The Komodo dragon expert

There's a story on the AP mojo wire this morning from the wilds of eastern Indonesia. It's in that eastern part of the archipelago [How long have you been waiting to use that word? Ed.] that you would find the islands of Komodo, Padar and Rinca, home of the fabled and fearsome Komodo dragon.

Yes, folks, the Komodo dragon really does exist. And here's what one looks like.

Ugly brute, isn't it? How would you feel if one of those wandered into your workplace? Well, that's what happened at Komodo National Park, where one of the monster reptiles attacked two park rangers... in their office!

A KNP spokesthingy, Heru Rudiharto -- no hero he! -- said the 2-metre-long lizard bit the rangers badly enough that  both had to be evacuated to a hospital on Bali.

This story reminded me of a classic sketch by the greatest radio comedians ever to be heard on US airwaves. I refer of course to Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding,  known to legions of fans as "Bob and Ray".

The Bob and Ray Show began, more by accident than anything else, in 1946 on WHDH in Boston. It ran under various titles on national networks including NBC and NPR, until 1987. There was even a TV version, briefly, back in the golden (i.e. black-and-white) years. The TV version didn't do all that well, possibly because the spoofs were created for radio, and didn't depend at all on visuals for the gags.

It came as something of a surprise, then, when stage versions -- Bob and Ray: the Two and Only and A Night of Two Stars -- played for months to packed houses at Carnegie Hall and on the road. Walt was there, and remembers clearly hearing and watching them do one of their best radio sketches, "The Komodo Dragon expert". No video has found its way to YouTube, but here's the audio portion.



Hey... they're not making that stuff up. What the expert told you are the facts about Komodo dragons. If you'd like to know more about life in the land they come from -- eastern Indonesia -- you're in luck, because one of Walt's agents lives and works there. Click here to read her blog, "Life is a gift; live it!" Good words to remember, especially if a Komodo dragon wanders into your workplace.

ممكن المعارضه دى تحصل فى ميدان التحرير

You know, of course, that the Egyptians are still revolting. Well, maybe not revolting, but demonstrating against the failure of last year's revolution. There's more to this than rioting over football matches -- soon to be made an Olympic sport.

Egyptians seem to feel that the overthrow of Mubarak made things worse than before, now that they have a new dictator -- let's be honest about it -- and a government dominated by the Muslim Brotherhood. One of the things they really object to is moves to enshrine Sharia law in a proposed new constitution. That (I'm told) is the message these demonstrators wish to get across.

No, this is not Tahrir Square. (As if!!!) I'm told the ladies are actually Ukrainians -- perhaps the same professional demonstrators pictured in one of last year's posts -- and they are demonstrating against the Egyptian constitution outside the Egyptian embassy in, errr, Stockholm. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

Canada officially penniless!

Did you see the Google doodle today? Yes, even the great American shibboleth [eh? Ed.] noticed that something momentous happened north of the world's longest undefended border. Dear readers, today Canadians mourn the passing -- or should we say dropping -- of the penny.

The government of Canada stopped making cents last fall. [And stopped making sense long before that. Ed.] But today the Royal Canadian Mint officially stopped distributing the little red cents to financial institutions.

The idea is to take the coins of little value out of circulation. Eventually. The one-cent piece has not been demonetized. That is, it remains legal tender. And there are something like 35 billion pennies still in circulation. Given that a fair proportion of these are squirrelled away in piggy banks and gigantic Maple Leafs jars (to be opened only when the Leafs win the Stanley Cup), this is going to take awhile.

The Mint's spokesthingy, Christine Aquino, told the Vancouver Province they're estimating three or four years, but Walt thinks three or four decades would be more like it. [Lifetime pct .992] Walt also wonders if they've factored in all the American pennies which will be brought across the border and cheerfully accepted by Canuck retailers and tourist trappers.

