Weekend smiles: Phyllis Dillerisms

Ed. here. Walt has gone Christmas shopping. Let's take a weekend break with some of stand-up comedienne Phyllis Diller's best lines, courtesy of seldom-heard-from Agent 71.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice. They just look like me.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, "Is this milk fresh?" He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Footnote: Phyllis Diller's real name is Phyllis Ada Drive. Just thought should know.