BOLO for this inappropriately dressed thief

As a public service to residents of the so-called Greater Toronto Area, Walt presents this bulletin from the Toronto Police Service.

The Toronto Police Service is requesting the public’s assistance identifying a suspect wanted in a Robbery Investigation. 

On Wednesday, March 19, 2025, at approximately 9:10 p.m., Police responded to a call for a Robbery in the Dundas Street West and Bay Street area. It is reported that: the suspect entered a store and selected multiple items and left the basket at the front of the store a store employee picked up the basket at which time, the suspect began physically assaulting two employees to get the basket back. The suspect then sprayed the store employees with an unknown substance the suspect then fled the scene on foot with the stolen property. 

The suspect is described as being in her 20s, with a slim build, black straight hair with front bangs. She was wearing a black zip up hoodie, blue and white pajama pants, and white shoes. [The outside temperature was just below the freezing point. Ed.]

Anyone with information is asked to contact police at 416-808-5200, Crime Stoppers anonymously at 416-222-TITS (8477), or at www.222tips.com.

2024 Wally Awards: Stupidest Criminal of the Year

Rather than do a lengthy yearend review of stuff you already know and will read about elsewhere, we've decided to just hand out the coveted Wallies, without further ado. The Wally for Stupidest Criminal is not selected by a jury, as we simply have too many entries to judge, so we just pick the most recent submission. This one came in over the weekend from the Hamilton (ON) police service. We have edited their press release slightly.

On December 18, 2024 at 12:30 p.m. Hamilton Police responded to the Bank of Montreal located at 375 Upper Paradise Road [See? I told you it exists. Ed.] for a robbery. Investigators learned a lone, male suspect arrived at the financial institution on a bicycle, leaving the bike outside by the building.

Entering the bank, the suspect approached a bank teller, passed a note demanding cash and verbally threatened the employee while motioning they were [read: "he was". Ed.] in possession of a weapon. [Read: Suspect said he had a gun. Ed.] The suspect was confronted by other employees in the bank and the suspect fled empty handed. 

Upon exiting BMO bank, the suspect returned to his bicycle location only to discover a fellow delinquent had stolen his bike. The dazed and confused male then kicked their legs in high gear and escaped north on Upper Paradise Road on foot. The suspect was last seen near Upper Paradise Road and Elmwood Avenue. 

The robbery suspect is described as the following: Male White 5'4"-5'8" in height [Of course "height". What else would the numbers refer to? Ed.] Wearing a long, multi-coloured scarf, black sunglasses, blue surgical mask, black jacket with fur trim, black gloves, dark pants, white shoes.

The bike thief is described as the following: Male Wearing all black.

Investigators are asking area residents to check their residential cameras and their dash cameras during the time of this incident. 

Walt is not so churlish as to suggest that the appeal in the last paragraph is needed because the Hamilton cops couldn't find a blackberry in a saucer of milk, let alone a man wearing a long, multi-coloured scarf and black sunglasses walking along a busy city street during the lunch hour.

The heistmeister wannabe gets the Wally for Stupidest Criminal for a) wearing a highly recognizable scarf his mother made for him, and b) falling for the greenscam that says riding a bike is better for the environment than driving a getaway car.

Note from Ed.: I couldn't resist the interpolations above. I am sick, sore and tired of "official English", as practised by "law enforcement personnel", not to mention the woke use of the plural pronoun when "he" or "she" is obvious. "They" should only refer to a SNL "Pat".

True (stupid!) crime stories

Kind of a slow news day yesterday. Canadian Prime Minister Blackie McBlackface followed President Brandon's lead ["leash", shurely. Ed.] by saying Canada would join the "diplomatic boycott" of the upcoming Beijing Olympics. Meaningless virtue-signalling is what liberal democrats are good at. Do the Chinese give a 粪? Not so's you'd notice....

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. My topic for today is the stupidity of the "reparations shopping" now forcing businesses in Democrat-controlled cities across the Paranoid States of America to board up their windows. If I were Neiman-Marcus [You wish! Ed.], I'd close all my brick-and-mortar shops and allow people to buy my over-priced junk only online. If the department stores, electronics stores, clothing stores, liquor stores, etc all did that, certain "communities" would be left with nothing to loot but grocery stores.

