Budweiser to market something even worse than Bud Light

IMHO, one of the worst products ever exported by the Excited States of America to the rest of the world is Budweiser "beer". I put the word "beer" in quotation marks because any resemblance between Budweiser and proper, tasty, alcoholic beer is purely a matter of nomenclature. If they didn't call Budweiser "beer", how would you know what it was supposed to be?

Some years ago, as an experiment, I sent a container of Budweiser -- sans label or other identification -- to the FDA for testing. Some days later I received this reply:
"Dear Mr. Whiteman, Your horse has diabetes."

And that was just the regular, "full-strength" Budweiser. Don't get me started on "Bud Light"! Well OK, now that you got me started... Why is Bud Light like a couple making love in a canoe? Because they're both fucking near water! [That's positively ancient! Ed.]

Now, believe it or not, the marketing geniuses at Anheuser-Busch InBev -- Bud's parent company -- have come up with something even worse than Bud Light. It's called "Prohibition Brew", and its alcohol content is not 5%, not 4%, not 3.2%, but... believe it or not... 0%. Zero percent! Not a drop of alcohol in it. Which is why they can't call it "beer".

Who would drink this piss? Believe it or not (again), the target market is... wait for it... Canadians! Kyle Norrington, VP of marketing for Labatt's (which owns the Bud brand in Canada) thinks there's a big opportunity in a country known to be full of beer-loving hosers. He points to Germany, home of Oktoberfest, as a country where beer lovers appear to have embraced alcohol-free alternatives. According to market research, in 2013, almost 50% of German consumers bought an alcohol-free beer. [How many times? More than once? Ed.]

Mr. Norrington told AP that Canadians have likewise increasingly guzzled low- and non-alcoholic beverages in recent years, and Labatt is counting on that to continue. They already sell several other "non-alcoholic beers" in Canada, but the launch of Prohibition Brew next week will mark the first under the Budweiser brand name. This product, Mr. Norrington said, is for those who enjoy the taste of beer without the buzz. How many such wusses exist in Canada remains to be seen.

Questions from Ed.: Is Kyle Norrington a Canadian or, like his beer, an import from south of the border? And where does he drink his alleged brew? At some cute little pub on Toronto's Church Street? Just askin'...

"Hockey Night in Canada" -- errr, not so much any more

Poor Len Canayen here. [What? Still?! Ed.] The sun is setting. Night is falling. Soon it will be Saturday night -- Hockey Night in Canada.

Notice from Rogers, Bell TV and the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. Some restrictions apply!

Due to a sweetheart deal between Rogers and the National Hockey League (G. Bettman, prop.), Hockey Night in Canada will no longer be offering games featuring Canada's team -- the Montréal Canadiens -- every Saturday as it did for the last century. Instead, the Canadian content will be provided by the Toronto Maple Laffs. Viewers who wish to see a real team are welcome to subscribe to NHL Centre Ice, at a modest extra charge. Call Rogers or Bell for details, and have your platinum credit card ready.

But never fear. HNIC is committed, as always, to viewer choice...as long as the viewer makes the same choice as Mr. Bitchman. There is a second game available on Rogers/Bell's basic service. Tonight, if you don't want to watch Toronto lose, you can watch Team Crosby (aka the Pittsburgh Penguins) play the Brooklyn Islanders. [That happens next year! Ed.] Some choice.

It makes my bleu-blanc-et-rouge blood boil. I have a good mind to write to someone, but I don't know who. Obviously G. Bettman doesn't give two shits for what the fans want, only for whatever brings in the most revenue. How could a New York Jewish lawyer think like that?!