True (stupid!) crime stories

Kind of a slow news day yesterday. Canadian Prime Minister Blackie McBlackface followed President Brandon's lead ["leash", shurely. Ed.] by saying Canada would join the "diplomatic boycott" of the upcoming Beijing Olympics. Meaningless virtue-signalling is what liberal democrats are good at. Do the Chinese give a 粪? Not so's you'd notice....

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. My topic for today is the stupidity of the "reparations shopping" now forcing businesses in Democrat-controlled cities across the Paranoid States of America to board up their windows. If I were Neiman-Marcus [You wish! Ed.], I'd close all my brick-and-mortar shops and allow people to buy my over-priced junk only online. If the department stores, electronics stores, clothing stores, liquor stores, etc all did that, certain "communities" would be left with nothing to loot but grocery stores.

Senseless and stupid crime does not pay, as witness these True Stories, taken from the "Crime Report" in the August 1987 issue of National Lampoon. 

A man was charged with robeery after passing an Orlando FL bank teller a stickup note written on the back of his own probation-parole card.

Another man held up the First Insterstate Bank in Tucson AZ with a note written on the back of his own pay stub. [He was employed?! Ed.]

A sixteen-year-old Marvin, of Rochester NY, was arrested after his report card was found at the site of a burglary. "His marks weren't too good either," said a police spokesthingy.

A Mount Pleasant SC man called police and claimed he had placed bombs thoughout the Charleston and Columbia airport terminals. He demanded that two million dollars be placed in his bank account, and supplied police with the name of the bank and the account number.

Police in Fulton County GA [site of a hyuge fraud in November 2020. Ed.] said an Atlanta man entered a bank there and handed the teller a note demanding a bag of money. He was arrested after he left the bank, walked across the street to a Starvin' Marvin and bought a beer.

San Mateo CA cops arrested a man for the theft of a 400-lb. safe from a hotel less than a block from his home. They followed the gouge marks he left in the concrte as he dragged the safe home.

And in Utah, when police arrested a man suspected of breaking a 7-11 window, he denied it. But when he was told a clerk had seen him, he remarked, "No-one saw me. I waited until there wewre no customers in the store."

Got time for one more? After robbing assistant restaurant manager Janice Head at knifepoint and taking her pocketbook, the assailant called to ask her out. Nashville TN police arrested him when he showed up for his date.

[Do you suppose that the victim, before she became assistant manager of the restaurant, was the Head waitress? Ed.]

The "All-New Super-Colossal True Facts Section" of the August 1987 National Lampoon has hundreds of rib-tickling stories like this, proving once again that truth is funnier than fiction. Our sponsor has one (1) copy for sale here.

Further reading: "Mayor Lori Lightfoot Blames Chicago Retailers for Not Fighting Crime", by John Nolte, Breitbart News, 9/12/21. True crime story! Excerpt: "...the retail smash-and-grab epidemic is not the fault of the Democrats who run Chicago’s government as an unopposed monopoly. Instead, it is retailers’ fault, so they must now 1) create a private police force, 2) lock up all their merchandise, and 3) stop attracting crime with all their fancy merchandise."