ZANU-PF wins 187th straight Zimbabwe election

Q. When to the Chinese have their elections? A. Just before bleakfast!

Q. When do Zimbabweans have their elections? A. Elections? Wozzat?

Walt's agent in Ha-ha-harare, the fun capital of Africa, sends word that the results of today's presidential election have been announced, to save voters the bother of standing in line to cast their ballots, as well as the embarrassment of being seen by army poll watchers voting for the wrong party.

And the winner is... (drum roll, please)... Comrade Emerson (aka "ED") [no relation. Ed.] Mnangagwa, seen here having a friendly chat with an unnamed mentor.

Mr Mnangagwa's ZANU-PF party (aka the Perpetual Governing Party) received 98% of the vote. The opposition Vasina Tariro received 1%. The bodies of the remaining 1% of the voters have not yet been found.

In Harare for today's festivities was "Doctor" Jill Biden, the wife of... errr... I forget. She is seen here being welcomed by Auxillia Mnangawa, ED's wife, who is understood to have passed along some advice for the Democrats on how to certain of re-election, no matter what (aka Hunter). 

Mrs Mnangagwa should know. Her husband's party has been in power continuously since Zimbabwe won its independence from the evil Rhodesians in 1980. 

True fact: Some years ago, Walt auditioned for a job reading the news on ZBC (the Zimbabwe state broadcaster), but stumbled over ED's name and wasn't hired. Being a white murungu (foreigner) didn't help either!

Government minister cuts ribbon to open new public toilet

We've all heard stories of politicians so hungry for voters' approval (and votes) that they would open a two-hole shithouse, if asked. In our western democracies, these stories are exaggerations, of course. Not so in Zimbabwe -- the land of bambazonke -- from whence Walt still receives reports from an agent who wishes to be not just unnamed but unnumbered.

Today he passes along a report that Apolonia Munzverengwi, the Minister of State for Mashonaland East Province, recently commissioned new maintenance equipment at Chikomba Rural District Council offices, and, in the highlight of the ceremonies, cut the ribbon to open a new pay toilet.

Mrs Munzverengwi, who was the guest of honour at the event, urged local authorities to consider the needs of the residents before utilising government devolution funds. She told the assembled throng, "President Mnangagwa initiated the devolution programme to enhance a bottom-up communication process [sic] which ensures that the real problems faced by the people are addressed at local level."

The Chikomba RDC used revenue from ratepayers to construct the pay toilet and purchased a grader and a refuse truck using a government devolution grant. Praising them, the Minister said, "It is important that before utilising the devolution grants from the government, authorities should inquire from the residents how they want the fund to be used. I am happy that Chikomba RDC managed to purchase a refuse truck and a grader, equipment key for efficient service delivery.

"I also applaud the council for being business-minded and construct a pay toilet which will serve the community at the same time generating more revenue for the local authority."

After commissioning the toilet and equipment, Mrs Munzverengwi also toured the various projects being carried out by the council which include construction of schools and clinics. She also had an "interface" [meeting? Ed.] with councillors, heads of government departments and business people. Where the interface took place was not reported.

When it comes to such commissioning ceremonies (read: photo-ops), Zimbabwean politicians, of the ZANU-PF party which has ruled the African shithole since independence from the evil white settlers in 1980, have form. In 2018, since-disgraced Finance and Economic Development Minister Patrick Chinamasa made headlines when he was caught on camera commissioning a garbage bin (read: dumpster) in Rusape. Sadly, no pictures of the event have survived.

Zimbabwe: Bob's not your uncle any more

So, farewell at last, Comrade Robert Gabriel Mugabe, former tinpot dictator of what he turned into a shithole country. "Uncle Bob" (as no-one called him, ever) died early today in Singapore at the age of 95.

Most Zimbabweans would say (in whispers, if not out loud) that his death did not come soon enough to save his country from its precipitous descent into chaos and bankruptcy. Your Obdt Servant laboured in Zimbabwe during the late 1990s, trying to help its businesspeople learn modern, Western management techniques. But they couldn't adopt or adapt the things they learned, because they were stymied at every turn by Comrade Bob's Marxist policies, which turned the once-prosperous Rhodesia into an economic basket case.

"Things will be better once Bob goes," people said. But Bob replied, "Handiende!" It means "I will not go!" And he didn't, ruling the country with the proverbial iron fist from its independence in 1980 until, late in 2017, he was finally deposed by Comrade ED [No relation! Ed.] Mnangagwa (pictured below) in a bloodless coup. Since then, things have gotten no better, proving yet again that there is not one country in Africa who leaders -- black or brown -- are capable of managing an economy.

