10 more warnings that shouldn't be necessary

We start with a little joke (?) submitted by Agent 6. Ed. calls him "Mr Reliable" because when we need a chuckle to dispel the gloom, he's got one! This is a story about a heartbroken lawyer... as if a lawyer would have a heart!

When a father sent his three sons to university, he told them, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education. You don't owe me anything for that, but I want to know that you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time came, and they saw him in his coffin, they remembered his wish.

First to approach the casket was the doctor, who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then came the financial planner, who also placed $1000 in the folded hands of his dad. Finally, it was the turn of the heartbroken lawyer. He reached into his pocket, took out his cheque-book, wrote a cheque for $3000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2000 cash!

Agent 6 goes on to say that the heartbroken lawyer went on to become a successful politician, which is hardly surprising. But the story is really about the trouble with lawyers, which happens to be the theme of The Case Against Lawyers (Broadway Books, New York, 2002), by Catherine Crier, a former lawyer and judge. This highly recommendable book tells how the lawyers, politicians and bureaucrats have turned the law into an instrument of tyranny... and what we as citizens must do about it.

A few days ago, Walt posted "15 warnings that really shouldn't be needed". In Chapter One of her book, headed "We Love Our Rules", Ms Crier gives 10 examples from the Wacky Warning Label contest sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, as follows.

10. The label on a handheld massager advises "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious."

9. A sign on a public toilet reads "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.:

8. A can of pepper spray warns users "May irritate eyes."

7. Please heed the warning on a laser printer cartridge: "Do not eat toner."

6. A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns "Not intended for highway use."

5. A label on prescription sleeping pills warns that they "may cause drowsiness."

4. A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns "Do not drive with sunshield in place."

3. Bicycle shin guards warn "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

2. A household iron warns "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."

And finally, the author's favourite...
1. The baby stroller label that cautions "Remove child before folding."

Ms Crier asks us to remember that these are all legitimate labels to protect us from ourselves. They're not superfluous "information" (she writes) but responses to lawsuits in which courts have expanded and approved the right to be an idiot. Who's to blame? Lawyers -- the USA has more of them per 100,000 than any nation on earth -- and politicians -- ditto.

15 warnings that really shouldn't be needed

It is well known that the Paranoid States of America is the most litigious nation on earth. And it has the highest number of lawyers per 1000 people. Some correlation there, perhaps. But Canada occupies the better half of North America, and seems to have been infected by the same desire to sue anyone -- especially any company with deep pockets -- over anything. To discourage this sort of thing and protect themselves from consumers, lawyers are advising their corporate clients to put warning labels on just about everything. Here are some of the dumb, with Walt's comments in italics.

1. On the bottom of McCain's Tiramisu dessert: 'Do not turn upside down.'
Well,...duh, a bit late, eh?

2. On Planter's peanuts: 'Warning: contains nuts.'
Talk about a news flash!

3. On Shoppers Drug Mart cough medicine for children: 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'
We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those five-year-olds with head colds off those bulldozers.

4. On President`s Choice Bread Pudding: 'Product will be hot after heating.'
And you thought....?

5. On a Sears hairdryer: 'Do not use while sleeping.'
But that's the only time I have to do my hair!

6. On a bag of Fritos: 'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'
The shoplifter special?

7. On a bar of Dial soap: 'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
And that would be....?

8. On some Swanson frozen dinners: 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
It's just a suggestion.

9. On packaging for a Black & Decker iron: 'Do not iron clothes on body.'
But wouldn't this save time?

10. On Nytol Sleep Aid: 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
And I'm taking this because....?

11. On most brands of Christmas lights: 'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
As opposed to what?

12. On a Japanese food processor: 'Not to be used for the other use.'
Somebody out there help me on this. I'm curious.

13. On a Westjet packet of nuts: 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
Say what?

14. On a child's Superman costume: 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.

15. On a chainsaw: 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
Really??!! Is a lot of this happening somewhere?

Thanks to our newest agent, 29, who writes from the other side of the world. But we know what you are, EH!