Would you drink a beer called "Pubic Hair"?

Step right up, folks, and get an ice cold can of "the perfect summer beer, light body with a subtle citrus flavour from the New Zealand Hops! Find one in the wild or in Alberta's liquor stores and pubs"

So says Hell's Basement Brewery, out of Medicine Hat AB [Seriously. Look it up. Ed.], which launched Huruhuru (the Feather) New Zealand Hopped Pale Ale two years ago. Two years. That's how long it took for word to filter back to Canuckistan that "huruhuru" actually means pubic hair in te reo, the language spoken by the Maori people of New Zealand.

A Facebooker named Te Hamua Nikora, who is Maori, this week called out the brewery and a leathercraft shop in New Zealand for both using the word. "What's the first thing most Maori think when they hear the word 'huruhuru'?" asked Mr Nikora in his FB video. "It was brought to my attention a few days ago that there is a new shop in Wellington...and it's called Huruhuru Authentic Leather."

He said he sent the shop a Facebook message to ask what they thought the word meant. He said they responded that they found it in a dictionary as a word for "feather". "When the Maori look at the name of your store, they're not going to see 'feather' or soft leather," he said, "they're going to see 'pubes'."

The FB post quickly came to the attention of Mike Patriquin, founder and general manager of Hell's Basement Brewery, who responded with a stereotypically Canadian fulsime apology. "The interpretation was intended as 'feather' – meaning the beer itself is light as a feather and this is also stated in the name," said Mike in an e-mailed statement.

"We acknowledge that we did not consider the commonplace use of the term 'huruhuru' as a reference to pubic hair, and that consultation with a Maori representative would have been a better reference than online dictionaries. We wish to make especially clear that it was not our intent to infringe upon, appropriate, or offend the Maori culture or people in any way; to those who feel disrespected, we apologize."

Huruhuru IPA is to be rebranded. Names are being checked carefully with the PC police, and "AB0" (AB for Alberta and 0 as in "zero") has already been rejected.

Note from Ed.: Walt has returned.

VIDEO: Alleged Native American videos self drinking beer

I complained on Saturday that my blood hadn't risen to a boil in the last few days. Well, the temperature has started to go up, but so far that's more the result of amusement than anger, for I just watched what must surely be the phoniest video of the new year. Here it is.



Yes, folks, it's Fauxcahontas, aka Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), proving that she's just a regular guy -- about as much "guy" as she is Indian -- slopping down a bottle of suds [Well, we only see her swallow a mouthful. Ed.] in her average American kitchen, where she is joined by her average American (non-Indian) husband. This proves they're not members of the east coast elite, you see -- just normal folks like us hinterland-dwellers.

But really, doesn't everyone know that ladies don't drink beer? And that Native Americans often have an extremely low tolerance to alcohol? [Alcohol? In American beer? Ed.] I'm going to run out and register the trade name "Fauxcahontas beer", because that brand is sure to be even more as popular than Billy Beer -- remember? -- when Liz becomes Prez.

Budweiser to market something even worse than Bud Light

IMHO, one of the worst products ever exported by the Excited States of America to the rest of the world is Budweiser "beer". I put the word "beer" in quotation marks because any resemblance between Budweiser and proper, tasty, alcoholic beer is purely a matter of nomenclature. If they didn't call Budweiser "beer", how would you know what it was supposed to be?

Some years ago, as an experiment, I sent a container of Budweiser -- sans label or other identification -- to the FDA for testing. Some days later I received this reply:
"Dear Mr. Whiteman, Your horse has diabetes."

And that was just the regular, "full-strength" Budweiser. Don't get me started on "Bud Light"! Well OK, now that you got me started... Why is Bud Light like a couple making love in a canoe? Because they're both fucking near water! [That's positively ancient! Ed.]

Now, believe it or not, the marketing geniuses at Anheuser-Busch InBev -- Bud's parent company -- have come up with something even worse than Bud Light. It's called "Prohibition Brew", and its alcohol content is not 5%, not 4%, not 3.2%, but... believe it or not... 0%. Zero percent! Not a drop of alcohol in it. Which is why they can't call it "beer".

Who would drink this piss? Believe it or not (again), the target market is... wait for it... Canadians! Kyle Norrington, VP of marketing for Labatt's (which owns the Bud brand in Canada) thinks there's a big opportunity in a country known to be full of beer-loving hosers. He points to Germany, home of Oktoberfest, as a country where beer lovers appear to have embraced alcohol-free alternatives. According to market research, in 2013, almost 50% of German consumers bought an alcohol-free beer. [How many times? More than once? Ed.]

Mr. Norrington told AP that Canadians have likewise increasingly guzzled low- and non-alcoholic beverages in recent years, and Labatt is counting on that to continue. They already sell several other "non-alcoholic beers" in Canada, but the launch of Prohibition Brew next week will mark the first under the Budweiser brand name. This product, Mr. Norrington said, is for those who enjoy the taste of beer without the buzz. How many such wusses exist in Canada remains to be seen.

Questions from Ed.: Is Kyle Norrington a Canadian or, like his beer, an import from south of the border? And where does he drink his alleged brew? At some cute little pub on Toronto's Church Street? Just askin'...

VIDEO: What's in your beer fridge?

One of these is a real beer commercial. The other is a spoof from This Hour Has 22 Minutes. You figure out which is which. Sound up.





Thanks and a tip of the toque to Agent 71, who doesn't need a beer fridge. All he has to do is throw a square into the snowbank outside the back door!

