The Economist's snarky putdown of Bono

Unlike ageing rock star and SJW Bono, I have never been to Timbuktu, although many people, including my sainted mother, have told me to go there. Timbuktu is the fabled chief city of what was supposed to be a great African kingdom, once upon a time. Today it is more or less in the middle of Mali, one of those countries President Trump rightly described as "shitholes".

Until 1960, Mali was a part of l'Afrique Occidentale Française (French West Africa), a colony of, errr, France. As in the rest of post-colonial Africa, things started to go downhill once the French let the local people run their own railroad. I'm speaking metaphorically, as to the best of my knowledge Mali doesn't actually have a railroad any more. Half of the population is under the age of 16. The average Malian woman has six children. Barely a third of the population can read.

To make matters worse, ancient divisions of race and tribe turned into a shooting war which has heated up, cooled down, then heated up again in a vicious cycle ever since independence. Seems that the Tuareg and Arab minorities, who are concentrated in the northern part of the country don't like being ruled by black Africans. Whoda thunk it? There were major rebellions in 1963 and 1990, but the most major of all occurred in 2012, when the northern rebels went from being a secular nationalist movement into a militant Islamist insurgency.

In 2015 the warring parties signed a peace deal, which has proved meaningless. Violence has continued to escalate. Just last month, four separate attacks killed scores of people. According to an article in this week's Economist (from which the previous two paragraphs were excerpted), Mali's vast northern desert is a breeding ground for jihadism. And "insecurity", as the newspaper calls it, has spread to the central part of the country, including Timbuktu.

Reporting from Timbuktu, the anonymous writer of the article -- the Economist never runs bylines -- says, in what must be the best putdown of the year, so far: "...all is not well here.... At one time tourists used to pour into Timbuktu to ride camels across the desert. Now most of the foreigners at the airport wear army uniforms. The city has said goodbye to Bono, a rock musician who once played there. But in most other respects things have got worse."

Bravo, anonymous writer! That brilliant bit of snark puts you in the lead in the competition for Walt's prestigious Golden Finger award for 2018. Keep up the good work!

Bono urges Newfoundlanders to help starving African children

Agent 9 sends us news of an appearance by well-known do-good wienie Bono in the easternmost part of North America, the Canadian province of Newfoundland. Newfoundland has its own poverty issues, what with oil prices down to $45 and the arse out of the fishery. Nevertheless, Bono made his customary appeal to white guilt, urging his audience to do something for the poor starving children of Africa.

He asked the audience for to be quiet, and then he slowly started to clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he said in solemn tones, "(clap) I want you to think about something. (clap) Every time I clap my hands... (clap) a child in Africa dies (clap)..."

At that point a Newfie in the front row hollered, "Then stop clappin', ya Irish arsehole!"

Further reading, suggested by Agent 34: "Rest Of U2 Perfectly Fine With Africans Starving", The Onion 7/12/05. It's a joke, OK? So was the little story above.

Coming soon - another "nation" to help

"_________ is one of the poorest and hungriest places in the world, racked [sic] by tribal violence, with rates of child malnutrition and maternal mortality that rank among the worst on the planet."

That's a quote from a recent Globe and Mail article by Geoffrey York. What country do you suppose Mr. York is talking about? Hint: over 90% of the inhabitants are black. Could it be Somalia? Burkina Faso? Eritrea? Maybe Haiti? There are lots of candidates, chiefly African. But the winner [loser, surely. ed.] is... wait for it... South Sudan.

Wait a minute, I hear you pedants exclaim. South Sudan isn't a country yet. No, not yet. But wait about seven months. A referendum on independence -- make that separation from the Arab-dominated northern part of Sudan -- is due to be held in January. The black, more-or-less Christian southern part of the country is expected to succeed in seceding.

Ah yes, the birth of a nation. Call D.W. Griffith. Another member for the farcical talking shop which calls itself "the United Nations". And another large begging bowl to be held out to "the West" or "the North" or "the G8" or whatever the rich countries are collectively called today. Cue Bono and Boob Geldof to tell us it's all our fault that the new baby nation has an excellent chance of being stillborn.

Gerald Caplan, Canada's master handwringer, told Mr. York "Arbitrary boundaries carried the seeds of much subsequent destruction, notably the terrible national/ethnic wars that have plagued Africa.... This will be a frail new state indeed. The south is left with deep ethnic divisions and divisive borders that are a recipe for big future trouble."

Or course. It's our fault that most of the $7,000,000,000 Southern Sudan has received in oil revenue since 2005 has been siphoned off by corruption. It's our fault that its government has given the largest part of its budget to its military and security forces. How could we have failed them so badly?! Two more paragraphs from the article:

"In the capital, Juba, there is no electricity grid, no industry, and scarcely any water treatment. Most people live in mud huts, shacks, tents or other temporary dwellings. Families must pay up to $4 for a barrel of...tainted water [from the White Nile]. International agencies such as Unicef have been obliged to provide emergency water supplies to prevent more cholera outbreaks.

"The independence of southern Sudan...won’t end the illiteracy, malnutrition, maternal deaths, or disease outbreaks. If the impoverished people of southern Sudan don’t see improvement in their lives, the peace pledges could be jeopardized and the tribal violence could escalate."

What's the solution? How can we imperialists make good all the wrongs we've done to these poor people? [Errr... the colonial era ended over fifty years ago! ed.] Throw money at them! That's the ticket!

Don't wait for Bono and Geldof to ask. Get out your chequebook now! Send your donation c/o Walt. And be sure to write on the corner of the envelope: "I'm a guilt-wracked white liberal and I want to help!"