Bob Edwards' prayer to the one true god

A century ago -- before the Internet, before TV, before radio, before anyone told you what to think -- there was print. Newspapers, magazines, books and pamphlets gave writers the means to express their opinions.

Bob Edwards had opinions -- plenty of them -- which he printed in The Eye Opener, published from 1904 to 1922 in wherever in Alberta Bob happened to be when the effects of the drink wore off. (To be fair, he went on the wagon and came out for temperance in the elections of 1915.)

Mr. Edwards pioneered a new style of journalism, writing irreverently about anything and everything that pleased or displeased him. His columns were chuckled over in bars, brothels and (kinda secretly) respectable homes all over western Canada.

Here is a slightly edited version of Bob Edwards' prayer to the great god that people of all faiths worship.

O ALMIGHTY DOLLAR, without thee in the world we can do nothing, but with thee we can do all things. Be with us, we pray thee, in all thy decimal parts, for thou art the only one altogether lovely, and the chief among ten thousand.

There is no condition in life where thy potent and all-powerful charms are not felt. In thy absence how gloomy is the household, and how desolate the hearthstone; but, in thy presence, how gleefully the beefsteak sings on the gridiron, how genial is the warmth that anthracite coal or tamarack wood diffuses throughout the apartment, and how exuberant the joy swelling in every bosom.

Thou art the joy of our youth and the solace of our old age. Thou canst adorn the gentleman and feed the jackass. Thou art the favourite of the philosopher, and the ideal of the lunkheads when an election is to be carried.

Almighty dollar, thy shining face bespeaks thy wondrous power. In my pocket make thy resting place; I need thee every hour.

And now, almighty dollar, in closing this invocation, we realize and acknowledge that thou art the god our our grandfathers, the twofold god of their children, and the threefold god of their grandchildren. Permit us to possess thee in abundance, is our constant and unwavering prayer.

Amen.