Canucks erect statue honouring That Guy from That Show

Walt is occasionally accused of making fun of Canadians, those adorable frost-backed creatures from north of the World's Longest (and Most Porous) Border. But trust me, just as fish feel no pain when you take the hook out of their mouths, Canucks don't mind being the butt of jokes about how they speak or how naïve they are. One of the nice things about them, compared with their "cousins" to the south is that they don't take themselves seriously. If you don't believe me, follow the antics of Prime Minister Dress-up for a few months, and you'll see.

As proof, we offer the following article, written by Meg MacKay, which appeared recently on the "Comedy" page of the Canadian Broadcorping Castration website, under the headline: "Statue erected for beloved Canadian actor 'that guy from that show'".

To honour 20 years of That Actor Guy appearing in Canadian Entertainment, a statue has been erected in downtown Toronto.

"We really want to celebrate That Guy's contribution to Canadian culture," a spokesperson said. "He was great on that show that was probably about cops, the High School one, that TV movie about World War One or Two, and also that American movie where he played an Irish dude for like, seven seconds."

"We don't think he was in the High School one," said another spokesperson. "We think that was That Other Guy who is in a Band Now."

Other notable credits for That Guy include "A Cop Movie Where It's Supposed to be in New York but the CN Tower is Clearly Visible in Every Exterior Shot", "That Horse Show That's Set in Nebraska but is Obviously Sudbury", and most famously, "A Sci-Fi Reboot that is Meant to be Future Detroit but All the Cars Have Nova Scotia License Plates."

The statue depicts the man in his signature role, "Loveable Man in Rural Town That's Either in Saskatchewan or Newfoundland", where he played a hard-done-by dad and/or son and/or police officer. It will broadcast a Wifi signal, so passersby can Google whether or not he's the guy they were thinking of.

"I've been a huge fan of this guy for a long time," said a man who was either on a CBC show in the '90s, or is a Former Politician. "Although honestly, I saw him on the street one time and I couldn't remember if he was a famous Canadian actor or someone I lost touch with from college."

"We are all so proud of what he's done for the visibility and notoriety of Canadian artists," said an actress who might be the guy's wife or possibly his sister. The actress also might have co-featured with him in a recent Christmas movie starring a disgraced member of the band 98 Degrees.

A ribbon-cutting and statue unveiling event is scheduled for later this month. The event boasts live musical performances from A Band You Really Liked in High School, as well as That Band Who Does that Song Your Mom Always Sings Wrong. Featured speakers are An Olympian From the 90s, a Well-Respected 30- or 40- year Veteran Stand-Up Comic, and Don Cherry.

"It feels great to be recognized for all the work I've done," said John or Don or whatever his name is. "I look forward to using this credit to get my visa so I can move to the States."

Walt commends Meg MacKay (is that a Canuck name or what?!) for a fine piece, and recommends that she submit something to The Onion, where more than a dozen people might read it.

Canuck porn channels must improve, sez federal regulator

Out of the Great Not-so-white North comes news of shocking Canadian depravity, and not-so-shocking government interference in freedom of speech.

Apparently there are porn channels on Canuck cable TV. Who knew??!! Like all emissions -- nocturnal and otherwise -- the programming on such channels is subject to regulation by the Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC). [We'll skip the French version. Ed.] And the CRTC is concerned that "AOV XXX Action Clips" and "AOV Maleflixxx" may not be airing enough Canadian content. Even worse, they don't have closed captioning! The CRTC X-rated specialty channels are supposed to air 35% Canadian programming over the broadcast year, and 90% of the content should have captioning.

No closed captioning on the gentlemen's flickers. Makes you think, doesn't it. How would those captions read?
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmm... ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.... more, more, more!"
[That's enough closed captioning. Ed.]

As for the CanCon, Walt wonders how the CRTC distinguishes between blue movies ["yellow movies" in China. Ed.] made in Canada and those made in, say, the Excited States of America. Would there be erotic rubbing of noses? Would the Canadian actors have little maple leaves tattooed on their naughty bits? Would [That's enough examples. Ed.]

As part of proposed licence renewals, the commission plans to hear evidence on the apparent non-compliance. Meetings will be held behind closed doors, in darkened rooms with sticky floors, and are expected to last an entire Arctic night.