Senseless and stupid crime does not pay, as witness these True Stories, taken from the "Crime Report" in the August 1987 issue of National Lampoon. 

A man was charged with robeery after passing an Orlando FL bank teller a stickup note written on the back of his own probation-parole card.

Another man held up the First Insterstate Bank in Tucson AZ with a note written on the back of his own pay stub. [He was employed?! Ed.]

A sixteen-year-old Marvin, of Rochester NY, was arrested after his report card was found at the site of a burglary. "His marks weren't too good either," said a police spokesthingy.

A Mount Pleasant SC man called police and claimed he had placed bombs thoughout the Charleston and Columbia airport terminals. He demanded that two million dollars be placed in his bank account, and supplied police with the name of the bank and the account number.

Police in Fulton County GA [site of a hyuge fraud in November 2020. Ed.] said an Atlanta man entered a bank there and handed the teller a note demanding a bag of money. He was arrested after he left the bank, walked across the street to a Starvin' Marvin and bought a beer.

San Mateo CA cops arrested a man for the theft of a 400-lb. safe from a hotel less than a block from his home. They followed the gouge marks he left in the concrte as he dragged the safe home.

And in Utah, when police arrested a man suspected of breaking a 7-11 window, he denied it. But when he was told a clerk had seen him, he remarked, "No-one saw me. I waited until there wewre no customers in the store."

Got time for one more? After robbing assistant restaurant manager Janice Head at knifepoint and taking her pocketbook, the assailant called to ask her out. Nashville TN police arrested him when he showed up for his date.

[Do you suppose that the victim, before she became assistant manager of the restaurant, was the Head waitress? Ed.]

The "All-New Super-Colossal True Facts Section" of the August 1987 National Lampoon has hundreds of rib-tickling stories like this, proving once again that truth is funnier than fiction. Our sponsor has one (1) copy for sale here.

Further reading: "Mayor Lori Lightfoot Blames Chicago Retailers for Not Fighting Crime", by John Nolte, Breitbart News, 9/12/21. True crime story! Excerpt: "...the retail smash-and-grab epidemic is not the fault of the Democrats who run Chicago’s government as an unopposed monopoly. Instead, it is retailers’ fault, so they must now 1) create a private police force, 2) lock up all their merchandise, and 3) stop attracting crime with all their fancy merchandise."

Dumb criminals story: Woman foils gas bar robbery by giving head

What's going on in the stock markets this week? As an investor who sticks mainly to value stocks -- I'm a yield hog! -- I still find the gyrations of the tech and pot sector fascinating, and worry that their ups and downs will affect other sectors. And then there's the Biden Green(ish) Plan, playing havoc with the energy sector, particularly Canadian oil and pipeline stocks. Thanks Joe, and up yours! And then there's Gamestop. Whoda thunk a bunch of "real people" could cause the big swining dicks of Wall Street to lose billions? Not being a BSD, I love it! 

But I digest. Agent 9, who watches the Big Board even more closely, figures we need some comedy relief, so has passed along a story from Canada's Sun newspapers, for our "stupid criminals" file. 

A woman in Bratislava, Slovakia walked into a gas station last Tuesday night and noticed a robbery in progress. According to Slovakian media outlet Noviny SK, a 24-year-old man entered the gas station and allegedly threatened to kill employees if they didn’t empty the cash register. 

An employee reportedly handed the robber the money. The robber wasn't satisfied, and punched the staff member several times. The employee then ran into a back room where a coworker was hiding, and called the police.

The police say the suspect then entered the back room and tried to get more money from the store’s safe. The second employee bolted. The woman, wanting to thwart the robbery in progress, reportedly went up to the suspect and distracted him by performing oral sex on him until cops came. [Only the cops came? Ed.]

The police found the couple lying half-naked on the floor. When the woman reportedly telling them “I don't take him anymore," the cops slapped the cuffs on him. In the end, while the woman got a mouthful (maybe), the robber got neither money nor oral sex, only a jail cell.

Footnote: Noviny SK reported the unnamed woman was believed to be aged 36 and of Czech nationality. Walt wonders what made them think that. Slovaks and Czechs speak slightly different languages, but did the woman speak with her mouth full? Just askin'.