Police training VIDEO: How to peel a banana

Everybody knows that Canada is a frightfully peaceful [dull? boring? Ed.] country, except maybe for Toronto's Jane-Finch district. Oh...and Malvern and Regent Park and Scarberia and... [That's enough. Ed.] OK, well, York Region, north of Toronto must be peaceful as the local bobbies -- as Canadian police are called -- have enough time on their hands to produce instructional videos on such arcane (but important) subjects as the fine art of peeling bananas. Check this out.



Walt is not making this up. This video was sent out yesterday, along with a series of tweets, by the communications office of York Regional Police. Said their spokesthingy, "I would love to tell you that there was a ton of strategic planning, high-level thinking and the start of a month-long national campaign, but all of that would be untrue. We enjoy having fun with Twitter and today was no exception."

Constable Andy Pattenden told the Notional Pest that he got idea for a series of "instructional fruit videos" when he noticed another underemployed officer peeling a banana from the bottom up, rather than from the top down. "You see," he said, "us [sic] police officers are highly trained investigators and even the little things catch our attention. Instead of just leaving the observation alone, I decided to discuss the revolutionary method by which he accessed the fruit and it lead to plenty of discussion around the office."

Will there be more such interesting and informative productions? It is rumored that next up will be a video on how to eat a donut -- maple glazed, from Tim Horton's of course -- from the hole outwards. Stay tuned.

Footnote: Ontario cops are among the most highly-paid of that province's snivel servants. The government's "Sunshine List" (of those earning over C$100,000 per year -- $94,000 in real money) includes many "lowly" police constables. Agent 3 is checking to see if PC Pattenden is on the list, and says he will write a complaint to any cabinet minister who can read.

Walt handicaps the NHL playoffs -- Western Conference

Note from Ed.: Walt has been a little off his schedule for the last couple of weeks -- spring fever perhaps -- so didn't hand in this piece until after the first Western Conference games last night. Shame to anyone who thinks he waited to see which way the ice was tilting before making his fearless predictions.

The National Hockey League's shortened season ended on Sunday, with the big bad Bruins succumbing to the surprising Senators, so it wasn't until Monday that Walt was able to suss out the final standings and figure out which way to bet on the Stanley Cup playoffs. Here's what's going to happen.

Western Conference

Chicago Blackhawks (1) vs Minnesota Wild (8) -- "Wild" is a stupid name for a sports team. Like "Storm" or "Jazz". There is virtually no facet of the game in which the Hawks -- the name is really "Black Hawks" but that's not PC any more -- do not excel. Even if goalie Nik Backstrom stands on his head, the Wild are going to be Tamed in 5 games, max.

Another note from Ed.: Backstrom was injured during the warmup last night, and the Wild lost 2-1 in OT. Backup goalie Harding may be too shell-shocked to play the second game.

Anaheim Ducks (2) vs Detroit Redwings (7) -- Another team with a dizzy Disney name vs another one with a previous non-PC name. (It was "Red Wings" before the McCarthy era!) The Ducks have an on-again-off-again offence, and predictions of the Wings' demise are premature, IMHO. Detroit in 7.

Vancouver Canucks (3) vs San Jose Sharks (6) -- Sharks had a better season than their sixth place finish suggests. Always the bridesmaids ["groomsmen"? Ed.] the Canucks are weak on the PK and in the faceoff circle, and still haven't sorted out their goaltending situation. If Luongo has to play, school's out! If San Jose wins the first game, they'll take the series in 7.

St. Louis Blues (4) vs Los Angeles Kings (5) -- Quick, who's going to win? Note the punctuation. Two strong goaltenders, but LA's Quick has been known to choke. [Walt admits he wrote this after last night's gaffe.] Two strong, hard-working teams. Perhaps better coaching by Ken Hitchcock of St. Louis. Really close but, on the strength of last night, let's say Blues in 7.  

Time for a coffee break, sponsored by Tim Horton's. Walt will be right back with powerful prognostications for the Eastern Conference playoffs.

Field guide to Canadian donuts

You think Springfield Police Chief Clancy Wiggum is the stereotype of the fat donut-loving cop? You should see the cops in Canada! If you're in trouble and need a policeman [policeperson? Ed.] just head for the nearest Tim Horton's.

What's "Tim Horton's", I hear you Americans asking. You may already have noticed the familiar (to Canadians) logo on stores springing up in the northeastern States. Today New York, tomorrow Florida (Canada's 11th province) and soon  ... the world!

