Kiwi kid's fart speech blasts competition

12-year-old Victoria Grant's "Enslaved by our banks" speech, reported here last month, has drawn considerable readership and comment. Now, via Agent 6, comes word of a less serious, but still ripping speech by Sophie Paterson, apparently about the same age, a Grade 6 student in the Central Hawke’s Bay area of New Zealand. Here's the text of Sophie's prizewinning oration on the subject of... wait for it... farts.

Hi, today I am going to talk to you about farts. Some people think farts are rude and some people think farts are funny, like me. I think farts are hilarious.

Farting is a fact of life. Everybody farts. The Queen farts, superstars fart and I fart. We will fart until the day we die. And apparently a person can still fart after death!!

Do you know why we fart? Flatulence, wind or farts, whatever you like to call them, is the production of the mixture of gases in the digestive tract, that are by products of the digestive process. The average person farts about 14 times a day, which produces about half a litre of fart gas. (Personally, I think I fart more than 14 times a day).

Farts are made up of the following: Nitrogen, the main ingredient making up 59 percent; next behind is hydrogen at 21 percent; 9 percent carbon dioxide; 7 percent methane, 3 percent oxygen and 1 percent other stuff. But listen to this! Hydrogen sulphide is the compound that makes them stink!

Here are the top 10 farters:
1. Termites
2. Camels
3. Zebras and my pony Free
4. Sheep
5. Cows
6. Elephants
7. Labradors and retrievers
8. Humans (vegetarians)
9. Humans (non-vegetarians)
10. Gerbils (also known as the desert rat)

If If you are going to fart, do not sit by flames, because farts are very flammable. Also, they can come motoring out of your body at 10 kmh. No wonder some of you have holes in your undies!

Please do not panic if you find yourself trapped in a small space like a closet, as it is impossible to suffocate in your own farts. Unless Ben (my little brother) is in there with you!

Anyway next time you fart, don’t think it’s rude. Just know that everybottie, oops, I mean, everybody, farts. Thank you for listening to my fartastic speech.

Here’s a little poem that I’d like to share with you.
A fart can be useful
It gives the body ease
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.

Way to go Sophie! Keep `em flying!

And dear readers, please note that Walt is quoting from a report in the Napier (NZ) Mail. There's at least one other version of this speech extant on the Internet, with a couple of bogus limericks tacked on at the end, replacing the nice little poem Sophie recited. Trust Walt to give you the real article.