Dr. Geezer proves age and guile beat youth and innocence every time

It's been a quiet Sunday (so far) here in Lake Wobegon. [Don't go there. Didn't you hear that Garrison Keillor is a victim of #MeToo? Ed.] OK, it's beautiful day in the neighbourhood. [Get on with it. Ed.] Walt is grateful to Agent 9 for sending along a story which should tickle the funnybone of all the old geezers out there... and serve as a warning to young whippersnappers.

A retired physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. Over the door, he put up a sign that read: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Understandably annoyed, Dr. Young went back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't! That's gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

After having lost $1000 in less than week, Dr. Young left angrily, but came back a few days later, looking for revenge.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, so here is your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story: Just because you're "young" doesn't mean you can outsmart an "old geezer". And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

Note from Ed. to Agent 9: Your prize for submitting the best "Laughter is the Best Medicine" [Don't go there. Walt] story for May is in the mail!

Weekend smiles: Phyllis Dillerisms

Ed. here. Walt has gone Christmas shopping. Let's take a weekend break with some of stand-up comedienne Phyllis Diller's best lines, courtesy of seldom-heard-from Agent 71.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice. They just look like me.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, "Is this milk fresh?" He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Footnote: Phyllis Diller's real name is Phyllis Ada Drive. Just thought should know.

Beautiful women of our time

Agent 6 sends us a nicely put-together screen show to remind us of some nicely put-together beauties of yesteryear.

It also reminds us of the frailty of man...and woman. I used to think I'd be a thing of beauty and a boy forever, but it seems you can't beat the clock.

It's hell getting old!

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?!"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open."

Thanks to Agent 6!