Why, Tim Hortons was even mentioned a few days ago on How I Met Your Mother! Canuck actor Jason Priestley, playing himself, said he had proudly crammed a Timbit into a strawberry vanilla doughnut. A "Timbit" for the uninitiated, is the piece of dough left over when you make the hole in the donut! They're too good to waste, so Tim's sells them as "Timbits".

Today, the National Post's Steve Murray took a look at what Canadians, and Canadian institutions, could be honoured (as Jason Priestley was by Tim's) with their own delicious doughnut. Like Timmy's donuts, Steve's piece is too good not to share.

New hope with a new party

Picking up where we left off a couple of hours ago...

Why, some will ask, is Walt (along with millions of others) so ticked off with Barry O'bama? If I don't like him, don't trust him, don't believe him, I must be a racist, right? No!

The disenchantment with President O (as in "zero") is not a racist thing. To suggest that is the typically arrogant and dismissive approach of the so-called "urban intelligentsia". Our disillusionment is based on the realization that O's "hope" message was a cynical and effective ploy to get elected.

Tea Party members aren't racist. They are merely libertarians who are sick and tired of the same old left-liberal "solutions" to the economic and social problems which the very same liberal elite has created.*

Has it occurred to these pious windbags that people are just sick and tired of being lorded over and taxed to death by a nanny state hell-bent (let us pray) on placating special interests, greasing every minority wheel that squeaks?

Do you want a gay pride parade? Fine. I don't care. Just don't ask me to pay for it.

Do you not like guns? Fine. Don't buy one. And don't run crying to Tim Horton's in search of a cop because you can't defend yourself.

Do you want to stone someone to death for adultery? Fine. Go cast the first stone in a Muslim theocracy where that's the law.

Not everyone who yells "Enough is enough!" is an unenlightened knuckle-dragger who likely beats his wife. More likely he's just a perfectly normal but damn angry white man (or woman) who's not going to take it any more!

If that describes you, I invite you to join my new party, which is destined for even greater things than the Tea Party.

Frankly, I thought the name "Tea Party" was kind of silly, so got thinking of some alternatives. "Libertarian Party" is already taken. You can look it up. So I thought of People's United People, but the abbreviation PUP is less than inspiring. People's Party and People's Union didn't work either.

So I am pleased to announce that all libertarians who have had enough and just want the government to leave them alone are welcome to join the Fed Up Party, or FU for short.

Membership in the Fed Ups entitles you to tell the next pol who knocks on your door, "I'm going to give my vote to FU!" or "I've made my decision. FU!"

I'm pleased to announce as well that we already have our first candidate, the eminently electable John Noone. When you go to vote this fall, ask yourself...

Who will listen to the opinions of ordinary citizens? NOONE!

Who cares about the workers who pay the taxes for all these "services" and "programs"? NOONE!

Who will punish criminals, especially those guilty of breach of trust? NOONE!

Who will close the doors on bogus refugees and illegal aliens? NOONE!

Who will govern with honesty and integrity, in the best interests of our country? NOONE!

The choice is clear. Vote for Noone! FU! FU very much!

* Once again I commend to you Godfrey Hodgson's America In Our Time (1977, Vintage Books).

Tim Horton's: where the real people meet

This is a follow-up to the last post about the rise of a Tea Party movement -- or a milder version of it -- in Canada.

Susan Delacourt has written a sequel to her piece in the Toronto Star, to which I referred in Saturday's post. Here's an excerpt:

The real power of Tim Hortons for politicians, it seems, is its link to the rise of populism as a political force and the “common wisdom of the common people.” Tim Hortons voters aren’t as riled as the U.S. Tea Party movement — it doesn’t seem likely that you’ll see them staging big, anti-government rallies anytime in the near future. But it seems clear that it’s political peril for Canadian politicians to either ignore the Tims voters or worse, speak down to them.

I commend both articles to all my Canadian friends. And to any politicians -- Canadian, American or otherwise -- I say, speaking as one of the common people, don't say you weren't warned. Listen up!

Is there a Tea Party brewing in Canada?

Some time ago Walt wondered if a Tea Party movement wouldn't be a good thing for Canada. Apparently some Canadians have been thinking along the same lines. You'll find them at that great Canadian institution -- Tim Hortons!

Just drop in at your local Tim's -- you'll find them in the northeastern USA too, even in NYC -- and eavesdrop on the conversations about the issues of the day: immigration; foolish government spending; health care; multiculturalism.... You'll hear a lot of those supposedly mild-mannered and middle-of-the-road Canadians saying things that would embarrass even the handful of red Tories in Steve Harpoon's government.

