The Oliphant in the Room

Agent 03 has been able to obtain a copy of the report of the Hon. J.J. Elephant relating to the business and financial dealings between Karlheinz Fiftyseven and the Right Honourable Brian Mullarkey, P.C. (Progressive Conservative):

Whereas Her Excellency the Governor General, on the recommendation of the Prime Minister who desperately desires to distance himself from any association with his Right Honourable P.C. predecessor, has directed the Commission to conduct an inquiry into certain allegations respecting business and financial dealings between Karlheinz Fiftyseven and the Right Honourable Brian Mullarkey, P.C., the Commission now begs to report:

1. It has assessed carefully all the relevant evidence and information relating to the above matters, excluding only that which would be embarrassing to Air Canada, the Conservative Party, the Right Honourable Mr. Mullarkey, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Farce or any other parties which might be shown to be corrupt or incompetent or both.

2. It has questioned (in private, if necessary) all those involved, excluding of course the Honourable Frank Magazine and Roger Doucet (no relation), who had unfortunately passed away in the twenty-odd years between the events and the time of this enquiry.

3. It believes without reservation the sworn testimony of the Right Honourable Mr. Mullarkey (whose regard for the truth has been well known for lo these many years), especially the part where he swears that he never in his life did anything wrong.

4. It concludes that, while certain mistakes and errors in judgment may have been made, no one was really to blame for anything, in any real way.

5. Further, the commission concludes that there is no compelling reason (other than the moral imperative) why Mr. Mullarkey ought to return to the taxpayers of Canada any of the millions of dollars he received in settlement of a previous court action, or to return to Mr. Fiftyseven any of the hundreds of thousands of dollars he received for services in promoting the sale of arms to hostile foreign governments;

6. Nor should Mr. Mullarkey's counsel, nor any of m'learned friends whose bank accounts have been fattened at public expense return any of the exorbitant fees they have received for sitting quietly and laughing politely at Mr. Mullarkey's little jokes.

7. The Commission recommends that the beatification of the Right Honourable Mr. Mullarkey proceed as quickly as possible, and expresses the hope that the Government of Canada will shortly allocate stimulus funds for the construction in his honour of a church at Meech Lake.

8. Er...that's all. (Steve, is this enough?)

Signed,
"J.J. Elephant"

Note: The Commission would like to express its thanks to Air Canada for courteously transporting him (first class) to Ottawa and back on board its lovely Airbus, at no cost except possibly to the public.