Instead, they rely on massive injections of foreign aid supplied by us chumps in the West, and latterly the Chinese, who still have a lot to learn about Africa, the land of bambazonke. Incompetence and corruption come naturally to African leaders. When mismanagement and kleptomania become too much for even the Swedes and the Brits to stomach (see "Reform or no support, UK tells ED", Zimbabwe Newsday, 6/9/19), the aid money stops flowing and the people starve.

Comrade Bob, who took power after the perfidious Brits sold out their Rhodesian kith and kin in 1980, said more than once that he wanted to rule for life. In that he was typical of the African "Big Man" syndrome, in which the people of shithole countries acquiesced in one-man rule by the likes of Hastings Banda (Malawi), Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbendu Wa Za Banga (Congo/Zaïre/Congo), Jean-Bédel Bokassa aka Emperor Bokassa I (Central African Republic) and Muammar Mohammed Abu Minyar Gaddafi (Libya - not all the Big Men were black Africans). But growing discontent about his government's maladministrationd a military intervention, impeachment proceedings by the parliament and large street demonstrations for his removal.

The November 2017 announcement of Comrade Mugabe's resignation (after he initially ignored escalating calls to quit, and take his lovely and fragrant wife Grace with him) triggered wild celebrations in the streets of the Ha-ha-harare, the fun capital of Africa. Well into the night, cars honked and people danced and sang in a spectacle of free expression that would have been impossible during his years in power and reflected hopes for a better future. But there has been no change for the povo (= poor people) of Zimbabwe, only more of the same, with an even Bigger Man ruling the roost. Prognosis? Dim and getting dimmer. Don't bother to stay tuned.

Further reading: The picture above was scraped from the Associated Press article "A look at the shattered Zimbabwe that Mugabe left behind", as posted on the CTV News site, 6/9/19. Quote from one of the povo: "Life was not that good [under Mugabe], but it was never this bad."

Zimbabwe parliament a model for Africa... and America ???

Comrade ED (Erectile Dysfunction?) Mnangagwa, President of Zimbabwe, listens attentively as the shithole country's parliament discusses how much foreign aid money (Thank you, America!) to pay its members for rubber-stamping whatever acts of profligacy or repression his kleptocratic "government" puts before them. Here is Zimbabwe Newsday's report of their "debate".

Members of Parliament yesterday arm-twisted Finance minister Mthuli Ncube into raising their budgetary allocation by 44% and demanded the latest 4×4 luxury Toyota Land Cruisers, among other perks, despite the government implementing austerity measures to contain its runaway spending. Parliament bid for $163 million in the 2019 budget, but was allocated $101 million.

Yesterday, MPs from across the political divide threatened that they would not pass Ncube’s 2019 National Budget unless they got things their way. After haggling, the MPs eventually settled for $145 million after they demanded that their welfare be improved to equal that of members of the Executive and the Judiciary. They also want Parliament to be equipped with state-of-the-art gyms, vehicles, computers, and other such luxuries.

In his "Austerity for Prosperity" budget, Ncube sought to cap government borrowing, cut spending on flagship projects as command agriculture, end all quasi-fiscal expenditure and limit borrowing from the central bank to 5% of the prior year’s revenue. He also cut salaries for the President and senior government officials by 5% and will fire the nearly 4000 "youth officers" by year-end. Ncube also cut the amount of bonuses paid to civil servants, but the wage bill is still expected to go up by 5% to $4.05 billion in 2019, constituting 61% of total revenue from 73% this year.

The budget, however, piled the weight of austerity and more taxes on the ordinary citizen, who, in addition to the 2% tax on all electronic transactions, will also pay more in excise duty for fuel and cigarettes, while imports of vehicles and other goods is now levied in foreign currency. After getting their demands met, the MPs ignored the debate on the vote of the Public Service Commission, which takes care of the country’s impoverished civil servants, including teachers and doctors, despite doctors being on strike and teachers threatening one.

Norton MP Temba Mliswa (independent), who was instrumental in canvassing MPs to demand good perks, said, "MPs are handicapped and we are talking of only one car, a Land Cruiser, which is the only car good enough for MPs to do their work because the Mazdas and Toyotas we get are not good enough."

Mliswa said MPs were looked down upon because they did not even have iPads, adding that the $75 per diem was a pittance, and needed to be reviewed. Mliswa said the diet of MPs, where they eat a one course meal with a banana or apple for desert, was not proper as other Parliaments had more savoury desserts like trifles and ice cream. "MPs must have world-class gyms and recreational facilities to play golf. MPs must also be given diplomatic passports," Mliswa said.

