How to choose a good English name - tips from Chinese TV

As any English-speaker (like Ed.) who has taught at a Chinese university (like Ed.) knows, Chinese who aspire to anything -- education, a career or doing business -- outside of China sooner or later choose an English name for themselves. They do so because Westerners struggle with even the simplest Chinese names, because of the difficulty in getting the tones right. Besides, "if these furriners want to do stuff with us, they'd better learn to talk white!"

Good advice, but the problem is that Chinese people, either trying to be creative or show admiration for all things Western, often pick really dumb names. Ed. kept a list of some of the odder names chosen by his students, including: boys - Mosquito, Iverson, Jean, Dragon; girls - Apple (had several of those), Cherry (OK, not so strange) and Kiki (which is funny if you speak Tagalog).

To the rescue comes CCTV, the Chinese state television network, which has just published, on one of its websites, "Tips for Chinese choosing an English name".

Good names, they say, are traditional English names like Elizabeth, Catherine, William or George. (If you haven't guessed how they picked those four, have a look at who's pictured on the web page.) "Pick one of these 'conservative' names if you're looking for a 'safe' English name, often with implications of wealth.... They also have a distinct feeling of 'Britishness', or rather, 'Caucasianess'." Right. Got it. Nothing racist about the Chinese.

Names to be avoided, CCTV says, are those of avoid fictional characters, names with the potential for sexual innuendo, or random words like "Dragon" (sure enough), "Fish" or "Lawyer". The last one, they advise, could come back and haunt you "if you want a call back from that serious law firm in America." Right again.

An English name should "come with a 'feeling' or idea about what sort of person you are, and where you come from", so names such as "Satan" or "Dumbledore" are out, the website says. Women are told to think carefully about "food" names such as Candy (indeed), Lolly or Sugar, which might be seen as "stripper names". Walt doesn't think "Apple" is a "stripper name", only kind of childish and dumb.

CCTV helpfully gives as well a lengthy warning about names with sexual connotations, especially when used in conjunction with common Chinese surnames, such as Dong or Wang, which "are used as slang for male genitalia". Wow! Really? So readers are warned "to avoid anything like 'Bunny Wang' at all times."

Now if only some American would make up a list of white trash/soap opera names to be avoided, such as "Brittany", "Ashley", "Jaden", "Tyler", "Taylor" [That's enough. Ed.] Or distinctive black names which appear to have been thought up on a visit to the supermarket. "Yo listen here, Velveeta! Yeah, an' yo sistah Visine too!"

If you love Elmo, crap your hands!

One of the things Walt misses about no longer living in China [Just in case any readers were wondering. Ed.] is the amusement of reading notices, signs and other documents written in Chingrish.

Chingrish, for those not familiar with the term, is a strange and hilarious amalgam of misspellings and mistranslations used by Chinese who believe that they can speak/write English. "Of cos I speak good Engrish! I got CET-4!"

One example that always made me smile was the little sign in the Renrenle supermarket showing shoppers where to find the "CHEWING GUN".

Perhaps the product was to be found just an aisle or two over from the "Rocking Elmo" pictured here. To be fair, though, I believe the admonition to "Crap Your Hands" is actually Japlish, first cousin to Chinglish.

The picture was posted on the ChairmanLOL website, which has hundreds of similar examples. Mind you, the Chinese and Japanese are not the only ones to mangle the language of Shakespeare and Churchill. Horrible examples of "Engrish" as she is spoken around the world -- including so-called English-speaking countries -- can be found at Engrish.com. Walt invites to read, laugh, and see if you can do any better!