VIDEO: Pentagon to contract out military guard duties at the Capitol

The Congressional Budget Office, always on the alert for ways to reduce spending -- particularly when we don't know if there will be any budget at all -- read with interest documents from the United Nations confirming that countries volunteering uniformed personnel to peacekeeping operations are reimbursed by the UN at a standard rate, approved by the General Assembly last year, of $1428 per soldier per month.

The money doesn't actually go to the troops but to the governments of those countries. How much of the money actually finds its way into the soldiers' pockets is a mystery. But even if they got all of it, $1428 per month isn't a lot, is it. Compare that with the basic pay of an American soldier, sailor or airman. They probably get three or four times the salary of someone from, say, Chad. That thought, dear readers, engendered an idea in the tiny mind of someone at the CBO, who passed it on to the Pentagon.

Thus, in a brilliant cost-saving measure, the US military has decided to contract out non-combat duties to the armed forces of other countries. "Non-combat duties" include things like forming honour guards at places like the Capitol. "Other countries" includes the likes of the People's Republic of China. Effective today, the Chinese military will take over from American troops responsibilities for guarding the Capitol, the White House and other important sites.

Visitors who are paying attention will observe such ceremonies as the Mounting of the Guard being performed with more precision and efficiency, and at much lower cost. Yes, we have video.



Note from Ed.: Oups! Looks like I posted this about six hours early. Hit "publish" instead of "save". It was supposed to appear tomorrow, April 1st. If you need me to explain why it makes a difference, never mind, just keep writing to your Congressthingy.

A romantic encounter with a redhead

Poor Len Canayen here. Walt is feeling poorly again [Who's Poorly? Ed.] and isn't up to writing, and I don't want to say anything about les Glorieux until this time next week, so I'll just pass along this nice little story that Agent 6 told me.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant. A gorgeous redhead was sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

"Oh my! I am so sorry!", said the woman, as she popped her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together. Afterwards they went to the theatre and then to a bar for drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet?"
"No," she replied, adding...
...
...
...
"You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye."

VIDEO: Max Bernier responds to accusations of Islamophobia, says his People's Party won't include affirmative action in candidate selection

Predictably, Max Bernier, leader of the new People's Party of Canada, has been the target of criticism from the lamestream media and liberal politicians (including all the liberals in the Not-So-Conservative Party) for failing to rend his garments and tear out his hair over the Christchurch massacre. At a presser to announce the beginning of his party's candidate recruitment drive, he responded to accusations that by saying nothing he was "stoking racism and Islamophobia". He was also accused of supporting white supremacism by not making affirmative action a part of the PPC's candidate selection process. Here's how he answered.

Illegal alien arrested for boffing a cow

Every once in a while I post a story about bestiality -- having sex with an animal -- because, to be honest, I find such stories weird and amusing. ["Is that a sin, Father?" Ed.] Last time, in a story from Zimbabwe, the animal was a goat. Today's story comes from closer to home, i.e. Starr County TX.

According to the (UK) Daily Mail, a Mexican national named Jose Nino was arrested by sheriff's deputies after being tipped off by the Border Patrol that they witnessed a man who they said appeared to be "having sex with a cow." The CBP agents gave the deputies the location and a description of the suspect, and next thing you know it was cowitus interruptus! [Arrgghh! Ed.]

Reminds me of the old joke about the two British officers talking in the mess during the occupation of Egypt in World War I. "Did you hear about Medley-Jones?" says one to the other. "Got drummed out of the corp for having it off with a camel."
"Male or female camel?", asks the other.
"Female of course," responds the first. "Nothing wrong with old Smedley-Jones!"

Note from Ed.: I had a look through the archives and found that the Zimbabwe story was not the most recent on the topic of zoophilia. Just last december we posted "Egyptian woman jailed for sexual harassment... of monkey!" So let's hear from gender equity and species equity!

You know you're "old school" when...

Poor Len `ere. Hed. asked if I could write a column and give Walt a break, since Walt is feeling under the weather. So here it is. But this is not about hockey. This is about getting old, which, to be honest, sucks.

Walt and I have been discussing we are really old (we have the same birthday) or just "old-school", meaning old(er) in our likes and habits, if not our bodies. [How about "both"? Ed.] We made a list of how to tell if you're "old school". Here it is. You know you're old school when...

You get your change back in bills and you put them all going the same direction.

You use the word "secretary" and not the phrase "administrative assistant".

You don't mind eating leftovers or wearing the same clothes for years.

You don't have any tattoos.

A "cents-off" coupon still motivates you to buy.

You still enjoy getting the paper off the driveway or porch and reading it.

You hand a child your phone and say "Would you fix this thing?"

You see value in food and items thrown away and remember your family's stories of the Great Depression.

"Budget" wasn't a bad word and "credit" was.

Duct tape was the handyman's secret weapon -- a fix for anything.

You squeeze every little bit out of the tube or keep the bottle upside down until it's empty.

You would rather go the office and drop off your résumé than post it online.

You thought a mouse was a rodent, a cloud was white and up in the sky, and Amazon was a river.

"Illegal" meant against the law, not an alien you're supposed to welcome as your neighbour.

It saddens you to keep seeing misspelled words, grammatical howlers and (especially) apostrophe errors in newspapers and magazines. (That one was for Ed.!)

You remember when real men played hockey without helmets and a hundred pounds of body armour. (That one's for me!)

You're browsing through the antique section of a resale shop and remember the days of LPs, 8-tracks, Coke bottles, and all those wonderful things that no-one makes any more.

Don't let anyone "age shame" you! There's nothing wrong with being "old school" or even just plain OLD! Everyone gets that way, sooner or later. Next time one of your kids makes fun of you for clinging to your old school ways [and values! Ed.], just smile and say "Just you wait..."

Conclusion? No collusion! Mueller punts!

Now comes the payback. The American people have been lied to for two years. The whole "collusion with Russia" affair turns out to be pretty much a hoax. Hoaxes don't just occur by something like spontaneous combustion. Somebody started, somebody perpetuated it. Let them be found.

Comment from Blazing Cat Fur: There is a pall hanging over the left side of the internet today. The disappointment is palpable. How is this possible, they’re asking? We were so certain that the president of the United States was a traitor — that Hillary Clinton didn't lose the 2016 election because she was the worst candidate in modern history, but because Trump and the Russians worked together to steal it. It's like election night, November 2016, all over again.

Mueller comes down squarely astride the fence

Breaking news from America's capital: Attorney General William Barr‘s summary of the long-awaited report of Special Counsel Robert Mueller was made public this afternoon. It quotes Mr Mueller as saying that "while this report does not conclude that the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him." How about that...

Nearly two years and millions of dollars spent trying to find something for which to indict President Trump, and all Mr Mueller can say is that he declines to make a "traditional prosecutorial judgement" on allegations of obstruction of justice. Walt calls for a Special Investigation into this colossal waste of taxpayers' money. More later.