Mbizo MP Settlement Chikwinya (MDC Alliance) said Parliament was so underfunded to the extent that it relied on development partners to finance the work of its committees. He added there was need to finance constituency information offices for MPs, and employ more staff in Parliament to assist in research and committee businesses.

Zanu PF's Goodlucky Kwaramba said MPs were impoverished as the Ford Ranger vehicles they were given last time were already broken down. Chegutu West MP Dextor Nduna (Zanu PF) said MPs were given fuel coupons in a humiliating manner. Wedza North MP David Musabayana (Zanu PF) said MPs were the poorer cousins of the Executive and Judiciary, to the extent that they begged for fuel coupons at ministers' offices for resale, as well as soliciting for allowances and gifts from organisations that fund parliamentary trips and committees.

Ncube promised that MPs would comparatively [sic] get their vehicles, but said the agreed model was a Toyota Hilux twin cab vehicle. Ncube said he would also look at the issue of pensions for MPs who have served for a term, and also suggested to increase Parliament's budget from $101 million to $120 million. But Binga North MP Prince Dubeko Sibanda (MDC Alliance) said it was not the duty of the Executive to appropriate finances, but Parliament, also adding legislators were not going to allow the budget to pass if it did not increase Parliament’s vote.

Sibanda said the $163 million that Parliament wanted did not even consider inflation. "If the minister does not allocate Parliament what it requests, then he should have his 2019 budget passed elsewhere," Sibanda said. After the increase, there was jubilation in the House, with MPs from across the political divide hugging Ncube.

And they say [you say! Ed.] Africans are incapable of governing themselves. Ha! Methinks there are lessons there for the Congress of the Excited States of America and for Still-President Donald Trump.

Mr Trump threatens a partial shutdown of government -- maybe not such a bad idea? -- unless the latest spending bill includes money for the much-needed wall to keep out the alien hordes. Yesterday, the House of Representatives voted 217-185 for a version of the bill which includes such funding. On Wednesday the Senate passed a different version, with no "wall money". 

As the honourable senators now consider the House version, they would do well to consider the advice of Prince Dubeko Sibanda. Give the President what he wants, but don't be afraid to demand additional tons of pork for yourselves and your families, friends and supporters! It's not just the African way, but the American way too!

Zimbabwe "con court" upholds election result -- surprised?

On August 2nd, Walt reported that Comrade Emmerson "ED" Mnangagwa (pictured with his crocodile smile) won the presidential election in the banana Republic of Zimbabwe by a slim majority -- 50.8% -- just enough to avoid a run-off election.

The result, attributable to massive vote-rigging and intimidation, was challenged by the major opposition party, the MDC, who moved in the country's Constitutional Court (aptly nicknamed the "Con Court") to set aside the result.

This morning Deutsche Welle reports that the Con Court upheld the results of the election. Encore une surprise, non? Expectations of any change in the ultra-left ruling party's disastrous social and economic policies -- e.g. the land grab that dispossessed hundreds of white farmers, as mentioned below -- should therefore be set aside. Mother Africa Wins Again!

Academic illiteracy, African style

There is such a thing as "Zimbabwean English". You can look it up in the Oxford Companion to the English Language, which I'm sure you keep on your night table for bedtime reading. Or you can take my word for it. During my time in the land of bambazonke, I was often amused by the locutions peculiar to its denizens.

The horrible white racists who settled and ran Zimbabwe in the colonial era -- it was known as Rhodesia in those days -- built lots of schools, with the result that the English literacy rate was one of the highest in sub-Saharan Africa.

Since independence in 1980, standards have slipped considerably. But Zimbabweans still have a great love of sesquipedelian words and grandiose phrases. If you know a lot of big words, they seem to think, you must be educated, and therefore not just fit but entitled to lead the country's institutions.

During the Mugabe era (April 1980 through December 2017) it was customary for businesses, government agencies, and individual public figures to insert huge advertisements in the local press, particularly the state-owned Herald of Truth, congratulating Comrade Bob on everything from his birthday to the opening of a new Blair toilet. To describe the messages which took up pages upon pages of newsprint as fawning would be an understatement. "Adulatory" would be a better word.

Following the (mostly) bloodless coup earlier this month, there is a new dictator in town, but the custom continues. But the quality of the English in the congratulatory ads, and in public speech generally, seems to have declined. Walt's old friend Dr CZ printed this egregious example in his column in today's Financial Gazette.

