Declining number of perishers forces closure of Ontario church

Shelburne, Ontario is a small town -- only recently upgraded from a village -- in Dufferin County, on the "roof of Ontario", about 150 miles northwest of Toronto. [Agent 3 says "That's not far enough!"] For over seven decades it was home to the Canadian Old Time Fiddle Contest, which was worth a long drive to attend. Sadly, the event was "paused" during the Covid dempanic. It is unclear whether it will return this year.

That part of Ontario is Orange -- as in Loyal Orange Lodge -- country. There are mighty few Catholics on the ground there. And not as many Protestants either, according to an article by Paula Brown, Local Journalism Initiative Reporter for the Shelburne Free Press & Economist, picked up recently by Canadian Press.

Ms Brown reports that one of Shelburne’s founding churches is ending a more than 150-year-old chapter in history as they prepare to officially close their doors this month. 

St. Paul’s Anglican Church, will be closing its doors following a final service for the congregation on Sunday, 21 January. 

For non-Canucks, the Anglican Church is the Canadian counterpart of the Church of England. In the US of A, Anglicans would be called Episcopalians. In Canada they're known as "the ToryParty at prayer."

The decision to close the church came in October of 2023 with a vote from church members after months of discussions. “Many of our congregation has aged out, going into long-term [care] residences or subsequently passing away,” said Marg Finlayson, "People's Warden" -- sounds kind of Communist, doesn't it? -- of the congregation. “People have also moved away." 

Ms Brown writes: "The limited number of perishers also led to a decrease in funding, putting a financial strain on the church." 

Memo from Ed. to Paula Brown: It seems you are a product of Ontario's education "system", and, as such, have never been taught to spell or use a dictionary (as opposed to a spell-checker). Allow me to help you enlarge your vocabulary. 

A perisher can be: 

(a)  A chatacter in The Perishers, a long-running British comic strip about a group of neighbourhood children and a dog. (Source: Wikipedia)

(b) One of Ola Klüft (vocals, guitar), Martin Gustafson (keyboards, backing vocals), Pehr Åström (bass), and Thomas Hedlund (drums), the members of The Perishers, a Swedish indie rock band. (Source: Wikipedia)

(c) A child who is being annoying. (Source: Cambridge Dictionary). 

You're welcome.

The solution to the problems of Northern Ireland

Tomorrow is July 12th, "the Glorious 12th", on which the anti-Catholic bigots of the Loyal Orange Lodge celebrate the triumph of King Billy of Orange (he's the one on the white horse) over the Catholic King James II in Ireland 220 years ago. Ireland has never been the same since and Britain still occupies the northern part, which they call Ulster.

The fight over Ulster has continued for about a century since the days of Michael Collins (see the movie!), in spite of peace initiatives by Bill Clinton and others. But Michael Moore, in his book Stupid White Men, proposes a solution, which Walt heartily endorses.

Convert the Protestants of Northern Ireland to Catholicism!

Moore reckons that if just 2.5% of the Protestants of Ulster convert, that would create a Catholic majority. End of problem. And getting that 2.5% to switch should be easy, according to Moore. Just show them the following benefits of being a Roman Catholic.

One guy in charge -- the Pope. There are several thousand Protestant sects. Some are run by committee, some by an elected chair, others simply run like a food co-op, with no one calling the shots. Going Catholic means having a leader for life, someone unafraid of making a decision, giving the faithful a fixed set of rules and boundaries that give one’s life order and clarity. And after the Pope dies, no messy elections -- a couple hundred guys wearing red gather in a room, vote, and a puff of white smoke out of the chimney tells everyone the decision has been made. No campaign speeches, no pandering to the electorate, no recounts.

More sex. Catholics, as we all know, have more babies, and so, you know, that means only one thing -- more sex! Sorry, but in the Catholic Church you can’t get the babies without the sex. And who couldn’t use a little extra sex these days? I’m telling you, let those Protestant Orangemen know they’re going to be getting some, and watch how fast they end those silly parades.

More days off. The Catholic church has six official Holy Days. In countries where the majority of citizens practice Catholicism, these are fully paid days off from work and schooldays off for the kids. Can you name one Protestant Holy Day -- not counting the day the Eddie Bauer Christmas catalog comes out? I didn’t think so.

Free alcohol. You go to Mass every day, you get a free drink of wine. True, you must accept that you’re drinking the Blood of Christ, but hey, you can do that! How many times have you told people the gin and tonic you are nursing is "just water"? Have a little faith!

Catholic girls. See above.

A guaranteed spot in Heaven at the right hand of God Himself! It’s all there in the Bible -- Jesus made Peter the head of the Church, and then he made it clear that only members of the "one true Catholic Church" get past the velvet rope at the pearly gates. So you can continue your allegiance to the Queen and then burn in hell for eternity -- or you can get on the "A list" and enjoy Forever with a first class seat.