ZANU-PF wins 187th straight Zimbabwe election

Q. When to the Chinese have their elections? A. Just before bleakfast!

Q. When do Zimbabweans have their elections? A. Elections? Wozzat?

Walt's agent in Ha-ha-harare, the fun capital of Africa, sends word that the results of today's presidential election have been announced, to save voters the bother of standing in line to cast their ballots, as well as the embarrassment of being seen by army poll watchers voting for the wrong party.

And the winner is... (drum roll, please)... Comrade Emerson (aka "ED") [no relation. Ed.] Mnangagwa, seen here having a friendly chat with an unnamed mentor.

Mr Mnangagwa's ZANU-PF party (aka the Perpetual Governing Party) received 98% of the vote. The opposition Vasina Tariro received 1%. The bodies of the remaining 1% of the voters have not yet been found.

In Harare for today's festivities was "Doctor" Jill Biden, the wife of... errr... I forget. She is seen here being welcomed by Auxillia Mnangawa, ED's wife, who is understood to have passed along some advice for the Democrats on how to certain of re-election, no matter what (aka Hunter). 

Mrs Mnangagwa should know. Her husband's party has been in power continuously since Zimbabwe won its independence from the evil Rhodesians in 1980. 

True fact: Some years ago, Walt auditioned for a job reading the news on ZBC (the Zimbabwe state broadcaster), but stumbled over ED's name and wasn't hired. Being a white murungu (foreigner) didn't help either!

At least six killed in Zimbabwe post-election violence

I've been waiting patiently to be able to bring you the results from elections held in Zimbabwe on July 30th. Patience is a must, in African affairs, as things move slowly... very slowly. Future time is expresssed, in Zimbabwe, in phrases with rather vague meanings, which I'll translate for you:
- "Just now", as in "The results will be announced just now." Read: "at some time in the future, but not "now now".
- "Now now", as in "Could we have them now now?" Read: "sometime today".
- "Now now now!", as in "Do it now now now! I'm not going to wait any longer!" Read: "Move your ass, you [racist epithet deleted. Ed.]!"

Old Africa hands, like Walt, were therefore unsurprised when the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (ZEC), comprised of appointees of the ZANU-PF party which has ruled Zimbabwe since independence in 1980, announced on July 31st that results of the voting would be released, not "just now" but as soon as every last one of the 10,095 polling stations had counted every last one of the ballots.

Elections were held for every office from the presidensity to Zimbabwe's rubber-stamp parliament down to municipal councils. The only race of any consequence pitted 75-year-old Emmerson Mnangagwa, who ousted Comrade Bob Mugabe in an almost bloodless coup last November against Nelson Chamisa, age 40, who succeded to the leadership of the opposition Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) after the death of its leader, Morgan Tsvangirai.

The ZEC has released results of the parliamentary and local elections in dribs and drabs, from July 31st until this afternoon, local time. The commission has said the vote was conducted properly in accordance with African tradition under the vigilant supervision of the Zimbabwe Republic Police, and was therefore free and fair.

Supporters of the MDC disagreed, and the longer the ZEC delayed announcing the results of the presidential race, the more they complained that the fix was in. One observer, with experience of elections in the USA, said he was reminded of the delayed announcement of results in Philadelphia, where Democratic election officials would call their counterparts in certain black districts to ask for the vote count, at which time they were asked, "How many votes you need?"

Yesterday the opposition supporters got fed up waiting, and took to the streets of Ha-ha-harare, the Fun Capital of Africa, to express their anger. Zimbabwe Newsday, which was apparently afraid to print anything at all yesterday, reported this morning that at least six people were feared to have died last night, while several others sustained gunshot injuries after soldiers and police in Harare used brute force to suppress MDC Alliance activists protesting against alleged electoral theft of their vote by ZANU-PF and the ZEC.

Harare's Central Business District resembled a war zone, as soldiers drove around in their armoured vehicles, stopping every now and then to beat bystanders with sjamboks (still in use after the bad old apartheid days, but it's black on black now). They fired live ammunition indiscriminately at anyone found in the CBD, with several passersby caught in the cross fire.

