All I want for Christmas... (v. 2)

Have you got your very own variegated monstera yet? No home is complete without one, this Christmas! With everyone working from home, Zooming here and there, and having virtual get-togethers with friends and relatives, it's become de rigueur to have one of these beautiful tropical houseplants in the background, for that clean, minimalist interior aesthetic.

The variegated monstera, a house plant with a rare genetic mutation, has captured the hearts of green thumbs in the toney parts of cities -- the areas where you don't have wear a bullet-proof vest and step over piles of human shit -- across North America. 

Variegated monsteras have a broad, frilly green leaf that can be streaked or splotched with white patches. Because the distinctive white bands or spots are the result of a mutation causing an absence of chlorophyll in those regions, the most sought-after monsteras are fragile, and cannot be cultivated from seed. Instead, they are carefully propagated by taking cuttings from existing monsteras. 

Even a few leaves cut from a healthy plant are fetching hundreds, and large ones like this are selling on Etsy and other sites catering to "social media influencers" for 1000s (plural) of dollars. Seriously! I checked.

Students of social history will know that just under four centuries ago, the same thing happened in Europe. In the 1630s, a craze for tulips swept the Netherlands and spread like Covid to the rest of the continent. Though traders had introduced the colourful Turkish flowers to the Dutch public the century before, a mania for certain special colours and varieties took hold in 1634. Demand from neighbouring countries, especially France [Surprisesd? Ed.] then grew. Speculators entered the market, causing prices to skyrocket until they dramatically collapsed a mere three years after the craze had begun.

Sadly, with only four days left until Christmas, Walt's cabin in the pines is incomplete. I do not have a variegated monstera. Readers are invited to send cuttings or entire plants to the usual address. When I resell them after Christmas (but before the market crashes), I'll split the profits with you. That's a Brandon promise!