the same breath. Andy Burnham, the Mayor of Greater Manchester, actually said, "This man [Salman Abedi, the perpetrator] was a terrorist, not a Muslim." In fact Mr Abedi was a Muslim, and is presumably enjoying the services of 72 virgins in Paradise right now.

Such response as there was to the Islamic terrorist attack came from the British Home Secretary, a woman, and the British Prime Minister, also a woman. Theresa May, the Prime Minister in question, likewise avoided any reference to Islam or Muslims. Mustn't provoke Islamophobia, you know! Yet I fancy she regards herself as a latter-day Margaret Thatcher. Well, I remember Margaret Thatcher, and Mrs May is no Margaret Thatcher, not by a long shot.

Margaret Thatcher was by way of being the strongest Prime Minister in post-WWII British history, stronger than any English (or Scottish) "man" who occupied the position. Which reminds me of a story. It is said that one day Mrs Thatcher was meeting with her inner cabinet -- all men -- at No. 10 Downing Street. There was a lot of business to be discussed, and the meeting looked like extending well into the evening. So Maggie decided they should work through dinner, and summoned the major domo to order. "What could we have for dinner?", she asked him.
"Lamb or roast beef," was the reply.
"I'll have the roast beef," said the PM.
"What about the vegetables?" was the next question.
"Oh," said Mrs Thatcher, "they'll have the roast beef too!"

That brings us to the point of this post, which is to share a great story from The People's Cube. In "Manchester scientist to clone 'British Man' from 9th century", Mrs Red Square reports that a recently found 1200-year-old fossil is giving anthropologists new insights into a warrior-like, bipedal masculine human specimen they have identified as Testiculus Englishmanus, a mysterious ancestor of modern-day British men. The six-foot-long fossil reveals that the extinct early man of England possessed two large working testicles (a left one and a right one), which shatters all modern theories about the origins of today's residents of the Septic Isle.

The well-preserved remains [Mrs Square continues] give researchers an unfettered view of the creature, whose anatomy has stumped anthropologists for decades. "It is so odd-looking that some people thought the fossilized body parts belonged to several different people instead of just one," Sanstestes said. "Fortunately, we now have the fossils, and they almost speak for themselves."

"Look at those fists," said Emmeline Pankhurst, a research fellow in paleobiology at the University of Manchester in the United Kingdom. "You can easily imagine them thwarting off attackers of British girls. If we could clone such men, we wouldn't need to worry about protecting ourselves from the modern-day Heathen Army."

Walt wishes the researchers good luck in finding the secret to getting Englishmen to grow a set. Each. If that fails, perhaps they could graft some onto Englishwomen, starting with Theresa May.

Note from Ed.: Mrs Square uses the adjectives "English" and "British" more or less interchangeably. Walt made that mistake on a visit to Glasgow some years ago and has walked kind of funny ever since. We hope the first paragraphs make clear that Scotsmen and (especially) Irishmen are evidently less testosterone-challenged than the feckless English.

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