10 Canadianisms that baffle Merkans and other non-English speakers

Back in September, we did a piece on Canadian English -- "Puck off, eh, hoser!" -- which a number of readers found both helpful and entertaining. In the spirit of enlightenment for which WWW is famous, we return to that theme. This is a service to those Floridians (and other Americans) about to be visited by Canucks, or folks from south of the border planning a trek into the Great Not-so-white North.

Walt is inspired and informed by "55 Canadianisms You May Not Know or Are Using Differently", an article written by Jules Sherred for the GeekMom website. Talking to Americans, Ms Sherred found them often "baffled" over what she calls her "Canadian English".

So she did a survey of 175 people from the USA, Canada, and other Commonwealth countries to find out how familiar they were with certain terms heard commonly in Canada, but not so commonly elsewhere. She came up with a list of 55 Canadianisms. Poor Len has contributed explanations and comments on ten of them. We begin with...

Yes, Michelle, it's a tuque, and a nice one too, bearing the logo of the most successful professional sports team of all time...anywhere! Americans might call this a wool hat, or a ski cap, or a knitted cap. People in Britain or Australia haven't a clue. For more on the tuque (or toque or touque) see "Hey hosers - what do you call that cap on your head?", from CBCNews.

You can bet that 1000s of people in Toronto are wearing tuques this week, even in the house. That's because they are without hydro. (And it's not Rob Ford's fault!) "Hydro" is short for hydro-electric power. In many Canadian provinces, hydro is the chief source of light and heat. And many providers of "electricity" (as it's called elsewhere) use the word "hydro" in their names: Manitoba Hydro, Newfoundland and Labrador Hydro, and BC Hydro. In Ontario, the main provider is called Hydro None.

Homo milk -- milk from transgendered cows marketed to members of the LGBT community. OK, just kidding. The term is actually short for "homogenized milk" -- milk with 3.25% butterfat. Calling homo milk "homogenized milk" isn't strictly accurate, since most of the milk sold in supermarkets and elsewhere is homogenized, regardless of its fat content.

Those who prefer beverages stronger than milk should learn about mickeys, two-fours and twenty-sixers. In the USA, a "mickey" might be a short form for "Mickey Finn", a drink laced with chloral hydrate or some other stupefying agent. [How old are you? That term was last used 90 years ago! Ed.] In Canada it refers to a 12-ounce bottle of liquor, sometimes curved to fit in one's back pocket -- a "hip flask".

A "two-four" is a case -- sometimes known as a "square" or a "flat" -- of 24 bottles (not cans) of beer. And we mean real Canadian beer, not the American stuff that's like a couple having sex in a canoe. A "twenty-sixer" is a 26-ounce bottle of liquor. The term is still used, even though the bottle actually contains only 24 ounces (or 750 ml), roughly the equivalent of an American "quart", which of course is what it's called in the US of A.

Hey... what do you call that thing along the edge of your roof, where the ice is building up on top of the leaves you didn't clean out in the fall? Americans and people living in Commonwealth countries generally refer to is as a "gutter". Canadians call it an "eavestrough", and Ms Sherred says the term is virtually unknown in any other country.

What do you put in your coffee or tea [Wozzat? Ed.] if you don't have (or are allergic to) milk or cream? Americans might use "creamer" or "non-dairy whitener", the same stuff Canadians call simply "whitener" -- any powder or liquid used to whiten coffee of tea [Wozzat? Ed.]

You could also stir it into your kid's pablum. Purists (and IP lawyers) would like that to be spelled with a capital P, as it is a trademarked name. But, I hear you ask, what is it? Pablum is a processed cereal for infants originally marketed by the Mead Johnson Company in 1931. It was developed by genuine hosers at Toronto's famous Hospital for Sick Children. Nowadays it's a Heinz product, in spite of which the word must be regarded as 100% Canadian!

Ms Sherred says the word really stumped non-Canucks, with suggested alternatives ranging from "infant cereal" and "Gerber" through "baby food" and -- in Commonwealth countries -- "rusk". [Wozzat? Ed.]

Finally -- and still on the subject of food -- we have "all-dressed", a phrase which can be applied to pizza, potato chips (not crisps!), hamburgers or hotdogs. Whatever you're having "all-dressed" comes with all the trimmings -- the works... everything... Ms Sherred says all-dressed chips are "as Canadian as poutine and maple syrup".

Footnote: Domino's and Boston Pizza, which sell takeout pizza on both sides of the World's Longest Lightly-defended Border, report that Americans, on average, ask for only one topping (other than tomato and cheese) on their pizzas. Canadians get three.

Another footnote: Mickey D's is now marketing poutine, but only in Canada. Walt finds this hard to understand, since a bowl of fries, cheese curd and gravy should be a terrific seller in the USA.

Canada and America - a comparison in song

Well, we've had quite a week... Canada Day on the 1st, the Glorious Fourth on the 4th [Duh! Ed.], and a bit of sniping across the border by Montréal mayoral candidate Michel Brûlé. Walt [and Ed.!] hope that readers don't think that all Canadians regard Americans as "big, obese, imbecilic, ignorant, uncultured dummies".

Perish the thought! Most Canucks quite like their southern neighbours. It's just that they (the Canucks) feel obliged to point out (especially in July) that there is a difference between the two countries. Thanks to Agent 6, we are able to bring you a comparison in song.



Which country is better? The view from the top of the Peace Arch is kind of hazy...