Laws of Life

Walt has often referred to Agent 3 as our "legal expert". That's to distinguish him from an "illegal expert". Seriously though [Really? Ed.], Agent 3 does have an abiding interest in the law, and the difference between that and justice. There are some laws (he writes) that are not written in the statute books, laws which can only be learned by living. To help you review the laws you should've learned by now, Agent 3 presents this little list.

Law of Spousal Equality: The time taken by a wife when she says I will get ready in five minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says I will call you in five minutes!

Law of Queues: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you have moved to.

First Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.

Second Law of the Telephone: The telephone is most likely to ring when your body is immersed in water.

Corollary 1 to Second Law of the Telephone: If you get out of the bath or shower or pool to answer, it will be a wrong number.

Corollary 2 to Second Law of the Telephone: If you fail to answer, the call will have been extremely important and time sensitive, e.g. that the phone company will cut off your service in half an hour if your bill isn't paid.

First Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Second Law of the Workshop: After your hands become coated with dirt or grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Mechanical Contrariness: When you take a machine of any kind to a mechanic or repair shop because it doesn't work properly, it will, upon being tested, work properly.

Law of Unintended Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Theatre: Patrons with seats in the centre of a row will be the last to arrive.

Law of Liquid Thermodynamics: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Offer Acceptance: After you accept an offer or proposal, you will get a better one.

Law of Inevitable Price Reduction: Within 72 hours of buying any good or service, you will see it advertised at a better price.

Law of Early Arrival: When you arrive early for an event, it will fail to start on time.

Law of Test Preparation: If you didn’t read the chapter of the text that you think is of least importance, the first question on the examination will be from that chapter.

You're welcome.

Ontario dentists risk licences over sex abuse

Dickens wrote "The law is a ass." (If you thought Shakespeare penned those words, check on Google.) There are many collections of stupid, dumb and ridiculous laws proving the truth of the statement. But one of the dumbest laws Walt has heard about in some time is a provision of the Regulated Health Professions Act of Ontario that makes it illegal for dentists to have sex with their spouses.

Well, putting it another way, dentists who have sex with their spouses better not be drilling and filling their teeth. That's because the Act says that health professionals cannot have sex with their patients. So a "health professional" can have a spouse or a patient, but not a spouse for a patient.

So said the Ontario Court of Appeal last year, ruling on a case involving a chiropractor who had treated his girlfriend. The chiropractor was found guilty of professional misconduct for sexual abuse and lost his licence. Since dentists are covered by the same act, they run the same risk.

One Ontario tooth mechanic calling for change is Dr. Larry Pedlar, who, for half a century, counted his wife among his patients. Oral Health quotes the good doctor as saying, "If I treat my wife, it means I am sexually abusing her. It means I would be an outlaw."

Still, half the dentists he knows continue to treat their spouses, says the 72-year-old Dr. Pedlar. "They just keep their mouths shut." Unlike their spouses, presumably.

The issue has become a topic of ridicule in dental circles, and rightly so, says Walt. Ontario's Minister of Health has promised to, errr, look into the problem. Open just a little bit wider...

Fair trial may require removal of niqab...or maybe not

This is a niqab. Devout Muslim wear them so that no man (except a close family member) may see their face and hair.

In Toronto, a 32-year-old Muslim woman has accused her uncle and cousin of sexual assaults (plural intended). If her story is to be believed, the men have seen considerably more than her face and hair. Yet at the trial, the woman insists that the Canadian Charter of Rights protects her "right" to wear the niqab while giving testimony.

Lawyers for the accused say that the court should be able to judge the demeanor of the witness, thus the niqab should be removed. So the trial judge has referred the issue to the Ontario Court of Appeal, which today came down firmly astride the fence, telling the trial judge that he must conduct a preliminary inquiry as to why the complainant's religious beliefs necessitate her wearing the niqab.

But, the court said “If, in the specific circumstances, the accused’s fair trial right can be honoured only by requiring the witness to remove the niqab, the niqab must be removed if the witness is to testify.”

However, the judgment continues, trial judges must respect witnesses' religious rights by allowing them to testify about their religious beliefs and compelling them to remove a niqab in as few cases as possible.

The Court said that trial judges must search for a sensitive compromise that will respect the complainant's religious needs while, at the same time, allowing the defence to assess her demeanor during testimony. A good compromise, lawyers say, pleases no-one. And sure enough, the Court of Appeal suggests a good one.

[A compromise] may include having as few people in the courtroom as possible, and ensuring that most or all of them are female, it said. “Those measures might also include, where constitutionally permissible, an order that a witness be cross-examined by female counsel...If necessary, the court could be closed to all male persons other than the accused and his counsel.”

The learned judges did not comment on the possible infringement -- if their "for instance" were to be followed -- of the accused's right to counsel of his choice (male or female), and the legal presumption that a trial should be held in public, with the courtroom open to all, not just males or females.

For a more complete account of a bit of judicial logic remarkable for its tortuousness and political correctness, see today's report by Kirk Makin in the Globe and Mail.

Let us not forget Dickens' dictum: the law is a ass. But must it bray so loudly?

Footnote: The Toronto Sun summarized the story thus: "The Ontario Court of Appeal has refused to make a blanket decision [sic] as to whether sexual assault complainants should be allowed to wear their veils in a witness box." Brilliant! ROTFL!

Weird sex laws

A page of "the top twenty weird sex laws" is all over the Internet like a rash. Since I like things that go by tens, I've picked ten of the best...and a controversial No. 11...to brighten your dull day. Please note disclaimer after the last one.

1. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

2. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

3. In Alexandria VA, no man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of onions, garlic or sardines on his breath. It must have been a city council of henpecked husbands that enacted that one.

4. There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside and deflower virgins, who pay them for the privilege. This is because according to the customary law of Guan it is forbidden for a virgin to marry.

5. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

6. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times.

7. It is illegal for any member of the Nevada state legislature to conduct official business costumed as a penis, but only (apparently) while the legislature is in session.

8. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

9. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

10. In Sioux Falls SD, hotel rooms must only have twin beds. The beds must be a minimum of two feet apart IF a couple rents a room for only one night. And it is illegal to make love on the floor between the beds. No wonder the airport code for Sioux Falls is SUX! [That's Sioux CITY! Ed.]

And here's the bonus...
11. Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

I'm waiting for someone, perhaps Agent 17, to tell me there is no such Islamic law. Angry denials have already appeared on the Net. But since Agent 17 is not a Muslim, how would he know?!