Walt also predicts that a number of coppery figures of speech will lose currency. (Geddit?) Canucks will speak no more of: "my two cents' worth", "not worth a red cent", and "a penny for your thoughts". Canada, if not the world, will be the poorer for losing its centses.

PS & WOW!!! A million for one offer!

If you can find a genuine (verified by the Royal Canadian Mint) penny dated 2013 (like the one in the Google doodle), I will give you (the equivalent of) a MILLION pennies. That's $10,000, in any dollar currency you like: Canadian dollars, US dollars, Australian dollars, Bahamian dollars, Hong Kong dollars, whatever. If you've got one, e-mail Walt at the usual address.

"We don't need no stinkin' badges!"

Seems quite a few readers enjoyed yesterday's story about the power of the federal DEA badge. So, by way of follow-up, Walt is pleased to present this excellent mashup, created by Peter DeCristofaro and posted on YouTube.

Norwegian icebreaker to clear North Saskatchewan River

Agent 9 reports that it's cold on the Canadian prairie... mighty cold!

To quote the late Ed McMahon, "How cold was it?!" Well... it's been sooo cold that the government of Alberta has borrowed a Norwegian icebreaker to clear the North Saskatchewan River for freighter traffic.

The icebreaker is starting near Devon AB and working its way northward. Here is a picture as the hard work of icebreaking begins. Impressive!

As with  yesterday's report from Agent 6, Ed. has had difficulty verifying this one, but Walt can't believe that a man of the cloth would just make this up... would he?

Arrogant DEA agent gets justice in Texas

From sunnier climes (where the groundhog almost always sees his shadow) Agent 6 sends us this tale of arrogance receiving poetic justice. Ed. has been unable to verify this story, but it's so good that we'll take Agent 6's word for it...

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and spoke to the old rancher. "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs," said the agent.

Replied the rancher said, "OK, but don't go in that field over there," pointing out the area which was off limits.

On hearing this, the DEA officer verbally exploded! "Mister," he yelled, "I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Whereupon he reached into his rear pants pocket, pulled his badge therefrom and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores, while the DEA agent went about his.

A short time later, the country person heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified! The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

[Walt just loves this part...]

"Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!"

Groundhog day results conclusive: early spring!

Ed. here. The results are in! First out of his hole this morning was Shubenacadie Sam, who was greeted by bright sunshine. Somewhat later Punxatawney Phil (the Great American Groundhog) did not see his shadow. So far, a tie... Carrying with it the possiblity of cross-border hostilities.

Shortly after 0800 (EST) Wiarton Willie had the same vision, or lack thereof, as Phil. And now... Wait for it... Walt has likewise failed to see his shadow. Yes folks, it's a 3 to 1 vote for an early spring!

Walt needs a little rest so Ye Ed. will dip into readers' e-mail and answer some burning questions.

Lon Moore sends a TXT msg: HOW OLD WALT REALLY?
Ed.: Old Walt really fine. How you?

Rick Tushernia asks: Walt sometimes writes "Lifetime pct .991" or some other number. What is he talking about?
Ed.: You're obviously not a fan of baseball, the sport that entertains through the minute analysis of statistics. Walt is referring to his record of correct vs incorrect predictions. As of today he has been right 991 times out of 1000. Walt is occasionally wrong, but never in doubt!

Pat Strami writes from Rye NY: Don't you think Walt is just a bit anti-Semitic?
Ed.: Tell me who or what you think Semites are and I'll tell you the answer. Walt says some of his best friends are Jews.

Cordelia Weatherbee wants to know Walt's opinion of marriage.
Ed.: Walt thinks marriage is a fine institution, if you want to be in an institution. But, he warns, anyone who thinks "love means never having to say you're sorry" has never been married.

Bess Arabia enquires how Walt voted in the last election.
Ed.: Walt voted early and often, but it didn't do any good. Next time (he says) he won't vote; it only encourages them.

And remember folks... Blessed are the flexible, for they shall never get bent out of shape.