Simple solution for problems housing seniors and criminals

As the corona virus continues to sweep across North America [mostly the part south of the 49th parallel. Ed.], it presents governments with problems particular to two groups of citizens who are forced to live in confined quarters where the virus spreads more rapidly, with deadly effect. I speak of senior citizens incarcerated in retirement homes, and criminals living rent-free in prisons where they enjoy benefits (like three squares, internet and TV) which many seniors don't get.

Thanks be, then, to Agent 9, who has forwarded a proposal from "Maxine" [Who she? Ed.] which, if implemented, would kill both birds with one stone. Hm. Maybe not a keen choice o' words. Let's just say our dilemma about what to do with seniors and criminals would be ended, if only our governments would let them... or make them... switch places!

Here ["Maxine" writes] is the way it should be: Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. This would correct two things at one:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and Medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing – e.g. shoes, slippers, PJs – and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all, with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a PC, TV, phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.
And they'd be living in a gated community!

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.

Sounds like justice to me!

No "retirement home" for us!

Every now and then some churl writes to suggest (often forcefully) that Walt and/or Len [and Ed. Ed.] belong in a "home" of some sort -- a place where we'll be safe from the world and the world will be safe from us. Memories of Where's Poppa? spring to our collective mind. But, dear reader, know this! It'll be a frosty Friday in hell before we go quietly into any such place of asylum. Certainly not while there's a better alternative, as described in this piece sent along by Agent 9.

No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.

I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5-worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inns there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they'll call an ambulance. Or the undertaker!

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grand-kids can use the pool. What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.