Tomorrow is July 12th, "the Glorious 12th", on which the anti-Catholic bigots of the Loyal Orange Lodge celebrate the triumph of King Billy of Orange (he's the one on the white horse) over the Catholic King James II in Ireland 220 years ago. Ireland has never been the same since and Britain still occupies the northern part, which they call Ulster.
The fight over Ulster has continued for about a century since the days of Michael Collins (see the movie!), in spite of peace initiatives by Bill Clinton and others. But Michael Moore, in his book Stupid White Men, proposes a solution, which Walt heartily endorses.
Convert the Protestants of Northern Ireland to Catholicism!
Moore reckons that if just 2.5% of the Protestants of Ulster convert, that would create a Catholic majority. End of problem. And getting that 2.5% to switch should be easy, according to Moore. Just show them the following benefits of being a Roman Catholic.
One guy in charge -- the Pope. There are several thousand Protestant sects. Some are run by committee, some by an elected chair, others simply run like a food co-op, with no one calling the shots. Going Catholic means having a leader for life, someone unafraid of making a decision, giving the faithful a fixed set of rules and boundaries that give one’s life order and clarity. And after the Pope dies, no messy elections -- a couple hundred guys wearing red gather in a room, vote, and a puff of white smoke out of the chimney tells everyone the decision has been made. No campaign speeches, no pandering to the electorate, no recounts.
More sex. Catholics, as we all know, have more babies, and so, you know, that means only one thing -- more sex! Sorry, but in the Catholic Church you can’t get the babies without the sex. And who couldn’t use a little extra sex these days? I’m telling you, let those Protestant Orangemen know they’re going to be getting some, and watch how fast they end those silly parades.
More days off. The Catholic church has six official Holy Days. In countries where the majority of citizens practice Catholicism, these are fully paid days off from work and schooldays off for the kids. Can you name one Protestant Holy Day -- not counting the day the Eddie Bauer Christmas catalog comes out? I didn’t think so.
Free alcohol. You go to Mass every day, you get a free drink of wine. True, you must accept that you’re drinking the Blood of Christ, but hey, you can do that! How many times have you told people the gin and tonic you are nursing is "just water"? Have a little faith!
Catholic girls. See above.
A guaranteed spot in Heaven at the right hand of God Himself! It’s all there in the Bible -- Jesus made Peter the head of the Church, and then he made it clear that only members of the "one true Catholic Church" get past the velvet rope at the pearly gates. So you can continue your allegiance to the Queen and then burn in hell for eternity -- or you can get on the "A list" and enjoy Forever with a first class seat.
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