"I once knew a man from Nantucket..."

So said Homer Simpson in an episode, years ago, in which... Well, it doesn't matter. What matters in today's hectic world is to take time every day to have a good laugh. If you haven't heard or read any good jokes lately, open a book [Wat dat? Ed.] and read a few. It doesn't have to be a jokebook. How about a book of limericks? The limerick is an art form -- a blend of poetry and humour -- which seems to have been eclipsed by stand-up comedy which consists of political and ethnic insults.

We [Walt and Ed. Ed.] think it's time for something gentler. We have each contributed one of our favourite limericks, to wit:

There once was a man from Madras
Whose bollocks were made of rolled brass.
When they tinkled together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

There once was a man from Japan
Who wrote poetry no-one could scan.
When told it was so,
He replied, "Yes, I know,
"But I like to get as many words into the last line as I can."

Readers are invited to add their own favourites. No bonus for limericks about The Donald. And it doesn't matter because there are no prizes anyway. Click on the headline to open this post in a new window, and post your fave in the comments box. [I'm watching these for "language", so watch yours! Ed.]

For lovers of the English language

Ed. here. Walt has taken a couple of days off to ponder the meanings (if any) of the Republican and Democratic conventions. He is trying to figure out why any American would not vote for Donald Trump. In his absence, to fill the space, I have lifted a couple of posts from a bulletin board for ESL teachers....

On the importance of correct punctuation:

What's the difference between making love to twenty-nine year olds and twenty nine year olds? 25 years to life!

Never date an apostrophe. They can be possessive.

Two limericks:

There once was a man from Japan
Who wrote poetry no-one could scan
When told it was so
He replied, "Yes, I know
But I like to get as many words into the last line as I can."

There once was a gasman named Peter
Who, while trying to read an old meter
By chance struck a light
And blew out of sight
And, as anyone who knows anything about the structure of English poetry will tell you, also ruined the meter.

And finally:

A knock was heard on the Pearly Gates.
"Who's there?", Saint Peter said.
"It is I", replied the voice from without.
"Go to hell," said Saint Peter. "We've got enough English teachers here."

The lure of the limerick, the colour of the dress

Ed. here. Walt is tired and downhearted. Nearly every headline that catches his eye raises his blood pressure. So Doctor Daniels has ordered him to bed, on a strict diet of vitriol and Kellogg's Grumpies. Until he gets back, he has asked me to fill this space with something light and humorous. With what, I asked myself. Then I heard Homer Simpson say that he once knew a man from Nantucket (in "Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo"), and thought, hey, I know that one. I won't post it here, but will copy out four other delightful limericks, which I hope will bring a smile to your face... and Walt's.

There was a young man of Calcutta
Who had a most terrible stutta.
He said "Pass the ham
"And the j.. j.. j.. jam
"And the b.. b.. b.. b.. b.. b.. butta."

There was a young man from Darjeeling
Who got on a bus bound for Ealing.
It said at the door
"Don't spit on the floor!"
So he carefully spat on the ceiling.

There was an old fellow named Cager
Who proposed an incredible wager
By offering to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major.

The was a young fellow named Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother
And fell in another
And now they're interred side by side.

Afterthought: Are you telling me the dress isn't gold and white?! Go on wi' ye!!!

[Expletive deleted] limerick

Walt and Len have been taken to task for their occasional use of a couple of the Nine Anglo-Saxon Monosyllables. This blog, they have been told, could be read by innocent children whose parents have lacked the wisdom to install filters to prevent viewing of "bad words".

[George Carlin said there are no bad words, only bad thoughts. Ed.]

I was just coming to that... George Carlin said there are 400,000 words in the English language, but only seven you can't say on TV. How's that for long odds, said Carlin -- 399,993 to 7! But times have changed. At least two of the seven are heard all the time in movies, and every now and then on TV. But in TV prime time, instead of the offensive "bad word", we usually hear a "bleep".

Could the same technique be used to censor text published on the Internet? Here is what would happen to a typical limerick if such technology existed.

There once was a man who [deleted]
Whose [delete] was so long, he [deleted]
[Deleted delete]
[Deleted delete]
And now he's [deleted] [deleted].

By M.C. Court, as told to Jay Jennings in "Even More Memoirs by Even More McCourts".