2024 Wally Awards: Stupidest Criminal of the Year

Rather than do a lengthy yearend review of stuff you already know and will read about elsewhere, we've decided to just hand out the coveted Wallies, without further ado. The Wally for Stupidest Criminal is not selected by a jury, as we simply have too many entries to judge, so we just pick the most recent submission. This one came in over the weekend from the Hamilton (ON) police service. We have edited their press release slightly.

On December 18, 2024 at 12:30 p.m. Hamilton Police responded to the Bank of Montreal located at 375 Upper Paradise Road [See? I told you it exists. Ed.] for a robbery. Investigators learned a lone, male suspect arrived at the financial institution on a bicycle, leaving the bike outside by the building.

Entering the bank, the suspect approached a bank teller, passed a note demanding cash and verbally threatened the employee while motioning they were [read: "he was". Ed.] in possession of a weapon. [Read: Suspect said he had a gun. Ed.] The suspect was confronted by other employees in the bank and the suspect fled empty handed. 

Upon exiting BMO bank, the suspect returned to his bicycle location only to discover a fellow delinquent had stolen his bike. The dazed and confused male then kicked their legs in high gear and escaped north on Upper Paradise Road on foot. The suspect was last seen near Upper Paradise Road and Elmwood Avenue. 

The robbery suspect is described as the following: Male White 5'4"-5'8" in height [Of course "height". What else would the numbers refer to? Ed.] Wearing a long, multi-coloured scarf, black sunglasses, blue surgical mask, black jacket with fur trim, black gloves, dark pants, white shoes.

The bike thief is described as the following: Male Wearing all black.

Investigators are asking area residents to check their residential cameras and their dash cameras during the time of this incident. 

Walt is not so churlish as to suggest that the appeal in the last paragraph is needed because the Hamilton cops couldn't find a blackberry in a saucer of milk, let alone a man wearing a long, multi-coloured scarf and black sunglasses walking along a busy city street during the lunch hour.

The heistmeister wannabe gets the Wally for Stupidest Criminal for a) wearing a highly recognizable scarf his mother made for him, and b) falling for the greenscam that says riding a bike is better for the environment than driving a getaway car.

Note from Ed.: I couldn't resist the interpolations above. I am sick, sore and tired of "official English", as practised by "law enforcement personnel", not to mention the woke use of the plural pronoun when "he" or "she" is obvious. "They" should only refer to a SNL "Pat".