His Excellency Cde Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa, The Principal, Eng T Madondo, Advisory Council, Management, Staff and Students of Harare Polytechnic joins the nation in congratulating Cde Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa on your appointment as Head of State and Government and Commander of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces. You demonstrated resilience, tenacity and composure as you rose through the echelon and fastigium of presidency. The humility you portrayed revealed the axiologies and phronesis of a leader. Harare polytechnic shares the developmental trajectory you enunciated on your inauguration and is ready to hit the ground running.

I cannot add my "amen" because he can't figure out what the principal of Harare Polytechnic (or whoever wrote this for him) is trying to say. [I'm working on it. Always like to increase my vocabulary! Ed.] So all I can do is encourage Comrade ED (no relation to our Ed.) to take Eng Madondo's words for what they're worth -- about $1.98.

Dr CZ ends his column with some words of wisdom which I will copy here, since it seems to me their application is not restricted to the Dark Continent.
The African education system has many surprising outcomes. The smartest students pass with first class marks and get admission to medical and engineering schools. The second class students get MBAs and LLBs to manage the first class students. The third class students enter politics, and rule both first and second class students. The failures join the army and control politicians who, if they are not happy with, they kick or kill. Best of all, those who did not attend any school, become prophets and witch doctors, and everybody follows them!

UPDATED: Zimbabwe braces for military coup to oust Mugabes

Assiduous readers of WWW will know that Walt has a keen interest in Zimbabwe, that failing state in the southern part of the Dark Continent where he lurked [worked, surely! Ed.] in the last decade of the 20th century. Walt got out just before the country's currency tanked completely, but still follows the news from the land of bambazonke. (If you ever lived there, you'll know what that means.)

The present state of play is that the Mugabe's rule, as has been the case since independence in 1980. Comrade Robert Gabriel Mugabe, on the right in the picture, started out as Prime Minister, then became President as well, and later decided the country didn't need a prime minister anyway. He is now said to be wondering if there's any point in having himself declared Emperor. Perhaps President-for-Life would be enough, doing away with the need to rig elections every five years or so.

Pictured on the left, at Bob's right hand, is his second wife, DisGrace [just "Grace", surely! Ed.], with whom he was having an affair as his first wife lay dying of kidney failure. He eventually made her "Mrs Mugabe", going so far as to have the wedding blessed by the toadying Archbishop of Harare. But so far he has been unable to put her into any high office, other than the purely ceremonial one of "First Lady". Even that entitles her to a diplomatic passport, it seems, which has been enough to save her from arrest for assault in both London and Johannesburg.

Still, Grace aspires to a loftier position, perhaps that of President, once her husband, going on 94, dies of lead poisoning or other causes. Her path to the presidential throne became clearer last week, when Comrade Bob unceremoniously dumped his senior Vice-President, a veteran of the "liberation wars" named Emerson Mnangagwa. (Try and say that three times, quick!) It is expected that Zimbabwe's Shopper-in-Chief will be appointed to fill the vacancy at the ruling ZANU-PF party congress in December. That would set her up to be President, in the event that -- God forbid -- anything happens to her husband.

The fly in the ointment is that the Zimbabwean National Army (ZNA) is not fond of the lovely Grace, but loyal to Comrade Mnangagwa. Yesterday, ZNA commander Constantino Chiwenga issued an unprecedented statement saying purges against senior ruling party officials linked to the 1970s liberation war should end "forthwith". "We must remind those behind the current treacherous shenanigans that when it comes to matters of protecting our revolution," the army chief said, "the military will not hesitate to step in."

The military statement was not reported on by the state-run broadcaster. Government spokesman Simon Khaya Moyo said only the president could respond, but Comrade Bob did not comment. The state-run broadcaster did not report on the statement. But this morning, AP reports, three armoured personnel carriers full of soldiers were seen in a convoy on a road heading toward an army barracks just outside Harare, Zimbabwe's capital city.

No army spokesman was immediately available for comment today. The Zimbabwe Broadcasting Corporation, the state broadcaster, was operating as usual, and the capital remained calm... waiting with bated breath, no doubt.

UPDATE ADDED 1145 14/11/17: AP reports that this evening (local time) ZANU-PF has issued a statement accusing the ZNA commander of "treasonable conduct" for his threat to have the military step in. The statement said the unprecedented comments made yesterday Gen. Constantino Chiwenga were "clearly calculated to disturb national peace and stability" and were "meant to incite insurrection." Insurrection, izzit? Zimbabweans are waiting. In fact they've been waiting for decades!

Further reading about Mugabe's Zimbabwe on WWW: "Is Zimbabwe's Comrade Bob Mugabe dead or just sleeping?", WWW 3/3/17; "Zimbabwean dictator appointed to, then removed from WHO post", WWW 22/10/17.