Whethiour

= a bad spell of "weather". That's what we're having at the moment. Walt is trying to get out to the county road

or the bootlegger's shack, whichever comes first. So don't expect anything more than a Christmas greeting until this all blows over.

VIDEO: Canuck groundhog predicts early spring

 Well, it's Groundhog Day again.../// Well, it's Groundhog Day again.../// Well, it's Groundhog Day again... but you saw the movie right, so enough with the reference. 

If you're from some other part of the world and have no idea what I'm talking about, the residense of northeastern North America have a superstition that if a groundhog (aka woodchuck, as in "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?") sticks his head out of his burrow on February 2nd and sees his shadow, he gets frightened, goes back underground, and we'll have six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow, it'll be an early spring.

Three groundhogs* have attained a degree of international fame [notority? Ed.] over the years, the best-known being Punxatawney (PA) Phil, featured in Groundhog Day, the movie. Walt, however, prefers Canada's Wiarton Willie. He lives so far north that he's white! OK, the original Willie was white; he died a couple of years ago and his successor appears to be the usual mousy brown. Anyway, he's better-positioned than Phil to notice the advance or retreat of winter weather. Watch this.

* Who's the third one (I hear you ask)? That would be Shubenacadie Sam, who lives way Down East in central Nova Scotia. If you want to go to wherever for next year's festivities... we should live so long... Walt recommends Wiarton. It's just down the road from Tobermory ON, at the tip of the Bruce Peninsula and therefore the Bruce Trail, the longest hiking trail in one state/province. You'd be unwise to try hiking the Trail in the dead of winter, but there you go...

And here's a follow-up from Blazing Cat Fur...

Was the Mountie's photo the "most Canadian"?

Walt's posting of the iconic photo of the Mountie in full dress uniform playing pond hockey (see below), prompted Agent 3 to forward this one, posted on Twitter by @halifax_ukie.

Somehow, though, Walt doubts that "Halifax Ukie" is really in Halifax. Either that or it's not a recent picture. They've got waaaaay more snow than that "Down East". See below.

"Worst blizzard in the history of New York City" - LMAO

New York Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. -- that's DeBlasio's real name -- warned of the "historic snowfall" that was about to descend on his city. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie -- aka Christie the Clown -- warned people to stay off the roads lest they be trapped in their cars. States of emergency were declared in advance of the impending "Snowmageddon" -- a word which was used sparingly, but used all the same. And in Rome, the Pope was adding a couple of references to his encyclical on the theologically fraught question of global warming.

And then... ... nothing happened! Or at least, nothing that a Canadian suburbanite couldn't handle with shovel. But New York and New Jersey aren't in Canada. [Tanks God for dat! Poor Len.] They are in the Paranoid States of America, where there is no such thing as a minor inconvenience. Everything that happens in America -- especially New York -- is the biggest and best... or worst... as the case may be.

Walt recommends that Messrs DeBlasio and Christie take a trip today -- now that the airports are open again! -- to someplace like Fargo, where the real snow is and where the real people are. That's the real America!  

Note from Ed.: Even with the intervention of Poor Len, this is a bit short. So let's fill some space with a little-known fact, which has nothing to do with blizzards or effete Easterners. The decibel was named for the famous British-American-Canadian (depending on who you ask) inventor, Sir Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone. [Really? I thought Don Ameche invented the telephone. Walt]

Diary of a snow shoveller

Ed. here. A number of our agents have flocked off to Florida, leaving Walt, Poor Len and yr obdt svt here in the cold, looking out the frosted glass of the cabin window. To make those who have refugeed south feel even more warm and smug [sic], we present "Diary of a Snow Shoveller". Thanks to Agent 9.

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20" forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I thought was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Power was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right! I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to zero. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry f@#%&@#g Christmas! 20 more inches of the f@#%&#g tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a f%#@%@#g idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in! Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -35. Still snowed in. That woman is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars -- not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8: Feel so good! I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Enough snow, already!

No news or commentary today. We're a little under the weather... literally!

Thanks to Agent 6.

VIDEO: Look out Florida, the snowbirds are coming!

It's that time of year. There's one thing uppermost in the minds of denizens of the Great Not-so-white North, especially those of a certain age. What are they thinking? "Get me outta here!"



Thanks and a tip o' the toque to Agent 6.

FUNNY VIDEO: Are you ready for winter?

Walt spent a couple of hours yesterday giving his garden its final cleanup for the year. [You hope! Ed.] The last rose of summer has been cut and thrown into the composter. The rainbarrel is empty. The cave awaits the hibernator.

What about you, dear reader? Are you ready for the joys of winter? Perhaps you've forgotten what fun winter can be. Here's a reminder, courtesty of Agent 6.