Message from Woka-Cola

 

Do the makers of Coca-Cola realize they're making a big mistake with their "Be less white" campaign? Do they not realize that the folks they're pandering to drink RC? [Or grape sode! Ed.] This could very well turn into a repeat of the New Coke fiasco of April 1985!

It was then that the Coca-Cola Company, fearful of losing market share to Pepsi, introduced a new formula for the Big Drink. [That's a book title. Ed.] Known informally as New Coke, it was renamed Coke II in 1992, and was discontinued in July 2002 -- one of the biggest flops in the history of marketing.

The New Coke fiasco was based on a gross misreading of public opinion, and the reluctance of Coca-Cola drinkers to "embrace change". And here they are telling us once again that we have to get woke!

I'm severely conflicted. I am very fond of Coca-Cola. [The word "addicted" springs to mind. Ed.] But I absolutely refuse to become "less white". Indeed, doing so is an impossibility for me, both physically, mentally and emotionally. As far as I'm concerned, it's cool to be white!

What to do? I may have to learn how to make a proper mint julep and hope that will get me through the summer, or however long it takes the Coca-Cola Company to come to its senses. Meanwhile, I've sold all my shares in Coke stock. I urge those who share my sentiments to do likewise, or whatever they can to fight corporate wokeness!

Incredible! Brian Griffin returns!

Last night, on the hit TV series Family Guy, Brian Griffin, beloved dog, came back from the dead! Just like Bobby Ewing, only much quicker, and with a convoluted plot twist which made the old "it was only a dream" shtick look reasonable.

For the three or four people on the planet who don't watch Family Guy, Brian was hit by a car last month. Stewie, having just destroyed his time machine, was uanble to go back in time and rescue him. And so the Griffins got a new dog, Vinnie, who seemed to have been abandoned by a family of Mafiosi.

In last night’s episode, Vinnie takes Stewie to visit the local mall Santa, to cheer him (Stewie) up. Stewie asks Santa to return Brian for Christmas. "I want my friend back," he cries. "My best friend, my dog, Brian, he’s dead. It’s out first Christmas without him and no one has even mentioned his name. I don’t care about this stupid carnival or Christmas! I don’t care about anything but Brian!"

And, he adds, "Oh yeah. I'd like a bike, too." But Santa can't produce a bike, let alone Brian, so Stewie is disappointed. But then... here it comes... Stewie spots an "alternate Stewie" (the product of an earlier travel through time) in the toy store, and remembers that the other Stewie has a copy of the time machine was hidden in his backpack.

Mirabile dictu! Stewie swipes alternate Stewie's time machine, goes back to the scene of the accident in which Brian was killed, and pushes him out of harm's way, just in the nick of time! Vinnie is left in the future -- I guess -- along with alternate Stewie, and Stewie and Brian are BFFs once again. Got it?

Walt wonders if Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane was genuinely moved by the outpouring of grief of 1000s of Brian-lovers, or the numerous online petitions to bring back the loveable dog. Or was this MacFarlane's "New Coke" strategy, killing off Brian and introducing the new character who made the hard-drinking, sarcastic, lecherous Brian look good by comparison.

If this tortured plot twist was indeed planned months in advance, in an attempt to create a buzz and build ratings, that would have been a very cyncial move, wouldn't it. Could TV producers be cyncial manipulators who delight in playing on the emotions of their audiences? Could bears still defecate in the shrubbery? Anyway, welcome back Brian!