The city of London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. Many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event are to be especially altered to reflect the political and social realities of modern-day Britain. A copy of these changes has been leaked to the Zimbabwe Independent, thence to Walt. Here it is:
Opening Ceremonies
The flame will be ignited by a molotov cocktail thrown by a native of the area dressed in the traditional balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
100 metre sprint
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and at the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 metre hurdles
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
Hammer throw
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing
Entrants will be required to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in five minutes.
Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawed-off 12-gauge shotgun.
Boxing
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling time trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.
Cycling pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Modern pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool.
The marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men’s 50k walk
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be, errr, mincing.
The closing ceremony
The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by the West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
No comments:
Post a Comment