Politicians are listening! On his bus ride across Canada this summer Count Michael Ignatieff made it a point to stop nearly every day and be photographed holding a Tim Hortons cup. (The cup is full of tea though; no coffee addict he!)

And a year ago Call Me Steve skipped a United Nations assembly meeting in favour of a photo-op at a Tim Hortons in a suburb of Toronto, welcoming the doughnut chain back as a Canadian public company. (Steve's no coffee drinker either; he quaffed hot chocolate.)

Why this sudden interest in "the Tim Hortons nation"? According to Susan Delacourt, writing in the Toronto Star, it's because Harper and Ignatieff "really like the eople who drink Tim Hortons coffee. They want their votes and their affection." Of course!

Ms Delacourt's article quotes the head of an Ottawa think tank as saying "In terms of the politics of symbolism, clearly the Tim Hortons connection symbolizes being in touch with ordinary people, drinking what they drink. It's not the place where anyone knows the price of arugula."

So, she says, the USA has its Tea Party movement, and Canada has its Tim Hortons. "What's bubbling in the political kettle here, so to speak, is populism, of two very different but related sorts."

Just so, and the difference has to do with the temperament of the people. Americans are much more inclined than Canadians to take to the streets and wave placards. Canadians don't like to do that, especially when it's cold outside. They just sit in Tim's, sip their coffee and complain to each other. (Walt wonders if the national bird of Canada shouldn't be the grouse!)

But Canadians do vote, although in recent years they do so in declining numbers. Probably they feel that voting doesn't matter because there's no real alternative to the centre-right Tories or the centre-left Liberals.

As CNN pointed out a few weeks ago, there was, in the 1980s, a more conversative option, the Reform Party. But the Reform got co-opted by the red (or paler blue) Tories who valued winning more than ideology.

However, new movements and new parties keep springing up. There's the Wild Rose Party in Alberta -- Reform redux -- and there are stirrings even in Ontario and Québec. There's bound to be an election sometime between now and 2012. Let's see if the simmering discontent with the mainstream Canadian parties comes to a boil.

What went wrong: another thought

Continuing the theme of what's wrong with the West and when it all started to go pear-shaped...

Some of you [most of you? ed.] may not know who Tony Clement is. He is an Ontario politician -- the pencil-necked, nerdy-looking guy with the big glasses you occasionally see in pictures when he's pulled his head out of Stephen Harpoon's bum long enough to be photographed.

Before taking his ambition to Ottawa, Tony boy was a member of Mike "Slasher" Harris's Progressive Conservative* government, which devastated Ontario in the 90s. In John Ibbitson's book on the Harris years, Promised Land, Clement said this about what made him a conservative:

"What I saw...was the failure of the American democractic impulses. Around us was the fall of Vietnam, the emasculation of American power, Watergate.... What I remember was the frontal assault on American power, and the encroachment by communism all over the world.

"And in Canada, there were the failed experiements of Pierre Trudeau. His economic experiments were a shambles, his anti-Americanism wasn't getting us anywhere, the increasing role of the state in all aspects of our lives was, in my view, creating more problems than it was solving." [My emphasis.]

Unfortunately, Tony was then and is still part of the problem, not part of the solution. But the sentiment of the last sentence is right on the money. Tea party, anyone?

* Note to American and other readers not familiar with Canadian politics: There really is a party with the oxymoronic name of Progressive Conservative. Federally it was subsumed by Harper's Conservative Party of Canada, who like to think of themselves as neo-cons, but it still exists in Ontario, where it wanders in the wilderness under the "leadership" not of a Tony but a Timmy...and I don't mean Tim Horton!

Always time for Tim Horton's

If you missed yesterday's speeches to the Disunited Nations by the likes of Muhammar Gaddafi and Mahmoud Ahmadinajad, the dictators (democratically elected leaders, surely! ed.) of Libya and Iran respectively, you weren't alone.

While world leaders, even President Obama, were gathered in solemn assembly for the gabfest on the banks of the Hudson, Canadian PM "Call me Steve" Harper was in Oakville, Ontario for a double-double and a donut at Tim Horton's. Where else?

The occasion (for it seems Harpoon does not lower himself to mingle with the plebes just any old day) was the iconoic donut shops' moving their head office back to Canada, after 14 years in the wilderness of Delaware. Welcome home, Tim's!

And Steve...glad to see you patronising a Canadian company in the same way you patronise Canadians generally. It's always time for Tim Horton's.