Once-and-future President Mngagwa said this morning that his government has been in touch with the main opposition leader in an attempt to ease tensions after the election-related violence. Mr Chamisa said only that "We must maintain this dialogue in order to protect the peace we hold dear." Errr, yes. If you know you're going to lose an election in Africa, it's best to start backing towards the door as soon as the outcome can be discerned.

In a series of tweets, Comrade ED* called for an "independent investigation" into the violence in Harare, saying those responsible "should be identified and brought to justice." By that, he obviously meant the opposition, though some international observers criticized the military for opening fire on unarmed civilians. Those observers obviously need to cleanse their minds or their racist assumptions and get used to African ways.

* Footnote: Comrade Mnangagwa's supporters and the local meeja refer to him as "ED". Apparently no-one has told them that "ED" is commonly used here in the civilized (?) world to refer to a little problem that some men have.

Further reading: "Zimbabwe's elections turn violent", The Economist, 2/8/18. "So much for a fresh start...."

VIDEO: Simple exercises to keep your knees flexible

Agent 17 wrote to say that it has been a long time since we posted a video of African dancers. That is true. The only one still extant is in "Swaziland girls doing the reed dance -- VIDEO!", posted way back in 2012 to celebrate Canada Day! [Don't ask why. Ed.]

To help out, our agent sent along this excellent (and short -- one minute only) video of what appears to be a traditional dance from somewhere in west Africa. Anyone with better information about what it is should contact Ed. at the usual address, or just put it in the comments section which will open up if you click on the headline. Thanks.



And a big thank-you to Agent 17. Hope you recover soon from your efforts to keep up with the video!

South African lobby group gives broadcasting exec a wife

Walt's memory goes back a long way. He remembers clearly the events of 1994, when South Africa finally achieved "majority rule" -- read "black rule" -- after years of apartheid. There were people, in those days, who said black Africans were not ready to govern their country. They were not yet "fully evolved", it was said, meaning that they had only recently climbed down out of the trees. People who said such things were called "racists".

But, the "racists" argued, just look at them! Look at how they live! Look at how they dress! Why, their women run around half-naked! The counter-argument was that if the black people were still, errr, underdeveloped, that was the fault of the white oppressors, who failed to understand African customs, and wouldn't recognize that African ways and customs are by no means inferior to those of the "developed" -- read "white" -- peoples.

So, 20 years after becoming "free at last, free at last", the culture and customs of Africa's once-repressed black people are stronger than ever, as witness reports of Hlaudi Motsoeneng's recent visit to South Africa's northern Limpopo province.

Mr. Motsoeneng is the acting COO of SABC, the nation's public broadcaster. He and several other SABC execs went on a little tour of the hinterlands, ostensibly to find out how their programmes were being received by the folks out in the bush. "Not so well", was the answer given by Mudzi wa Vhurereli ha Vhavenda, a lobby group of traditional leaders and healers -- read "witch doctors" -- agitating for more programming in the local Venda language.

The Venda lobby group felt that Mr. Motsoeneng, being a "chef" -- a political appointee -- would probably respond favourably to their requests if he were given something by way of an incentive. So they gave him a bride, Vanessa Mutswari, a human resources management student, aged 22 or 23, depending on which paper you read. They also gave him a cow and a calf.

"We gave him these gifts", said Mudzi executive secretary Humbelani Nemakonde, because "he is committed to his job and understands the strategic objectives of the SABC".

But wasn't the giving of a girl a bit over the top, kind of like sacrificing a virgin? Oh no, Mr. Nemakonde told The Sowetan. "All the girls were there with their parents. Their parents knew what was going to happen and they all agreed." About ten girls were paraded in front of Mr. Motsoeneng bare-breasted, and "he chose the one he liked."

The Commission for Gender Equality said it had received a complaint after news of the Venda group's generosity was published. And the South African women's ministry said it viewed the whole process as an abuse of cultural values. "The use of women as gifts as if they were livestock is a serious regress and an insult to the gains of 20 years of democracy and freedom," its statement ran, "particularly the contribution of women."

SABC spokesthingy Kaizer Kganyago told the BBC he was unaware of the Commission for Gender Equality's investigation and that if it had any issues, they should be taken up with the Venda group concerned. Mr. Motsoeneng himself has not commented, perhaps because he has his mouth full.