What to say when you're caught humping a pumpkin

While police work can often be dangerous, it can occasionally be entertaining. 

In Georgia recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Mr Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

In his defence, the suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside," he said, "and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around."

He went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, y'know," he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Mr Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience, until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Deputy Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin."

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached the defendant. "I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit, is it midnight already?!'"

The court (including the judge) could not contain their laughter. Mr Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined ten bucks and sent on his way.

Thanks to Agent 6 for this perfect pre-Hallowe'en story.

B&B for BDSM - only in Canada?

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT

Dear reader, if you need to have either of the terms "B&B" or "BDSM" explained, you probably shouldn't be reading this. But since Walt knows you will... "B&B" = "bed & breakfast", cheap and cheerful lodgings, usually in someone's home, where a weary traveller can find repose after a hard day on the road. According to Wikipedia, "BDSM" = "a variety of erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other interpersonal dynamics". Combine the two et voilà: B&B for BDSM!

But do places like the one pictured really exist? Why, yes! And not just in latter-day Sodoms and Gomorrahs like New York and Toronto. The recreation room in the photo is to be found within Euphoria B&B, in beautiful downtown Stellarton, Nova Scotia! (That would be just off Highway 104, about halfway between Truro and Antigonish. You're welcome.)

Euphoria B&B is a home business opened last fall by owners Kelly McAlear and Leslie Ogle. And yes, it caters to adults (only!) who want to experience role-playing, bondage, dominance, submission and sadomasochism. And other interpersonal dynamics. Walt can't provide a link to the website, since it's been taken down after a visit from Inspector Knacker of the local constabulary, who questioned whether they had the right permit to operate a business out of their home according to the town bylaws. They didn't so they stopped advertising.

However, word of the B&B has spread, resulting in a number of meetings with various families and town officials. Kim Murray, a neighbour who found out about the bed and breakfast two weeks ago, said, "We're a little shocked." But the B&B owners said there was no extra charge for that, and that they'd already applied for the correct permit.

The neighbour isn't satisfied. "I think the people with small children seem to be more concerned," she told the CBC. "They don't know who's going to be in their neighbourhood and who will be coming." [Kudos to Walt for avoiding a cheap joke there. Ed.]

A town planner in Stellarton says if the couple obtain a permit and the location passes a fire inspection, the town cannot force the business to stay closed. However, there is a neighbourhood covenant for Poplar Street in Stellarton -- where the bed and breakfast is located -- which indicates there must be no business or professional activity on the road.

"If somebody felt that a property owner was in contravention of one of the covenants," he said, "they could seek legal advice and perhaps take some kind of civil action."

The CBC, always keen on stories promoting "alternative lifestyles", contacted a user group in Halifax for comments. The Society of Bastet, where people can carry out sexual fetishes and practise an alternative lifestyles, revealed that the "kink scene" is more common than many realize. An anonymous spokesthingy said that between 30 and 100 people participate in kink parties in the Halifax area on a regular basis.

According to FetLife, "the largest and most popular FREE Social Network for the Kinky community", there are 17,000 members in Nova Scotia.

The Society of Bastet member told the CBC one of the misconceptions about BDSM is that it's rough sex, à la Jian Ghomeshi. But, he said, that' not always the case. "BDSM does not have to include sex. If two people are consenting, they can have sex with their BDSM — that is fine — but they don't have to," he said. "At Bastet, and at the bars and the parties too, sex is off the table. [On the floor, perhaps? Ed.] So that way you can just focus on the S&M and not have to worry about having that sexual pressure there."

[Space does not permit any further titillating quotes of comments. I have tied up Walt's hands and inserted a gag in his mouth, and won't remove it until he begs and grovels. Ed.]