Agent 17 sent me what purport to be "actual exchanges between pilots and control towers". The references to 727s and 747s, Pan-Am and Eastern, tell me this has been around for awhile, and I'm in some doubt as to its "actuality", but it's good for some chuckles after a trying week.
Tower: TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 degrees.
TWA 2341: Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?
Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: I'm fucking bored!
Ground Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!
Unknown aircraft: I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower: American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound.
United 329: Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight!
A Pan-Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following.
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?
Ground (in English): If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (with a British accent): Because you lost the bloody war!
Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?
Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers.
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned for being a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan-Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a BA 747, callsign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.
Ground: Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?
Speedbird 206: Stand by, Ground. I'm looking up our gate location now.
Ground (impatient and arrogant): Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark. And I didn't land.
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