"It's not what it looks like!" - Canuck convicted of attempted bestiality

"I’m sorry, it’s not what it looks like," 30-year-old Ryan Dodd told Ottawa (Canada) police when caught with his pants down (and his pecker up, as the British say) standing in a stall with a miniature pony that had been tied up and lubed with scented body oil which the police described as "overwhelming". 

Police seized an empty bottle of body oil and some rope with which the pony (female pony of course -- nothing wrong with old Dodd!)  had been restrained. 

In response, the cops told him to put his pants on... which he did... backwards! Mr Dodd was co-operative with arresting officers and said he had been drinking and did two lines of coke a few hours before breaking into the barn. 

The miniature pony was left greasy, particularly around her genitalia, but  examination by a veterinarian showed no trauma to the vaginal area or rectum. Three swabs showed no semen or oil from the vagina, hamstring region or hind legs. The pony's coat, however, "smelled of perfume for days", according to Inspector Knacker.

In his defence on charges of break and enter and attempted bestiality, Mr Dodd said he had broken into the barn only to masturbate, for which purpose he had brought with him the pink silicone replica vagina which the police removed from the pocket of his hoodie.

Mr Dodd was convicted on both charges, and will under go a sexual behaviour assessment while he awaits sentencing later this year. He is expected to appeal to a higher court... but not very much. [That's a really old one. Ed.]